Fire Beats Roses
by MGB504
Summary: Katniss' return to 12 and how she REALLY went from suicidal to married to the boy with the bread **I do not own THG, but love them and think S Collins is brilliant for the characters she created and story she weaved**
1. Chapter 1

Fire. Lots of fire. As I swirl in my dress on the stage the fire engulfs me. But it doesn't stop. As it continues to burn it grows larger and larger, finally searing into my skin. As I wince in the pain it causes I cannot stop my body from spinning. The spinning goes faster and faster and as I chose on the smoke and ash created by my burnt dress and skin I wake up to the clang of a pan landing on the stove.

I'm still seated in the rocking chair I fell asleep in last night. My blanket fell to the floor and my matted, greasy hair sticks to my forehead and neck as it combines with sweat. I've gotten used to this. Every morning I wake up in a sweat as Greasy Sae and her granddaughter make enough noise to awaken me. I don't mind. Although I feel completely numb to everything around me, it's good to see other human beings around me. To let me know that my entire life is not one huge nightmare. Although it might as well be. I feel unhinged.

Greasy Sae has even stopped trying to make conversations and simply limits herself to small comments here are there about what has been going on in the district- who has moved back, what is being built—but never more than a sentence or two each day. She usually looks at me with concern in her eyes, but I can't care. I feel like my mind is dead and I am dragging myself through each day as memories flood me and I go back to the rocking chair, numb from the destruction I caused. I know I didn't cause it directly, but because of my obstinate character and the symbol I was, I can't help but feel like I helped egg on the rebellion and the deaths that followed.

"Spring is in the air today; you ought to get out. Go hunting." I finally register that she's spoken to me and gently shake my head as I squeeze my eyes and rub them, helping me wake up more. I drag myself out of the chair to sit down at the table and down the entire glass of water Sae left me. I cough a little still feeling the lingering smoke and ash from my most recent nightmare and slowly start to eat the eggs and toast Sae places in front of me.

"I don't have a bow," I say, my mouth full of toast. These are the first words I've said in several months and Sae turns around to look at me with her eyebrows raised since I've finally responded. She finishes cleaning the dishes and puts on her sweater and holds out her hand for her granddaughter so they can leave.

"Check down the hall" she says as she is about to walk out the door.

I consider going down the hall but decide not to. Too much effort. But finally after sitting in my chair with an empty plate and cup next me I decide to try it. As I walk down the hall into the study and glance around quickly, trying not to spend too much time in there as the stench of President Snow still lingers in my nostrils- more than a year later. I see my father's hungting jacket, our plant book, my parents' wedding photo, the spile, and the locket Peeta gave me. Finally resting against a book case I see the two bows and a sheath of arrows. I quickly grab them and the hunting jacket and leave the room; slamming the door shut. That was enough energy spent today so I sit on the sofa, since it's softer than the rocking chair, and fall asleep.

A horrible nightmare invades my slumber. I'm lying in the bottom of a deep grave and every dead person I know my name comes and throws a shovel of ashes on me. The line seems endless and I try to call out, to no avail. The shovel continues to scrape. Louder and louder it seems. Until I awaken with a jolt as I realize, in my half-sleep/half-awake status that there is, in fact, a shovel scraping on the ground outside of my window. As I run outside to confront whatever dead person is haunting me I stop in my tracks as I see him. His face is flush from the heat and digging the ground under the windows.

"You're back," I say.

He stands up and wipes his dirty and sweaty forearm across his sweatier forehead, "Dr. Aurelius wouldn't let me leave the Capitol until yesterday," he says. "He also said you need to answer the phone. He can't keep pretending to treat you forever."

I can't help but stare at him. He is changed, but not so much that he is unrecognizable. His eyes have a brightness to them which I have missed. As I try to think of a new subject to talk about I glance over to see what he has planted. In my clouded mind all I can think is "rose" and I'm upset that he is planted the flowers by my home. A slew of foul words fill my mind until I realize that they are not ordinary roses, they're _primroses._ I guess he picked up on this because he says, "Primroses."

As I register everything that had happened in these past two minutes I run upstairs out of embarrassment due to my actions and my incredibly unkempt state. I run upstairs and pace, registering everything that has happened and realize the stench of roses has followed me. I rush downstairs to the study, grab the vase with the wilted flower and throw it in the fire. As it burns I throw the vase in the fire for good measure as well.

Back upstairs I run to the bathroom and hunch over the toilet, wanting to throw up. Finally, looking down at myself, I realize the poor state I have been in for the past few months and climb into the shower; avoiding the mirror.

I guess I hadn't registered how early it was because while I am getting dressed and combing my hair I hear the familiar clank of the pan on the stove and giggles of a little girl who lives in her own world. As I trudge downstairs Sae greets me with a smile mixed with amazement.

"Well, you don't look like death anymore," she says with a smile on her face.

"Sae, where did Gale go?" Her smile fades as she says, "District Two. Got some fancy job there. I see him now and again on the television"

We sit in silence for a while as I begin to find relief in this statement.

"But Peeta's back." She says with a smile obvious in her tone.


	2. Chapter 2

I went hunting that day. While walking through the district I was surprised and saddened by the changes I saw and learned of. Madge, my good friend and person who gave me my mockingjay pin was dead. There was a mass grave for all of the dead. Was nothing sacred anymore? But I suppose there was no avoiding it. There were too many dead bodies and most were unidentifiable.

I went to the cliff where Gale and I would sit and couldn't help imagining him there with me. While I was glad he had started over again in District 2, I couldn't help but wish a friend was here with me, able to mourn those we lost. Peeta was in town, but I wasn't sure of how stable he was. Sure he had greeted me in a friendly manner, but how much is that the norm now?

As I sat there thinking about Gale, then Peeta, I couldn't help but think of the many changes from the past two years. After who knows how long, I feel drained and slowly make my way up, trudging through the woods, losing all hope of actually catching anything today. My energy gives out and luckily Thom is there to bring me back home. When I make my way through the door I hear a familiar his and my eyes drop to see him. How in the world did he make it back here?

"It's a waste of a trip. She's not here," I tell him, with bitterness in my voice. Buttercup hisses again. "She's not here. Hiss all you like, you won't find her!" I feel real pain for the first time and start throwing whatever I can at the cat that has brought back such painful memories. "Get out! Go away!" But I can't help it. I sink down, clutching the pillow to my stomach and begin sobbing. "She's dead." I wake a few hours later I wake, clutching the pillow and straighten my stiffened body to make the trek upstairs. When I wake the next morning he is still there, standing guard for me.

I call my mother and we cry together. There is a sense of awakening in me. I feel more and the thick fog that invaded my brain is slowly starting to lift. I can tell that things are getting better when there is meaning behind my everyday actions. I no longer wander mindlessly as I go to breakfast and I try to carry a conversation with Greasy Sae when she comes to cook for me.

One morning as I am upstairs getting dressed and studying my scars I hear Sae come inside. She doesn't knock really, she just lets herself inside. I hear the girl giggle and then hear a third set of feet and laughter along with the little girl. And freshly baked bread. The smell sets a light off in my brain and I am suddenly aware of who came in with Sae and her granddaughter. I quickly finish dressing and put my hair in a sloppy braid as I go downstairs.

"I thought I would rather make one larger breakfast instead of two separate ones so I invited the boy over," Sae says and Peeta greets me with a gentle but sincere smile, holding up the bread almost as a peace offering.

"I don't mind," I say, lying through my teeth. It's not that I mind so much as I'm unprepared. There are still a lot of questions in my mind regarding Peeta. How often does he have flashbacks? How violent does he get when he has them? Does he even care about me like _that_ anymore? Do I feel the same way about him? As I try to push the thoughts to the back of my head I'm snapped back into reality when I hear a chair scraping against the ground. Sae's granddaughter dragged her chair right next to Peeta's. As she whispers something in his ear he makes sure he pays close attention and nods at the end, giving her a smile.

"Peeta's my boyfriend, Katniss," the girl says as Peeta and I start eating. I look at him and he smiles while he eats, his mouth full of food. It makes me smile to and I can't help but ask, "Oh really?" to which Peeta manages to make a half-serious/half-joking face and nod very firmly that this is indeed the case. "I see Peeta likes them much younger then," Sae said as she sat down at the table. She hadn't been feeling too well so I told her I'd do dishes and she could relax before heading out.

After Sae and her granddaughter left Peeta finished his breakfast and sat back, patting his stomach with a very satisfied look on his face. I smiled and got up to get started on the dishes. "So, how long has this _young_ love been going on?" I ask with a bit of a laugh. "Oh, for about a week. What can I say? The ladies love me!" Peeta responds as I throw a dishtowel I had been using at him. We laugh for a second and he gets up, taking the dishtowel and coming to my side to help finish the dishes. We stand there silently, with smiles across our faces as we finish the dishes and put the remaining food away. When we finish he goes towards the door and is about to leave when I can't stop myself, "Thank you." "No problem. I had a couple of loaves-" "no, thank you for coming by." "No problem, Katniss," he says as he smiles and lets himself out.

The next few days he comes along with Sae, bringing a variety of baked goods. Muffins, biscuits, scones, and especially cheese buns. I'm starting to gain my appetite and I can tell Sae is pleased since we're both starting to put weight back on. After each of the visits we stand there, doing dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. Sometimes one of us will tell a joke, other times I might hum a song and he tries to hum along, clearly off pitch. But it helps. I still have vicious nightmares that wake me up, screaming to be released from a mutt's iron grip or Snow's bloody, maniacal laugh. But now the days don't seem like nightmares. I eat breakfast, go hunting, and come home to eat dinner with Sae. I wonder why she doesn't invite Peeta for dinner though. My question is answered though when she comes by one evening with a vicious scratch on her arm that is still bleeding.

"Sae! What happened?" I blurt out, wondering what could have happened to this woman between Peeta's house and mine.

"It's nothing to worry about, just a little scratch," she replies. "Just a little scratch? Let me look at it, it might need stitches." I check and luckily it isn't quite as deep as I thought. She didn't need stitches but she definitely needs it bandaged. As I come back from the bathroom with the bandages and an ointment to keep it from getting infected I hear Peeta enter through the kitchen door.

"Sae, I'm so sorry!" he cries, with a mixture of hurt and guilt in his voice. "I never meant to do anything to you!"

"It's okay, boy," she says as I'm entering the room. Peeta looks at me with his eyes large and purses his lips together.

"I really didn't mean to. I don't remember anything and then I snapped back into it and Sae was in a corner, crouched behind a chair with a cut on her arm… And I had a knife." He began to sob a little and then ran out of the house, towards Haymitch's.

"What happened, Sae?" I insist sharply.

"The boy. He gets flashbacks every so often. They tend to happen in the evening. Most of the times it happens when he's upstairs and he can contain himself before coming down for dinner. But tonight it happened while he was eating. He thought I was working for you and trying to poison him," she said with a gloomy look on her face.

My heart dropped. That's why he never came over for dinner. While I was bandaging her arm I couldn't help but ask, "Sae, how often does it happen?"

"Well, not as often as when he first got home. Maybe once or twice a week. But this week they've been more common and pretty bad." And with that I suggested she go home. I could find something in the house to eat for dinner. Besides, I didn't really have an appetite anymore. But to appease her I grabbed one of the muffins Peeta had left that morning and gave her a big cheesy grin before she nodded and I walked her out.

As I saw her walk down the road I couldn't eat. I just kept imagining what had happened earlier and my stomach got queasier and queasier until I had to lean over the side of the porch and purge anything that was in my stomach. As I was leaning over the railing I looked up towards Haymitch's house. The lights were on and you could tell there was movement in the kitchen. I strained as I tried to hear their conversation without much luck. Then I heard a loud yell come from an open window.


	3. Chapter 3

As I sprinted across the grassy area to Haymitch's house I slowed down as I got to the kitchen door. I stopped to see what was going on.

"Please, just kill me, Haymitch" Peeta pleaded.

"Kid, I'm not going to do it! You've made progress, believe it or not! You have too much to live for! If I can last these 27 years with what I went through, you can too!" Haymitch insists.

And with that I hear thump, then a sigh, and something fall to the floor. I throw open the door to see Haymitch with an empty bottle looking at Peeta, in a heap, on the ground.

"Haymitch! What did you do?" I yelled.

"I just knocked him out for a little while. I wouldn't KILL the boy. But he had it coming. Too damn melodramatic. Besides, Sae's my aunt," he said in a defensive manner.

I couldn't help but glare at him as I knelt down by Peeta, taking his head and putting it in my lap. I brushed his hair with my hands and looked down at him while humming one of the songs my father used to hum to me when I couldn't sleep. His eyes slowly opened and he had a look of fear slowly spread across his face.

"Katniss. I'm so so—"

"You didn't do anything to me. It's okay, Peeta."

"But Sae-"

"She's okay. It was a cut but it will be okay."

With that he got a very sad look on his face and his eyebrows came together as he seemed to be thinking very hard.

"I don't know why it happens. I thought I was okay. I don't want to hurt anyone," he says, his voice very soft and sad.

"Peeta, I haven't even seen you have an episode since you've gotten back. I didn't even know you were having them until tonight. You are getting better."

"Yeah kid," Haymitch interrupts "You've been doing better. But you've GOT to figure out what makes you flip. We can work with it if we know how, but you've got to let us know. _I_ can only do so much," he says with a bit of sarcasm in his voice that makes Peeta and I chuckle a little. For a drunk, Haymitch can at least be a funny drunk when he wants to be.

We walk Peeta back to his house and let him get himself to bed. As Haymitch walks me to my house I have to ask him, "Haymitch, have you known about the flashbacks?" "Yes." "Then why haven't you told me?"

"Katniss," he starts, "it's not as easy as that. The boy doesn't want to get too close to you because he doesn't want to have an episode around you. Breakfast with you is fine. He's got more energy and has enough sleep in him to not have them. But as the day wears on and he loses energy and gets tired, he has less ability to suppress the flashbacks. He doesn't want to be near you when he has them. But the problem is that now it's affecting other people too."

I stand there thinking about it. I hear him scream at night just like I'm sure he hears me. The nightmares don't go away, this is true. But something just isn't clicking. Why do they come at night? Why did he lash out at Sae? I say goodnight to Haymitch and slowly walk upstairs thinking about other things Haymitch and Peeta may not have told me. I sleep but it's not a restful one. Peeta is choking me and I'm crying that I love him as he continues to choke the life out of me. I wake to Buttercup looking into my face.

The next morning neither of them comes for breakfast. So I grab one of the muffins Peeta left, gather my jacket and bag, and head out to the woods.

The air is cool and sweet. As I get to the fence I see that they're replacing it and putting in an entrance so that predatory animals stay out but people can enter more easily if they choose. I like to think my past habits have played a role in this but I suppose there may be others who enjoy hunting like I do. Thom stops to make small talk but my mind is wandering and I zone out a few times thinking of what I'll be able to get this time. After smiling and saying "See you later" I head through the fence and into the forest. I see a few rabbits and shoot each of them cleanly in the eye and put them in my bag. I know Greasy Sae will appreciate these. I feel like I owe her for what she's done for me so far, especially with everything that happened last night. Next I find a few squirrels and get them as well. Who knows, maybe Peeta will feel up to it? Lord knows Haymitch won't be too interested since he mainly survives on an all-liquid diet.

As I leave the woods I'm thinking about how to approach Peeta when I miss a step and fall, banging my knee pretty hard into a rock. My pants get a big hole in the knee and I see that a good amount of skin has come off as well. As I kneel there cursing and trying to figure out how to stop the blood, Thom jogs up to help me home.

As we walk towards Victor's Village I notice Peeta coming from Haymitch's house in frustration and heading towards mine. He sees me and stops, running to Thom and me. He offers to take over and let Thom get back to what he was doing. As I put my arm over his shoulder I begin hobbling towards the house, cursing slightly under my breath after each step. It really hurts! Peeta is trying not to laugh but it's obvious he is. When we get inside he helps me sit on the kitchen table and pulls up a chair to get a better look at my knee.

"It's just a scratch. Nothing to worry about," I insist.

"Yeah, but it looks like you have some stuff in there still. You need to change so we can wash it out."

Begrudgingly he helps me climb the stairs and leaves me at my bedroom door. There's an awkward moment and he says, "I'll just be right here if you want help going downstairs."

I change as quickly as I can into a pair of shorts and open the door. He's sitting on the top step playing with something small in his hands and turns around as he sees me. A slight smile spreads across his face as he gets up and puts his arm around my waist to help me downstairs. I stop him and say, "I'd rather just wash it out up here in my bathroom. Is that okay?"

He nods and continues to help me towards the bathroom, finally helping me sit on the side of the tub. As he turns the water on and tests the temperature I notice the scars on his body. He was burned as badly as I was. But you couldn't tell. He always wore a pair of slacks with a long sleeved button up shirt. Most of the time he had the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, but that was really all he showed other than the few marks on his face. But as I looked at him I noticed the scars on the back of his neck and near his ears, close to his hair. I started to feel something that I couldn't quite identify and wanted to touch the scars. But I didn't. As he turned around he had a big smile on his face as he said, "Okay, so let's see… How are we going to do this? Do you have any wash cloths I can use?" I indicated where they would be in the closet and he quickly got up to get them and knelt back down where he was, dipping the rag under the warm water, wringing most of the water out and then gently dabbing at my knee. He was incredibly gentle and tender but my knee still hurt wildly. As I sat there gritting my teeth he paused to look at me and say, "Come on, Girl on Fire can take everything else but can't take this? What happened?" I splashed some water on him and couldn't help myself smile a little as he smiled back.

"Why were you coming to my house anyway?" I asked.

"I needed to talk with you about last night. Katniss, I feel terrible about what happened with Sae. She's been nothing but kind to me since I've come back. She doesn't deserve what happened."

"Peeta, you didn't know what you were doing. You were having one of your…flashbacks."

Peeta looked down glumly and rinsed out the rag since my knee was clean. "Katniss, I hate them. I don't like what I've turned into. I'm afraid of doing something. Especially of doing something to you." He looks up at me and his cheeks were red. I couldn't tell if it was from frustration or embarrassment.

"Peeta, I can defend myself. I want to help you get better though. I just don't know how to. What has Dr. Aurelius said?" I say in desperation.

"He just said I need to rebuild my memories. He tried to help, but there are so many memories- simple ones from home even—that I can't remember. And it frustrates me to no end. I know we pretended with some things during the Games, Katniss, but I don't remember what. I know I loved you Katniss, but I don't remember if that was real or not real."

It was then that I felt crushed. I hadn't felt like this in a while. Does he love me now? I know I care more about him more than anyone else right now, but I'm not sure that I'm willing to say I love him _like that_ yet. Those feelings were still evolving and I just wasn't certain. I tried to brush past that but it was difficult. I just hurt on the inside.

"Katniss, did I love you? Did you love me?" There was urgency in his voice as he gripped my hand tightly and I didn't know what to say.

"Peeta, I-" my voice trailed off since I was at a loss for words.

"Katniss, I need to know. It doesn't matter if you do still. Did you love me then?"

I hung my head, trying not to cry from the pain in my knee and the pain in my heart. "Yes. Real. I loved you. And you loved me. But you loved me long before I knew how I felt about you."

"Thank you. That's all I need right now," he said as he let go of my hand and pushed himself to a standing position.

As he began to leave I asked for some help bandaging my knee and getting downstairs to which he willingly obliged. After he sat me down on the couch he sat next to me and softly said, "Katniss, sometimes I can't remember what my brothers looked like."

At that point a pain shoots right to my gut. I don't have that problem. I remember Prim. I remember her face exactly. Every freckle, her dimples, and the way her hair fell in her face. I remember what she looked like. But Peeta. I feel terrible for him.

"Peeta," I say, reaching out for his hand, "What if we could have a constant reminder of how they looked? What if I could help you build those memories again? Would that help?"

"I suppose. But how? Do you remember them?"

I got up and, resisting Peeta's request to help, headed to the study. I hadn't entered it since that morning when I went in to find Snow's rose and burn it. I found the plant book Prim and I had made and brought it back out. As I was walking to the couch I saw Peeta playing with the same small thing he had been playing with earlier before he noticed me and quickly shoved it back in his pocket. As I sat down I placed the book on his lap and opened it, "Does this look familiar at all?" I asked.

A quizzical look spread across his face until he saw a few pictures he drew and then his mouth dropped open a bit. "Yes. I drew those." A smile slowly spread across his face as he began to notice other drawings he had made.

"Peeta, I think we should make a book like this with memories of people we've known and loved. I'll write the stories down if you draw them. I'll even help describe them too in case you need me to. But Peeta, I need you to get better. I need you feel comfortable. I.." I suddenly felt very selfish and vulnerable for saying this much. But I needed to know if Peeta was still the same boy I feel in love with. I needed to know if he could be well enough to not harm others, me, and himself. But I couldn't ask that. Not yet. "I need you to know you are not alone."


	4. Chapter 4

**Oy vey! Reading through my first few chapters, I apologize for the grammatical and spelling errors! Sorry about that! But thanks to those who have reviewed and PM me! Please, feel free to review more, I appreciate any and all criticism.**

We sat there for a little while looking through the plant book talking about the different plants we entered together.

"Nightlock. You tried to get me to eat them so you could win the Games. Real or not real"

"Not real. We were going to eat them together."

Peeta was quiet for a while before continuing, "Katniss, why did you even try to save me?"

I struggled trying to figure how best to put it until finally blurting out, "Peeta, you saved me before when I needed it most and I knew I couldn't live with myself if I let you die. Not after what you did for me and my family." "The bread?" he asked, trying to see if he was remembering correctly. "Yes, the bread. You burned it and then gave it to me. You don't know how much that helped until I was able to feed us on our own," I replied, trying not to dwell too much on the pit in my stomach reminding me of how indebted I was to him. Silence again as we finished looking through the book. By the time we finished the sun was setting and as we sat there in the living room looking out the window a panicked sense came across Peeta's face. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous too.

"Katniss, I... I need to go," he said quickly. And before I could tell him to wait he quickly said goodbye and left, leaving the door open after her ran to his home. Greasy Sae didn't come to either of our homes that night and I was starting to feel a little hungry. I didn't really trust my cooking skills since all I really knew was how to cook the meat I caught, but I skinned the squirrels and prepared them, cooking them on a pan. As I ate mine I thought about Peeta. He and his father liked the squirrels I caught and sold to them. Oh Peeta. My poor Peeta. The thought caught me off guard. He wasn't really _mine, _but at the same time, I didn't really have anyone else. Prim was dead. My father had died before any of this mess happened. My mother was in District 4 setting up a hospital and helping Annie and Finn. She had a replacement family. Gale was in 2 with who knows what replacement of me. But Peeta was alone. And so was I. And then it hit me. Peeta is alone. Flashback or not, he was my friend and I needed to learn how to adjust to his flashbacks just as much as he did. So I packed up what remained of the squirrel and headed over to his house.

I knocked on the door softly waiting to see if I could hear any movement inside and heard a soft, "Go away." I pushed the door open slightly and poked my head in knocking again, pretending I hadn't heard Peeta's request to go away. "Peeta, it's me. I thought I'd bring-" "Katniss, you shouldn't be here. It's not safe," he said, seated at the table with his head in his hands. "Peeta," I said matter-of-factly, moving towards him. "I told you before, I can defend myself. You need to eat though." And I place the place of squirrel meat on the table. "Where are your forks? Do you want any bread with it? Are you thir-" Peeta interrupts me, "Katniss, why are you here? I can take care of myself. What do you want?" His tone surprised me a bit and I wasn't sure how upset he truly was.

"Peeta, I just wanted to make sure you ate something! You're my friend. Regardless of what you may have done in the past you're still my friend and I care about you. It sucks being damaged like this. But being there for each other could at least help the situation!" I couldn't stop the words from coming out of my mouth. I just stood there staring at him, trying not to cry, as he raised his head and stood back at me for what seemed like forever.

"Katniss, I don't want to do this alone. But I also don't want to hurt anyone anymore. You're one of the few people I have left besides Haymitch and I don't think I could live with myself if I did anything to you again." He said sullenly. "Peeta, let me help you. Two minds are better than one, right? Why not let me be there when you have your flashbacks? The sooner I am there the better I can know how to help you."

He simply shook his head and I could tell he had given up fighting with me for the moment. "whatever, Katniss, just stop trying to poison me with this squirrel, okay?" he said with a straight face. I was a bit thrown back to which he got a chuckle on his face and said, "I'm kidding! But really… Let me cook this in the future." I tried to act offended, but who was I kidding? I was a terrible cook. I'm still amazed Prim and I survived off of what I caught and tried to cook for as many years as we had.

"Fine, then start coming over when Sae cooks," I said, "it's kind of lonely when all she does is sit there looking at me as I eat. At least this way I can have two sets of eyes giving me suspicious looks while I eat." He laughs to himself and he tries to finish the squirrel. As he finishes I ask, "Did you have an episode tonight?"

"Yes," was all he said as the smile left his face. I didn't say anything, I just sat there trying to give a sympathetic look.

"Peeta, I still have nightmares. Every night." "I know, I hear your screaming all the way in my room." I didn't realize I was that loud, but whatever, there's no point in acting surprised by his reaction now, "Peeta, I don't sleep well and I wish I did. Before this happened… before you were taken from me by the Capitol, you were always there for me, let me try to be the good guy for once and be there for you." "Katniss, you're not a guy." "You know what I mean!" I couldn't help but laugh at his smart comment. And with that we got up and cleaned the dish, fork and cup he had used like we did in the mornings.

The next day he came with Sae for breakfast and dinner. This happened for the next few days without much of an issue. Peeta walked Sae over every evening, her holding onto his arm. I imagine it's for both of their stability as they both had arms full of bread and other food. Sure enough, the first few days were spent in silence as Sae would cook, Peeta would cut bread and I would set the table. We would eat under Sae's supervision and Peeta and I would exchange quick glances and smiles until Sae would leave and Peeta would escort her home.

After almost a week of this, Sae excuses herself saying she needs to go home to take care of her granddaughter. Peeta jumps up, offering to walk her home, and she reassures him that she's okay. As she leaves Peeta and I sit back down and finish eating our bowls of rabbit stew.

"So about that book you thought we should start," Peeta begins, "Do you want to get started on it?"

"Sure, I just got some paper from Dr. Aurelius and he said it's a great idea. Let me go get it upstairs," I said excusing myself. As I'm upstairs thumbing through the box I had gotten full of medicine and other items from Dr. Aurelius I had a loud crash downstairs. I grab the entire box and head down there to see what happened. Peeta was on the ground, writhing on the ground. I knelt down beside him calling his name, "Peeta? Peeta? It's okay. It's ok-" I stop as his eyes open and they are dark. Before I can finish, he grabs my braid pulling me closer to his face when he yells, "You killed them! You killed them you filthy mutt! You killed my family!" as his grip caught me off guard and my head is pulled in an awkward position he continues yelling as I struggle to break free. When I finally do he spits in my direction and gets up, quickly rushing towards me. A little better prepared, I grab a chair and throw it in his direction, creating a quick obstacle he tumbles over, head first into the corner of a wall. As he falls I could hear a groan leave his lips as he stopped moving, hunched over the chair. I stood shocked for a few seconds until I saw him roll over unconscious and land on the ground with a thud.

I sprang to his side, moving the chair and calling his name. "Peeta? Peeta! Peeta, wake up! Please!" As I pull him closer and place his head in my lap I start crying a little, worried that I may have hurt him more than I intended to. "Peeta, please wake up! I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm so, so sorry! Please. Wake up!" As I continue calling his name his eyelashes start to flutter and gradually his eyes open. When he fully wakes up he is shocked and looks at me, all snotty nosed and red-eyed.

"Katniss! What happened? I'm so sorry! Please don't cry!" I wipe my nose with my sleeve and help him sit up. "You had a flashback. But it wasn't too bad" "Wasn't too bad? What happened? Are you hurt? Did I hurt you?" While my head definitely hurt from him pulling my hair so tightly, I decide not to mention it. "No, I'm not hurt. If anything I think I hurt you more," I say, lightly touching the red bump that is continuing to rise on his forehead. He winces at the pain and says, "As long as I didn't hurt you that's all that matters."

I stand up and he helps me pull the chair upright. It's definitely broken, but not so badly that it isn't unusable. I help him walk to the couch and go to grab the box I had rushed downstairs with. As I bring it to the couch and start digging through the box some of the medicine spills out but Peeta simply sets it on the side table, examining each bottle.

"They're to help me fall sleep," I say, not looking up. The fact of the matter is that while I still sleep pretty lousily these at least knock me out so I can sleep and escape the thoughts running through my head. But he doesn't say anything. I think he might still feel bad for the entire episode.

"All right, here we go," I say as I pull out the stack of paper and pens Dr. Aurelius sent. "Where would you like to start, Peeta?" "Katniss, I don't know that I'm up to it tonight. Do you mind if we start it tomorrow? I think I just want to go home and sleep," is all he says. I offer to see him home but he insists he's fine on his own and leaves, closing the door silently as he leaves.


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning I woke up in a fresh pool of sweat. Although the weather has been getting warmer, I know it was due to my previous night's nightmare. Peeta was choking me and accusing me of everything under the sun while my arms and legs were pinned down by his body. I jolted when I awoke and sat up straight in bed, trying to gather my surroundings despite the darkness around me. It couldn't have been later than 2:30 or 3 so I got up and walked towards my bedroom door. As I walked past my window I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Peeta's window was on as well. At first I thought to go over but then my better judgment kicked in and I decided to go camp out on the couch until he and Sae came over for breakfast.

I woke up to a giggle and a piece of yarn touching my nose. Sae's granddaughter was playing with a ball of yarn above my face trying to wake me up. When I opened my eyes and sat up I noticed Peeta in the kitchen with Sae talking about something. I was still a bit out of it so I stumbled towards the table while Sae's granddaughter ran to Peeta who picked her up and sat her on his lap. He continued talking with Sae while holding out his hands so the girl could wrap them in yarn. This was a much better version of Peeta that I wanted to think of. I propped my head up in my hand and looked in their direction half-conscious until Peeta asked me something and I was snapped back into reality.

"What about it Katniss? Do you think it's a good idea?"

"Wh-what? Sorry, do I think what is a good idea?"

"Reopening the bakery. After last night I went home and started digging around the books I had and found one my father had made. It had his recipes in it. I even tried one for this morning," he said, passing me a plate with muffins on it. "What do you think?"

I smelled the muffin and bit into it, tasting the strong cinnamon, sugar and blueberry flavors. "This is delicious," I said. Peeta got a boyish grin on his face and said thanks before offering one to Sae's granddaughter.

As we ate in silence a sense of pride spread across Peeta's face that I hadn't noticed in far too long. I couldn't help smile as well. When Sae and her granddaughter got up to leave and Peeta and I started cleaning the dishes, I asked him about the bakery idea and what else he had decided to do with it.

"Probably rebuild it. It looks pretty bad."

And as he says it I realize I haven't gone into town in the several months I've been home. I've wandered around here and to the woods, but I think I've really been avoiding the other people.

"Would you like to come see it with me?" he says, interrupting my thoughts. I simply nod in agreement.

As I go upstairs to change I realize I've been wearing the same clothes for a few days and decide to take a bath. I yell downstairs to Peeta that he can go ahead and I'll meet him there because I needed to make myself presentable. Imagine my surprise when he coyly said, "Oh come on, Katniss. You don't need to get dressed up. We're just going to town. It's not like it will make you look any different anyway."

As I walk downstairs I stop on the last step so he can see me as I give him my nastiest look and say "How rude!" He continues smiling and begins to chuckle to himself when he begins to restate his phrase, "And by that I mean you look great everyday!" before I smack his arm. "No, go ahead and get gussied up if it makes you feel better. I'm going to go get something from my house and I'll be right back."

I run upstairs to wash my body and try to find something that isn't dirty or ripped. The best I can kind is simple cotton dress. I think it may have been my mother's but I put it on anyway. I feel like an imposter wearing the dress but decide to take it one step further by putting on a pair of flat shoes that are definitely not my comfortable boots. As I start to head downstairs I hear Peeta announce his arrival and stop at the top of the stairs feeling a bit embarrassed by how I looked. What would he think? Am I trying to impress him? Do I really care? And proceed to descend the stairs.

When I get to the bottom Peeta gives me the best compliment I've gotten in a while with, "Very nice. You look very presentable Miss Everdeen." "Why thank you, Mr. Mellark. It's amazing what a shower can do to someone who hasn't done it in almost a week." We laugh and head out the house towards to town.

"What did you go get, Peeta?" "The plans for the new bakery," he responded. "I want to keep the feel my father established but make it my own, you know?" I nod since I wasn't too familiar with the bakery. Sure I sat outside of it starving to death when Peeta saved me, and sure, Prim and I would go peek through the windows at the beautiful cakes Peeta decorated, but I had never set foot inside. His mother would shoo Prim and I away from the entrance when we stopped for more than a second or two.

As we head towards town I notice several people looking at me like I was from another planet. Peeta waved at them and they waved back, but I heard their whispers about the lunatic who killed Coin. My cheeks turned red from embarassment but Peeta noticed and put his arm around my shoulders as we walked further into town finally reaching the shell of the bakery.

As we walked inside Peeta gave my shoulder a tight squeeze and let go, wandering down what must have been a hallway. The roof was gone in most areas and the windows were all missing. I wandered around trying to piece what had gone where but failing miserably. "That used to be where the cash register sat," he said, pointing to a long countertop near the hallway. "And there," pointing towards a large room to the left, "was where we baked". I could see what must have been a brick oven and wandered closer towards it feeling the ash covered brick. I was glad he remembered these things but couldn't help but ask, pulling his arm so he would stand still long enough to hear and answer me, "Peeta, how much do you remember?" He stopped and thought about it, "I remember a good bit. My memories of people who were most important to me are really the things that suffer," he sighed before perking up again, "but I do remember this bakery!" I gave a half-hearted smile before continuing to follow him around and listening to his ideas for the bakery.

After about an hour and a half he asked if I was hungry. I wasn't, but I could tell he might be so we headed back to the Victor's Village. Upon arriving we saw a truck unloading around a dozen geese. Haymitch was standing next to it and paying the driver.

"Haymitch, what is this?" I ask. "Well, Effie said they're limiting the amount of alcohol coming to the district so I thought I'd get a hobby." "Raising geese?" Peeta and I ask in unison. "Well, sort of," he stammers until getting defensive, "Well you have your hunting and Peeta bakes and paints, so why can't I raise geese? I'm responsible enough!" to which we both laugh. Dismissing ourselves we walk towards Peeta's house.

Once inside he offers me a drink and pulls out some meat and bread from his refrigerator. I admit that I'm not hungry but insist he eat if he is. While he fixes his lunch I ask him, "Peeta, you still paint?" He finishes making his sandwich and slowly turns around while letting out a slight sigh. "Yes. Dr. Aurelius think it's good for me to help establish what's real and what isn't." "Well how can you tell what's real and what isn't?" I ask. "Haymitch helps me. At least when he's sober enough. He comes over and I feed him lunch while he looks at my paintings throwing out what is real and what isn't."

I felt a bit hurt that he hadn't asked me to help but before I can continue my thoughts he surprises me, "Want to go over them with me today?" "Sure," I respond. After he finishes his sandwich he leads me to the study. The layout is similar to my house so I know it's not a long walk, but he's silent which makes it feel a bit longer.

As he opens the door for me into the study I see that every wall is covered with incredible life-like portraits and scenes. There's one of us in our parade costumes from the original games. There's one of Rue's body, surrounded by flowers. There is one of Finnick reviving him during the Quarter Quell. Each picture I see brings back so many memories that it is hard not to cry and my body betrays me as I begin to cry a little. Peeta senses it and comes from what he was doing to put his hand on mine.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think they would affect you like this. You don't have to help me with these." "No, I want too," I nod vehemently, "I'm just so impressed with how well you paint. You get it. You get it all. That's what amazes me. You don't just paint the scene, but you paint their personalities as well. That's what makes it so sad for me that you can't remember your brothers' faces as well."

He scratches his head and says, "Well, that's why I'm glad you're here today. I painted what I think is a picture of my family. But I'm not sure. I know Haymitch would be useless because if he ever noticed them he was drunk." And he takes out a picture of his family. They're all lined up in front of the bakery as if posing for a picture. His father's face is kind as it was, his mothers face was kinder than I ever remember it being, and his brothers faces were almost right. "Your brother Rye. His eyes were a different color and he had a big mole right _there_ on his jaw." I said, pointing to the area where the mole was.

Peeta laughed with me as he painted on the mole and asked for clarification on the eye color. "I want to hang this in the bakery," he sighs, "you know, when it's finished. As a reminder of them." I think it's a great idea and tell him so.

As I continue inspecting the different paintings I come across one of a hand holding a pearl. Given the skin color I know it's my hand. Peeta comes up next to me and asks, "I gave you that pearl on the beach during the Quarter Quell. Real or not real?" "Real," I respond softly. "Good," Peeta asks, putting his hand into his pocket and pulling something out, "because I was wondering why I have this," he said, opening his hand to reveal the pearl.

My mouth dropped open a little bit and unsure of himself, Peeta puts a hand on my shoulder and says, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry if this brings back bad memories. I'll keep it." "No, Peeta. That brings back anything _but_ bad memories," I say, "I honestly think sitting on that beach with you was one of the happiest times I had during the games," I continue. I wish I had stopped because Peeta got a suspicious and curious look on his face and asked why. I laughed, "You know why, Mellark! You watched the videos. I'm sure you know what happened then." He chuckled and pulled me in for a hug. I can't remember the last time I was hugged, much less the last time it felt so comforting.

We pulled away slowly and began looking at other paintings, me verifying what was real and what wasn't, and Peeta pulling out more sketches of scenes. As the "not real" pictures were shown and rejected he would tear up the picture and throw it into a box that was already half-full. When we finished we sat down on two separate chairs and Peeta passed me the pearl and touched my hand, "Thank you," he said. I nodded and accepted the pearl, playing with it in my hand.

We sat there for what felt like hours as I played with the pearl and he looked at me, asking for confirmation of other memories he had but hadn't painted. As we looked out the large window I noticed the sun begin to set and Peeta pointed at the beautiful color in the sky, "That's my favorite color. Real or not real?" "Peeta, that's not a good real or not real question," I chuckled to which he joined me. "I know, but I wanted to see if YOU knew."

We finished watching the sun set and I handed Peeta the pearl, "Here, you should keep this until you find a girl you can remember wanting to give it to," I said. The happy expression left his face and he accepted it, putting it back into his pocket slowly. I felt bad, but at the same time I meant it. If Peeta didn't love me the same way as before I didn't want to keep tokens of what was robbed from me.

I helped pull him out of the chair and we walked back to my house where Sae was waiting with a warm meal. She smiled when she saw us happily walk through the door. She excused herself to go home and before she left told us what she had made for dinner. "A new train came in from the Capitol today. Lots of good food I haven't seen in a while. Decided to make a special treat. Lamb stew."


	6. Chapter 6

After dinner Peeta helped me clean the dishes. He was quieter than normal but I tried to change the mood. "Do you want to watch some TV with me tonight?" I asked. He shook his head no and "Do you want to go for a walk?" I asked, to which he nodded yes.

We headed out to walk about our little area of the district. Most people were inside their homes with lights on inside. As we continue walking I see Peeta start heading to towards the town. It's not an especially long walk, but I had only taken it once before since being home and even then the stares I got were uncomfortable. With no one else outside though I thought it wouldn't hurt and continued following him. We walked in silence really so I began to think about everything and everyone. The Games, Prim, Rue, the Victory Tours and sharing a bed with Peeta for comfort's sake. I missed him. Even though he was less than 6 feet away from me I missed him. Then I thought of Finnick and the little boy who will never know his father. The pain began to weight heavy on my mind and I noticed I was walking slower than before. Peeta turned in my direction and shot me a concerned look as we wandered closer and closer to the bakery.

As we stood outside and I wandered up to his side he began talking, "Katniss. I miss them so much. I know some things are a little fuzzy, and maybe we didn't have an ideal family, but they were my family. Now I have no family." I guess he had been thinking about similar things as me during our walk. He continued, "I just wish I had a family. I'm jealous that you still have your mother. You even have Gale who would welcome you back with open arms if you chose to go there with him. Who do I have? What do I have? I have the empty shell of a bakery, some paintings, and flashbacks that turn me into a monster." "Peeta, you have me," I said, reaching out my hand to take his. He didn't reject it. "Peeta, I would never go back to Gale. There's no point to it. I could _never_ love him." Peeta squeezed my hand and pulled me closer to him to give me a hug. The embrace sent electric waves throughout my body and I couldn't help but want to stay like this forever.

We stood there, hugging each other for several minutes with his chin resting on my head when I noticed my hair was getting a little damp. I looked up at him to notice he was crying. I pulled him in tighter and tried to comfort him as well as I could, reassuring him that he wasn't alone because he had me, Haymitch and the geese. This made him chuckle and as he pulled away from the hug and wiped away his tears with his hand his other hand reached for mine again and gave it a tight squeeze. "Thank you, Katniss," he said, "thank you for being such a good friend. I honestly don't know what I would do without you."

As we turned to head back to the Victor's Village I noticed we didn't let go of each other's hands. We simply walked back slowly and silently until we saw some of Haymitch's geese run out from their makeshift pen and walk across the road. We chuckled and walked to my door where Peeta gave me another tight hug. "Thank you again," he said. I invited him in but he shook his head and said he should get back home and sleep.

The next morning I woke up to the smell and sounds of bacon frying on the stove. I headed downstairs and to my surprise Peeta was there alone cooking breakfast. "Where's Sae?" "Oh, I told her she didn't need to come by as often anymore. We could make our own breakfast. Besides, her husband hasn't been too well either. I thought I'd give her some more time to herself. It's the lease we could do." I was surprised by his actions just as much as I was surprised to learn Sae still had a husband.

As I sat at the table he brought two plates and set them down. Bacon, an egg and fresh bread with butter. This was a bit more luxurious than Sae usually made. "I love bacon," I admitted, to which he grinned. We ate in silence and upon completion of our meal got up to do the dishes.

"So what are you plans for the day?" He asked. "I don't know. Probably go hunting. Maybe pick some wild greens and fruit. You?" "Thom's coming over so I can show him some plans I have for the bakery," he said excitedly. I smiled at the thought of us having a happy and productive day. And that's exactly what it was.

After breakfast he went back home to talk with Thom and I grabbed my father's jacket, pulled on my boots and headed out, ready for a great day. I was out longer than I expected and decided to head towards the lake where I used to swim with my dad. It was the summer and my feet were tired from climbing and running for so long and I thought it wouldn't hurt to do a little swimming. As I floated in the water I remembered trying to teach Peeta to swim and couldn't help but smile. When I put my clothes back on I noticed the sun was setting and headed back to the village. As I was walking up to my home Peeta was leaving his, headed towards mine. He laughed as he saw me, still wet from my swim, and sarcastically asked if I had picked up fishing instead of hunting. I held up my bags of fresh meat and plants and he gave me a look of being sincerely impressed. We sat on the steps as I took my wet shoes and socks off and he held the door for me as I plopped them outside to dry.

"So how did it go with Thom?" "It went pretty well. We went to go take a look at the bakery and even got started cleaning it out a little." It was then that I noticed he was a little dustier than he had been this morning. "So what are we having for dinner, Mr. Mellark?" I asked, while cleaning the birds I had shot. "ehh… I'm not sure. I told Sae to take the night off because her husband is still sick, so let's see what we have. Pheasant, wild greens and strawberries. Delicious!" and he began washing the dirt off of the greens and berries. He dug around the kitchen to find everything he needed and made a delicious meal with my bounty and some fresh cheese buns. I was impressed with his meal. Not that I was surprised. With what he was able to bake it didn't surprise me that he could also cook.

After our meal we moved to the couch, not cleaning the dishes. We sat there, bellies full, and shared our experiences from the day. It was enjoyable and comfortable to sit so close to him. Our sides were touching and the entire area of contact felt warm and comfortable to me. When it got later, Peeta pulled me up and we headed to the sink to do dishes. "Peeta, how have you been feeling," I asked, wishing I hadn't. He grew a little quieter and responded softly with fine. I didn't want to press the issue so we finished the dishes and he got ready to go. As he said goodbye he pulled me in for a quick, friendly hug and said he'd see me tomorrow.

I was especially happy following our goodbye and headed upstairs. As I changed into my nightgown I decided to sleep with the windows open. Like Peeta liked to do. I lay in bed and thought about him. How he used to feel in the bed next to me. How he always defended me. How the Capitol took him from me and tortured him. How he tried to kill me. The room suddenly grew colder and I pulled the blanket up, trying to force myself to sleep.

He was on top of me. Snow was laughing and spewing blood on my face as he pinned me down trying to take advantage of me. Peeta just stood there, snarling at me like a crazed dog while I screamed for help. I kept screaming as every dead person I knew came by saying I deserved this. Finally, Snow took my Mockingjay pin and stabbed it right into my heart and I woke up, screaming.

It couldn't have been too late in the night but shortly after I woke up I heard screaming coming from Peeta's open window also. But his didn't stop. I ran downstairs in my nightgown and ran towards his house. He never locks doors so I opened it and ran upstairs to his bedroom. Peeta continued screaming so I sat on the bed next to him and stroked his arm calling for him softly, "Peeta? Peeta, you're okay. You're okay, it was only a dream." He squeezed his eyes tight and pulled me in, closer to him. He was covered in sweat. I laid down on the bed next to him and pulled him in closer to me. When he finally woke up he opened his eyes widely with a look of horror on his face, "Katniss, are you okay? Did I do anything to you? I'm so sorry," "shh, shh. No, you're okay. I was awake and heard you. It frightened me a little so I came by to make sure you're okay," I said, trying to soothe him. His face relaxed and he laid back down, pulling me in tightly and closing his eyes. "They took you from me. I don't want them to take you from me. You're all I have right now," he continued to say as I shooshed him back to sleep. Eventually I became drowsy as well and feel asleep in his arms.


	7. Chapter 7

When my eyes finally opened I saw Peeta's bright eyes smiling back at me. "What time is it," I asked, noticing the bright sun pouring into the room as I tried to blow the hair out of my face. "Around 9:30," he responded, tucking some of the hair I was failing to move behind my ear. He fell back on the mattress and put his hands behind his head.

I suddenly became very aware of my surroundings and pulled the blanket up to my chin, feeling awkward, realizing I was lying next to a topless Peeta. He laughed, "Come on Katniss, you've seen me in less than this. Besides, it's not like we haven't slept in the same bed before," obviously hinting to the many nights of the Victory Tour. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable sleeping next to him. If anything it was that I was SO comfortable. Add that to the fact that I was trying not to look at his bare chest and I just felt awkward. I tried to get out of the bed stealthily and failed miserably as, upon pulling back the sheets, I noticed my nightgown had crept up past my thighs. I pulled it down quickly and Peeta stifled a laugh as he covered his eyes, trying to make me feel more modest.

I quickly headed downstairs, not looking back, and found myself seated on his couch when he came down with a shirt on. "Come on Katniss, it's okay. Don't feel embarrassed," he said, rubbing by back. "Here, let me get breakfast started. I decided to sit at the table while he cooked. I noticed he was a better morning person than I was since he was still smiling while I lost the adrenaline that had previously rushed through my body as I sunk onto a chair and propped my chin in my hand. Peeta placed a plate of eggs, bacon, bread and fruit in front of me and I perked up with I saw a glass of orange juice. I rarely drank it since it felt like a luxury I didn't care to spend money on. Peeta sat next to me and we ate in silence.

As we got up to clean the dishes I couldn't help but begin to chuckle at this morning's situation. "Thank you for coming last night," Peeta started. "I'm sorry I woke you up. I didn't realize you could hear me." "You're fine, Peeta," I responded. "I was up anyway and I really was worried something had happened. Besides, we take care of each other, right? That's what we do." As I finished he nodded his head and smiled in agreement. I dried my hands and excused myself to go home. As he opened the door to let out, he leaned against the doorframe while asking when wanted him to come by for dinner. As I began answering Haymitch sauntered up with a half-empty bottle in his hand, laughing, "Well, well, well. I can't say I'm surprised, but boy, that was quick!"

We both straightened up and turned bright red. "Haymitch, it is not at ALL what it looks like," Peeta began as I looked down at the ground and crossed my arms over my chest realizing now that I had no bra on. Haymitch simply laughed and laughed while I excused myself quickly and ran across the grass back to my home. The trip seemed to take forever as I continued to hear Haymitch laugh until Peeta pulled him inside and slammed the door shut behind them.

In my mind I've always been more mature when it came to issues like _that_, but when you're in a situation like that it's hard to act level headed. Especially when you aren't sure of the feelings between you and the other person. I'm pretty positive I was beginning to love Peeta again, but wasn't entirely sure how he felt about me. And after this morning I _definitely_ wasn't going to be pressing the issue. I went upstairs and changed into my hunting clothes. As I headed down the road I saw Haymitch leaving Peeta's house and when he saw me he swung his bottle and started laughing in my direction again.

That evening Peeta didn't come at the time we had discussed. As the time dragged on I waited and waited. I set the table, cleaned the squirrels I had caught, and even scrubbed myself down after my long day in the woods. But he didn't come. Feeling a bit hurt, after waiting for an hour and a half, I sat down on the couch and turned on the TV to try and focus on something else. To my surprise Gale was on, being interviewed about a new fleet of hovercrafts they were creating. My stomach churned looking at him. Was Peeta right? Would Gale still accept me? Was my judgment too harsh following the bombing? He said he didn't know about it, but I still felt sick looking at someone who may or may not have been involved with my sister's death. I turned the TV off and lay there on the couch, listening to my stomach. I was definitely hungry but also a little uneasy about having seen Gale since I shot Coin what - 9 months ago? I tried to sleep but failed miserably at it. I was tempted to head over to Peeta's but since he was giving me the cold shoulder I headed to see the only other person I knew who would be up this late.

"Haymitch?" I asked as I knocked and opened his door. I didn't hear anything so I crept in quietly waiting to hear anything. I eventually did but it was coming from upstairs. Haymitch's house was filthy as usual, so I had to walk around the piles of dirty clothes, empty liquor bottles, and leftover pieces of wood and nails from when he built his geese's pen. I began to head upstairs but the stairs were making a lot of noise and gave me away as I approached the landing.

"What do you want?" a dark voice said as I wandered in the darkness towards where a soft light was coming from. "Peeta? Is that you?" and before I got a response I got a smack across the face and was pushed down the stairs.

I woke up in my bedroom the next morning with Haymitch asleep in a rocking chair next to my bed. As I began to stir I felt a sharp pain in my head, neck, and ribs. I let out a light groan and he woke up, half in a drunken haze, checking on me to make sure I was okay. The door creaked open a little and Peeta's head poked in looking sad and embarrassed. I pushed myself closer to Haymitch who was becoming more coherent and pulled the sheets closer to me.

He entered the room but stood with his back against the wall, not looking at me as he began, "Katniss I'm so sorry I hurt you. I never want to do it. I feel like a monster in my own skin and don't want to hurt you anymore." He has the saddest expression on his face and I lost the grip I had on my blankets as I scoot in his direction. "Peeta, I know you didn't mean to." I don't want to appear like a woman who would take anything from the man she cared about, but I also wanted him to know I didn't hold it against him. He wasn't the one originating the thoughts. The Capitol had done that to him.

He took a hopeful step forward as I spoke but then stepped back against the wall again as he began to respond, "Katniss, you're practically my only friend. If I can't trust myself around you, what am I doing here?" "Peeta," I stop him, "I can defend myself!" "What, like last night?" "I didn't know you were there. I was trying to find Haymitch. It WASN'T your fault."

As I said this I thought of Snow laughing at me. The stench of his engineered roses came back and I was upset that he was still winning. I may have burned his rose but he still had his grip on Peeta. My fierceness in my voice died down as I repeated myself to Peeta, "It wasn't your fault. Snow is still mocking me. Even if he's dead." Peeta stepped forward to the bed and Haymitch perked up like a guard dog. I touched Haymitch's arm to let him know it was okay and he sunk back into his chair, his eyes focusing on Peeta. I patted the bed to let Peeta know it was okay to sit down but he shook his head no. He squeezed my hand and without saying a word left the room. I heard the door close as he left the house.

Haymitch started before I could say anything, "I don't know what to do with him. I tried to tell him some more stories yesterday but well, my drink got the better of me and I ended up passed out on a chair in Peeta's house. The next thing I knew he had brought me to my house and then I heard a noise outside my room. I woke up and saw you there lying on the ground at the bottom of the stairs. He was just kneeling against the wall and crying."

I sat there silently trying to visualize the story he had just shared with me. "Haymitch, what stories did you tell him?" "I don't really remember. I was drinking Katniss. Hell, for all I know I was making stuff up." My anger grew sharply and I threw the clock by my bed at him. "Why would you do that? Haymitch, he doesn't always know that you're full of crap when you're drunk!" I landed back on the pillow rubbing my sore neck. Haymitch let himself out as I obviously was done talking with him.

I laid there until I head someone enter downstairs. Although I was in a lot of pain I walked to the door and opened it, calling to see who was there. "It's just me," Sae said strongly as I heard he coming upstairs. Seeing the old woman helped me relax and feel a little more at ease. I wasn't in the mood to see Haymitch and I didn't want Peeta to feel any guiltier today by looking at me. When I was up I noticed the pain in my ankle as I must have twisted it. I hobbled back to bed as she came in. "What would you like for breakfast?" she asked as though nothing had happened. I was indifferent so she told me to lie down and she'd bring something up.

I stayed in my bed most of the day, with the exception of going to take a bath and soak in the warm water. I fell asleep in there and dreamt that Peeta was trying to drown me. I woke up gasping for air and quickly tried to change and get back to my bed. Lying there got pretty boring so I went downstairs to try and find something to read. Hobbling around wasn't the most comfortable, but neither was lying in bed so I dealt with it and decided to stay downstairs and read, until Sae came back to fix dinner. This continued for the next few days since I was a bit more beaten up than I originally thought. For the rest of the week Sae came by, talking and making me breakfast, lunch and dinner until I was comfortably moving around the house. Peeta and Haymitch never came by but I wasn't focusing on that.

When I was eventually well enough to get up and move outside the house I put on some soft slippers and wandered outside with my pajama pants and a robe on. I didn't care who saw me. I slowly began to feel the same way I had when I first got home. Numb. I wanted Peeta to come over but if he didn't want to, he didn't have to. For the next few weeks I slowly got used to spending the majority of the day by myself. Sae would come over to make breakfast, I would go hunt or wander around the woods most of the day, and return as the sun set to meet Sae at the house fixing dinner. I didn't talk much, but when she tried to make conversation I obliged. It was good to hear someone's voice besides my own and the ones that came during my dreams.

After about a month of not seeing Peeta or Haymitch I asked Sae, "Do you still go fix meals for Peeta?" "No," she responded with a sad smile, "He makes his own meals. But I see him every now and then in the town. They're fixing the bakery. Did you know that? It looks very good. They've finished putting up the roof and walls." I gave a half-hearted smile and finished my breakfast, heading out to the forest.

As I walked I wondered what the bakery would look like. I imagine it would look amazing in comparison to the last time I saw it. I found myself on the boulder Gale and I used to share and sat down. And cried. I cried for everything I had lost. I had lost Prim. I lost Rue. I lost Cinna. I even lost those who weren't dead like my mother, Gale and Peeta. Peeta. The Capitol stole him from me again. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore and then lied down to sleep since my head was hurting from crying so much. When I woke up it was nighttime and I heard footprints snapping dried leaves and branches as the person came towards me in the darkness.


	8. Chapter 8

By body stiffened out of fear that it was a predatory animal. "Katniss?" his voice said as he neared me. "Katniss, are you okay?" Peeta asked as he crouched down near me, reaching for my forehead. "Sae came by when you weren't home. We were worried that something had happened." My body relaxed and Peeta helped me sit up. He sat next to me and continued, "Are you okay? Did you mean to be lying on the boulder like that?" There was concern and a twinge of humor in his tone as he bumped me on the shoulder, trying to emit a response from me. "Yeah. No, I'm fine. I just fell asleep," trying to divert his attention and prying eyes. He didn't seem too convinced. "Are you sure? Your eyes look swollen. Let me look," he said as he gently takes my chin in his hand and turns it so I face him. "I'm not sure what you'll see since it's dark out here." But it wasn't. Not really at least. The moon was bright and gave off enough light that we could see each other's face. He looked into my eyes and there was sadness in them. But I just stared blankly into his. I tried not to show emotion. I loved him, I had realized it while sitting here and crying on this rock. But I knew it could never be returned. Sure, we would be the best of friends, but it would never be the same. He helped me stand up and we walked home.

As we walked he asked why I had been crying. Curse you, Peeta Mellark, for being able to tell I was crying! "I wasn't crying." "Liar," he said flatly. "I'm just sad because of everything. I'm sad that nothing is the same." "What isn't the same?" "Everything. My family's gone, my friends are gone. You're here, but not really. You don't even come see me for a month. Peeta, I can defend myself despite what you may think. If you let me be around you more I could help, believe it or not. I'm good for more than just hunting." I didn't care anymore. I let it all out." We stood there silently on my porch before Peeta opened the door and led me into the home to sit on the couch. He brought me some bread and sat down next to me.

"Katniss, I don't know what you want from me. You take care of me, but what do I do to take care of you? I hurt you. You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who will treat you better because your whole life has been hard since your dad died. How can I do that when I flip out randomly and hurt you?"

There was sadness in both of ours when I responded, "Peeta, you have always been good to me. _YOU_ have. The Capitol hasn't. Snow hasn't. Coin hasn't. They stole you from me. But I want to get _you_ back." He pulled me in for a tight hug and kissed my forehead before resting his cheek there. We didn't move the rest of the night. We fell asleep there on the couch. And I had no nightmares.

When I woke up Peeta looked at me and smiled, "Hi. How'd you sleep?" "Fine I guess, despite this pain in my neck," I said, beginning to rub the knot that had developed over night. He began to massage the area and my shoulders for me before pulling me in for another hug. It felt wonderful. I smiled at him and before we could get up Sae came barging through the door calling my name. "Katniss? Katniss, are you he- oh! Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt," she said, stopping in her tracks. Even if she was old you could notice her blushing.

I stood up and smiled, helping her get the table set. Peeta stood up quickly too and began helping Sae prepare breakfast, "How's your husband?" He asked, trying to deflate the awkward air in the room. "He's okay but not much better. We're going to the doctor in a few weeks to see what's wrong." We went again in silence until they finished breakfast and set it on the table. Sae excused herself and left.

"Was that as awkward for you as it was for me?" Peeta asked once the door had shut. I chuckled and nodded as I finished my food. Once we finished we stood up and headed to the sink to do the dishes. Despite the time since the last time we had done dishes together we worked together smoothly as I smiled to myself. When we finished Peeta asked me what my plan was for the day and I responded, "Definitely not go into the woods. I spent enough time there yesterday." He chuckled and nodded, confirming that that was probably a good idea. "How about you?" I asked. "Well, we've been working on the bakery. It looks pretty good. You should come see it." I eagerly accepted the invitation and asked if I had enough time to change before he left. He wouldn't have time to wait since he needed to go change and be there to meet Thom in less than half an hour. So I told him to leave, that I would meet him there, and then ran upstairs to shower and change into cleaner clothes.

As I walked towards town a few people stared but I did my best not to notice. Why do people stare anyway? Have I changed that much? I suppose so since I was again wearing the blue dress and non-hunting boots. I really should get something else to wear.

As I walked up to the bakery Peeta was helping Thom lift a pallet topped with several layers of bricks. I stopped a far way off to look so that he wouldn't notice me looking at him. For once he had on a short sleeved t-shirt. Even though the weather was starting to get cooler, it was sunny and you could tell he was sweating a little. But he did look good. I saw a few people observing me as I watched him and decided to head over to break from their suspicious glances. Peeta was carrying a large box that was obviously very heavy when he saw me and stopped to smile. Because he turned his head he didn't notice the wheelbarrow someone was pushed across his past and his grip on the box fell as both he and the contents fell to the ground.

Surprised I headed over to help him but the man with the wheelbarrow was already there helping him back up. He laughed and thanked the man and turned to me, "Maybe having you here isn't such a good idea," he said winking. I shook my head trying to ignore what he said as I walked in front of him up the steps to the bakery and opened the door for him. The bakery looked great! There was a simple coat of white paint on the walls and about four different men besides Thom were around the area finishing installation of the windows. There was a large one near the front that had another sheet of glass behind it. "That's where the decorated cakes will be displayed," Peeta pointed out to me. In the back I could hear men working in the room where Peeta said they baked. He indicated for me to follow him and I could see they were installing a second brick oven and replacing the broken parts of the original. "Peeta, this looks incredible!" I said. He proudly smiled and nodded, a sense of triumph emanating from him.

We left the back room and he led me to a set of stairs at the other end of the building. You could tell this area wasn't quite as complete but we walked upstairs and he led me into two large rooms. "This is where I want to teach. This room will be for teaching baking and the other will be for art classes." I was impressed with his idea. Although the area was definitely better off than when Panem was under Snow's control, the area was still very "utilitarian." There was the school and the medicine factory and the clinic, but other than a few shops, there weren't any other places to really go. I heard we were supposed to be getting a library, but that would take a few years. I appreciated Peeta's consideration of the community as a whole.

We walked downstairs and I sat on a pile of bricks watching Peeta and the other men buzz around me like busy worker bees. After around 45 minutes Peeta offered everyone things to drink and then came over to sit by me, offering me my own drink. As we sat there sipping the water I could feel him looking in my direction. "What?" I asked, looking at him. "Nothing, I'm just wondering what you think about all of it," he answered. I reiterated my earlier response that it looked wonderful and that I thought the class ideas were great. "I really want to make the bakery more inviting this time. You know, some place everyone feels comfortable walking into." I liked the idea and smiled as he continued telling me what would go where. Not really noticing the other men returning to work, Peeta stopped once Thom called for his attention the third time and got up to return to helping. As he reached for my cup it slipped from between our hands shattering on the concrete floor. "Maybe having me here isn't such a good idea," I said, laughing as I knelt down to help him clean it up. He laughed and I left.

I decided to explore the area more before heading back home. I wandered through an apothecary's store and a book store. When I got to a clothing store I remembered my thought to get some clothes other than the clothes I was in and the hunting clothes I wore. As I entered a woman I didn't recognize came up to me, "Oh, it's the Mockingjay," I flinched as she called me that and she changed her tone, "Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you." "No, it's fine, don't worry," I responded quickly. Her name was Zenobia Dunbryll and she had come from District 8. One could tell she was more fashionably attune than I was but not overly so like the people from the Capitol. I spoke with her a little while discussing what I wanted. Nothing too girly, I told her. She moped a little at this but then came out with a few outfits that I was surprised I liked. Mostly soft pants and a few tops that were comfortable as well. Definitely nothing I would go hunting in, but not bad. While I was changing she brought me something else and slipped it over the door. I bragged it without really looking and noticed it was another dress. Before I could say anything she said, "You need at least one dress. Besides, this one bring out the color in your eyes." It was a simple dress really. Nothing frilly about it. The color was a dark blue. I tried it on and liked how I looked in it.

Upon leaving the changing room she asked in anticipation what I thought and fighting the urge to show her how much I liked it, I nodded my head and said, "they work." She was excited with her choices and began to ring me up. Luckily I had money with me. She said someone would bring them by later and that she was glad she could help. Walking out of the store I appreciated the woman from 8. She was a genuinely kind person who didn't care who I was.

As I walked home I could hear someone running up behind me and turning around saw Peeta. He was jogging to catch up for I waited for him to reach me. We he slowed down he was a dusty mess and I told him so. Jokingly he came in for a hug and pretend kiss but I pushed him away telling him to go shower before coming over and dirtying my house with the sawdust from the bakery.

About an hour later he showed up clean and changed into his regular slacks and button up. I missed looking at his nice arms, but was glad to have him over regardless. Sae came over with her granddaughter and prepared food while Peeta and Sae's granddaughter played a game of keep away with a ball of yarn and Buttercup. I sat on the couch watching this happily when someone knocked on the door.

"Sweetheart," Haymitch said very confused, "I don't know if these are my size." As he held up the bag filled with my new clothes. I jumped up and grabbed them, inviting him to come in. I guess the delivery man got our houses mixed up? At my sudden movement and sight of clothing the little girl left her game with Peeta and the cat and came over to oooh and aaah over my purchases. Sae came over as well and Haymitch and Peeta sat on the couch, confused by women's amazement with new clothing. "Try them on for us, girl" Sae said, excitmenet in her voice. "No, I.." "You're gonna wear 'em sooner or later," Haymitch piped in. "Yes, please! Please!" Sae's granddaughter said. I looked at Peeta and he had a smirk on his face. "Okay, fine." I said, heading back to the bathroom.

As I came out with my different clothes on Sae and her granddaughter commented on the pants and tops while Haymitch make wisecracks. Peeta just sat there with Buttercup on his lap glancing every once in a while and politely smiling. I didn't have a lot of clothes, just a few things, but I debated not showing them the dress. Realizing it didn't really matter I put it on and headed out. "Wooow," Sae's granddaughter said. She began clapping and Sae even joined in. "This one's the winner" she said. Haymitch gave me a thumbs-up and Peeta just stared with his mouth a little open. Who knew such a simple dress could get such a reaction. I began to blush when I looked at Peeta and quickly we both looked away. I went back to the bathroom and quickly changed while listening to Sae's granddaughter and smiling, "When I grow up I want to look like Katniss. She's the most beautiful lady in the world." Sae and Haymitch chuckled at this.

We all ate dinner together that night and Peeta and I finished the dishes alone. "You did really look beautiful in that dress you know," he started. "Don't worry, no one's around, you don't have to lie," I said. He smiled and we finished the dishes. When I noticed he was getting ready to leave I pulled his arm to stop him and thanked him for his compliment. "No problem," he said. "When do you want to get started on that book?" he continued. Because I wanted my happy mood to continue I suggested, "why not right now?"


	9. Chapter 9

We sat on the couch and I pulled out the parchment paper. "Where do you want to start?" I asked, "Can we start with my family?" So we begin. He tells me stories and I write them down. I write down stories of my family and he draws according to what I describe to him. We write and draw quickly, laughing at funny stories and tearing up when painful memories come back. Eventually we look and it's well past midnight. Realizing the time we begin to yawn and laugh at each other's less-than-attractive yawning faces until Peeta stands up to leave. I pull his hand and, having lost my better judgment from lack of sleep, ask him to stay. He sits back down and puts his arm around me. We both lean to the side of the couch and fall asleep on the couch for a second night.

The next morning I wake up to the sound of cooking and open my eyes to see Peeta making breakfast. He turns around and greets me with a smile, inviting me to come eat. "What happened with Sae?" I asked. "Well, I was up anyway so I told her to go back home and get some rest. I can cook breakfast, right?" We smile and eat breakfast and thus begins our routine. For several months things run smoothly as the fall turns to winter. We eat breakfast, Peeta goes to finish up the bakery or paints at his house, I hunt or go watch him at the bakery, we eat lunch together with the workmen and after dinner, spent with or without Haymitch depending on how sober he is, we work on the book. We've called my mother and other friends we had lost touch with requesting pictures. We receive several back including one of Finnick and Annie's little boy Finn. He looks just like his father with bright green eyes and a mess of bronze colored hair.

"I want one of those someday," Peeta said as he looked at the picture. A pang hit me as I knew what he meant. Peeta wanted children. I did not. Even if Snow and Coin were gone and the Hunger Games were over, Plutarch Heavensbee even said that the stability of our country was very iffy. I didn't want to bring children into a world where they could face the same the same difficulties I had or worse. I tried not to dwell on Peeta's statement and got up to use the bathroom. To leave the room and think about it. Could I ever want children? Would I even need to? Peeta hasn't really shown any romantic interest in me, he's just my friend. I would never push the issue.

As I walked back to the room I noticed Peeta's head was down. I tried to make a joke but he looked up at me with dark eyes and I knew what that meant. I braced myself to see what would happen. It had been several months since Peeta had had an attack. In a split moment he was up on his feet coming towards me. With a rush of adrenaline I pushed against him as he pushed me into the wall. He wasn't screaming but he was calling me mean names and pulling at my hair. I kept craning my neck so he couldn't get a grip on it and looked into his eyes. "Peeta, Peeta, it's just me, Katniss. It's just me. It's not real. Whatever you're seeing, it's not real." "You killed the baby. You lied to me to get you pregnant and then you killed our baby." I fought back as his grip on me tightened around my shoulders and stared back at him, "Peeta, there never was a baby! There wasn't a baby!" I pleaded for him to understand there was never a baby and suddenly his grip loosened and he fell to the floor, crying.

"Katniss, I'm so sorry." I knelt beside him and put an arm around him. "Peeta, it's okay. You didn't hurt me. I'm okay, see?" And I showed him my lack of scars. Sure there may be a bruise tomorrow and my scalp hurt, but he didn't need to know.

He hugged me back and we knelt there in the hallway. As Peeta stood up he avoided looking at me and said he needed to go home to sleep in a real bed and not make me sleep on the couch. Once again I grabbed his arm and led him upstairs. I could feel his arm tense up as he realized we were heading and reassured him, "It's okay, I've slept in your bed before and you've slept with me in the train. Shoot, we've been sleeping on the couch for how many weeks? The least we can do is sleep in a bed like normal people."

I change in the bathroom and when I come back Peeta is lying in the bed, facing the wall. "Do you want the windows open?" I ask. He nods gently as I open it a crack to let the cold winter air come in. As I climb back into bed he softly says thank you. I scoot closer to him so I can feel some of the heat radiating from his body and this is how we sleep for several months. When I have nightmares, we rolls to face me and holds me in his arms until I fall back asleep and the opposite happens when he wakes up screaming. Eventually we start to just fall asleep holding each other. Nothing romantic. Just two friends realizing it's just the two of us in the world and we need to look out for each other.

Peeta's bakery opened at the beginning of the year. He didn't let me come see it the last few days before it opened. He said he wanted it to be a surprise. The day before it opened he wanted to show it to me privately. "You know, since you're my best friend I figure I could at least leave you with some perks and let you see the finished place first." And so he led me up the stairs, "Eyes closed, Katniss!" and surprised me, "open them!" It really was what he wanted. There were places for people to stay and eat their purchases, an area for kids to watch the bakers, and beautiful cakes frosted in the window. I looked at the beautiful paintings on the wall. Most were artistic renditions of pastries and such, but a few were people enjoying them. A family is eating cake at a party, a little boy who looks like an older version of Finn is taking a big bite out of a sugar cookie, and two girls are looking in the bakery window at the frosted cakes. I know who the last two are, even if you only see their backs. The little one is blonde and the taller one has dark brown hair.

"What do you think?" He asks, anxiously. "Wonderful. This place looks amazing, Peeta!" And it really did. He led me upstairs to show me the classrooms and they are also equally impressive. The bakery classroom has a long table and several small ovens along the wall. The art room has several of Peeta's paintings that I'm more familiar with. They are more abstract that the ones below, but they are still impressive. "You've really outdone yourself, Mellark," I said. "Maybe you can come take some classes here. Maybe then you can bake your own cheese buns," he says with a laugh as I playfully slap his arm. He leave the bakery bundled up and arm and arm, wandering down the road and talking about what he plans on making for the grand opening tomorrow.

That night as we are finishing a page on a victor Haymitch unexpectedly comes by drunker than a skunk. "I've lost the mother goose!" "What?" "The mother goose, I can't find her. I brought all of them in from the cold but she's not inside." For once Haymitch is showing sincere emotion as he weeps over the loss of his goose. "We'll help you find her," Peeta says, putting an arm around our inebriated friend. I get up to put my coat on and we head outside calling for Haymitch's goose. We separate each of us searching around the other abandoned homes in the Victor's Village. With no luck I head towards Peeta to see if he found her. While walking towards him I see him fall on the ground and let out a faint gasp for air.

I run to his side and see that he has the dark look in his eyes. Before he has time to realize I'm there with him I spring into action. For some reason the first thing I do is straddle his chest and pin down his arms and legs. I can feel him struggling underneath me but I say, "Peeta, look at me. Look at me. It's not real. Whatever you see, it's not real." He struggles some more under my weight until finally giving up and going lax underneath me. Haymitch heard the struggle and comes over crying with his mother goose. "Are you okay? Is he okay?" "Yes," I reply, "but we need to get him inside the house. Since we were closest to his house we each took and arm and dragged him inside. Well, I did. Haymitch struggled with a goose under one are and Peeta under the other.

Setting the goose down he asks what happened. As Peeta comes to he realized what happens and begins apologizing. "Peeta, you didn't do anything. Look, see?" and I show him my neck and arms to prove he didn't hurt me. As he relaxes I reassure him that I beat him to it this time and he didn't hurt anyone. "I just thought y'all were doing to weird lovers thing," Haymitch jokes towards Peeta. Before he can continue I throw a towel at him, "Get out of here, Haymitch, we found your stupid goose!" He covers the goose with his coat and stumbles out of the door, "She's not stupid. She just has a poor sense of direction."

Peeta's mood lightened up with Haymitch's inappropriate comment. "What _DID_ you do, Katniss?" he asks jokingly, rubbing his wrists where I had held him. "Hey, I had to defend myself and I did. Don't question my methods," I laughed. Not wanting to head out to the suddenly falling snow I suggested we stay here tonight. We sat there for a moment until Peeta broke it, "Thank you" he said.

"I told you that if you let me know what to look out for I could be better prepared for this," I said going upstairs. He sighed acknowledging the fact that I was right and we headed upstairs. As he changed into his pajamas in the bathroom he indicated where I could find something to sleep in. As we swapped rooms so that I could change I could hear him crack the window open to let in the cold air. With the sudden drop in temperature I sprinted back to the bed and pulled the covers up around me, trying not to shiver to death. He climbed in and scooted closer. And closer. Until we were closer than we had slept before. I laid my head on his chest and he pulled me in tight. And we slept.

I don't remember waking up so refreshed, but when I did the window was closed and there was a lingering smell of sweet bread. I headed downstairs only to see a note from Peeta on the table saying:

_Sorry I left early. I wanted to get started on everything with the bakery opening tonight. Thanks again for your help last night. ~Peeta _

I ate the sweet roll and quickly headed back home to change for the day.


	10. Chapter 10

The grand opening was amazing. Peeta was bussing around the shop helping people, giving kids free cookies, talking, and beaming with pride. I didn't want to disturb him so I sat and observed for a few minutes. I sat in amazement of how well he could run this place by himself. He had discussed hiring a few workers, but didn't really mention names in particular. After about 10 minutes he noticed me and smiled. As he finished talking with the group of little kids and gave them all high fives, he walked over to me and asked what I thought. Before I could finish my thought another customer was asking for his attention and I simply mouthed, "amazing" before walking outside.

I wandered over to Haymitch's house to see what he was up to. Upon entering I nearly tripped over a gosling crossing my path. "Don't kill him, he's little!" Haymitch yells from across the living room. I shook my head, "Honestly Haymitch, what has gotten into you with these geese? You treat them like they're your children or something." "Well maybe they are," he answered, nuzzling a larger goose. "What brings you over here anyway? The boy not paying attention to you at the bakery?" "No, he tried, but it was so packed. Haymitch, he did a really good job. You should at least go over there to show him some support," I chided, picking up a gosling.

"The boy doesn't need me. I'm not your mentor anymore, you know," he said, his voice lowering a little. It was then that it hit as to why Haymitch had these stupid geese. He knew we didn't need him anymore. Because the Games ended he didn't need to mentor any more poor kids from District 12 who would inevitably die in the arena. "Haymitch, we might not need you as our mentor, but you're still our friend. You're the closest thing he's got to family these days," I emphasized. I sat down beside him and decided to ask about the other kids he had mentored over the years. Haymitch cried a little, and not entirely from the alcohol, I think, and then asked about the book Peeta and I had made. "Can I add them to the book?" I was touched by Haymitch's sentimentality and happily agreed. I ran to my house to get the book and brought it back to Haymitch. He had fallen asleep while I was gone so I left a note for him, "Come over when you wake up. We'll start adding the kids to the book."

I returned home and wandered around a bit trying to figure out how to kill my time. It was too cold to go hunting, Peeta was at the bakery and probably wouldn't be back until later, and Haymitch was passed out with his Geese. I decided to go see Sae.

I wandered down to her home which was on the other side of town. It wasn't a large home, but you could tell she took good care of it. I knocked on the door and was greeted by the pudgy faced little girl who lived in her own world. "Hi, is your grandma here?" I asked. "Yep. She's with Papa in the back," and she skipped towards the back, returning a few minutes later until she reappeared with Sae. "Hi Sae," I said softly, "I don't mean to interrupt; I just thought I'd stop by to see how you were doing." She smiled and invited me into her home. It was a lot smaller than mine but it felt like a home. There were a few things here and there to decorate it, but it was clean and the delicious smell of whatever she was cooking filled the air.

"How have you been, child?" she asked. "Oh, I'm good. I hadn't seen you in a bit and was wondering how you and your family were doing." She didn't have much family. Her children who hadn't died in the bombings fled to other areas of Panem. The little girl's mother was never married and died giving birth so it was really just Sae, her granddaughter and her husband Jem. "Oh, we're doing all right. Jem's not doing so well," she trailed off, sadness filled her eyes but she continued to smile politely. "Why? What's wrong?" I asked quickly. "Well, he's still sick. They're going to start treating him, which is more than I could have hoped for 3 years ago, but I'm just worried. You know how it is when you don't know what will happen to the man you love." I did. Despite our age differences and the fact that she had been married to her husband for probably 40 years, I understood the fear that consumes when the one person you care most about has an unpredictable fate. I smiled and gave her a reassuring nod. I didn't really know what to say. Peeta would have had the correct words, but I didn't. "Is there anything I can do to help?" I asked. "No. No, we'll be all right." She smiled and patted her granddaughter's hand. The little girl scampered off, playing with an old broken toy in the corner.

I talked with Sae about what she had been up to and she willingly shared. I had never really had a long conversation with Sae before and it was an interesting sensation to feel a sense of comfort take over me. I never really felt that talking with my mother. Even though I knew she loved me, it always felt a bit strained and awkward. But Sae was easy to talk with and the time quickly

She asked me what I had been up to and I told her about the book and hunting and Peeta's new bakery. She nodded regarding the last topic, "Oh, I know about that. He comes to visit me. Ever since that incident all those months ago he comes by. Brings me bread and the girl some treats," she smiled. I was a bit taken back. I didn't know that. I guess she noticed the surprised in my face because she laughed, "Oh yes, girl! He comes buy to visit. See how Jem is doing. Makes sure we're okay. I guess he still feels guilty about what he did. But I'm fine," she finished, raising her arms so I could get a look at the area he had cut.

As I sat there registering this and wondering why Peeta hadn't said anything a knock was heard on the old window near the door and the girl squealed. "Speak of the devil," Sae said as I slowly turned around. The little girl quickly opened the door and Peeta immediately bent down to accept a kiss on the cheek from her. As he stood back up holding a box tied with string for Sae to take he noticed me, "Hey Katniss, I was wondering where you had gone earlier. I tried to come find you after." And he smiled and went to indicate what everything was to Sae.

As I stood there in silence I saw the boy I had known before. The scars were practically gone and he was attentive and kind to Sae and her little family. Not wanting to interrupt what seemed to be a regular visit I began to excuse myself on account of Haymitch. If it was late enough for Peeta to have closed the store Haymitch probably woke up already. "Well here, take something to eat, girl," she began as she began to rummage through her cupboards. "No, I should probably go too, Sae. I'm exhausted. Plus, I can make something for her," he said, winking. Feeling a bit defenseless I simply shrugged and put on my coat. Peeta gave the girl a pat on the head and told Sae he would be back tomorrow before we headed back out to the cold.

"How often do you go by?" I asked once the door closed. "Oh, probably three times a week. I don't spend EVERY moment with you, you know." He said, bumping into me for added emphasis. "Besides," he continued, "it's the least I could do to try and apologize for what happened. Plus, Jem's got cancer. He hasn't really been able to work much so I think she appreciates the company and the food." I nodded in agreement as he switched topics and began to tell me about the opening day at the bakery.

As we walked in the front door Haymitch surprised us. "Well since neither of you were here I thought I'd get started on dinner," he said defensively. Luckily he hadn't gotten very much done because it was obvious he had never really cooked. Peeta took over and began repeating the day's accounts, more animatedly though this time. As I stared at him retell the say stories from the day I couldn't help but begin to fall a little more in love with this boy with the bread. This baker, I guess, since he officially was in business. We ate a small, but delicious, meal and headed to the couch to begin Haymitch's entries into the book. As he drank and told us stories and what the different kids looked like Peeta and I drew and wrote as quickly as we could. Before too long though Haymitch was snoring; asleep on the couch. "Should we let him sleep here?" I asked. "No, I think it might throw him off if he wakes up somewhere unfamiliar. I'll bring him home," Peeta answered. With that Peeta picked up our drunken friend and carried him back home.

As he came back inside, stomping off the snow from his boots he snapped his fingers, "Shoot, I should have run home to grab clothes for tomorrow. I don't want to head back out in the snow." "So don't," I replied as I quickly grabbed my coat and put my boots back on, "I'll go get them" I said. Before he could stop me I was headed out the door and he was running up behind me, "No, really, I'll do it. The last thing I want is you digging through my underwear drawer and trying to pick out what I should wear." I stopped in my tracks thinking of the awkwardness that would indeed ensue if I did that and waited for him outside of his door. "You're right. That's the last thing I'd want as well," I said.

As we trudged up the stairs I couldn't stop myself as I said, "You should just bring all of your stuff over. It's not like you really live here anymore." This was only partially true. He came here in the mornings to get ready and he painted and baked in here before the bakery was finished. "You do have a point. But would that be awkward for you?" He asked. I thought about it as he began digging through his closet grabbing a few items to throw in an overly large duffle bag. As he went to grab his items from the bathroom I yelled, "No, not weird. It's not like we're strangers," and yanked out his entire top drawer, the one filled with socks and underwear as luck would have it, and dumped it into the bag. Peeta stepped out of the bathroom at the noise and his eyes widened. "Well okay then," he said with a broad smile and began to empty the rest of the contents from his closet and dresser.

It wasn't much, but it filled up the bag, requiring us to get another from his closet. As we finished we each took a bag and headed downstairs. As we because crossing the field between our two homes I lost my balance and slipped on a piece of ice, dropping the bag and landing on my head. Within moments Peeta was kneeling beside me laughing and helping me sit up. "Well Katniss, I'm fine with ice skating, but I think you need different shoes," he said and I pushed him away. I tried to stand up but realized I has twisted my ankle and sat back down upset. "Leave the bag, I'll help you get inside and come back and get it," he said, chuckling at my plight. After taking a few steps on my ankle Peeta whisked me up and carried me like a doll into the house, sitting me on the couch.

"You okay?" he asked, reaching for my ankle. "Yeah, it's not too bad, just don't touch it," I said wincing in pain. He took off my boot and sock and lifted my pant leg to get a better look. It wasn't bad, like I had said, but he rubbed my feet and blew on them to warm them up. After helping me stretch out on the couch he covered me in a blanket and excused himself to go grab the other bags. When he dropped the bags by the door he began removing his outerwear and headed to the kitchen, "If I'm going to be living here, then I'm making us some hot chocolate," he said as he found an old container and began heating up milk. As I sat there on the couch trying to warm up I thought of what Haymitch has said before the Quarter Quell and realized he was wrong. I could live a _thousand_ lives and still not deserve Peeta.

**Sorry for the fluff and filler and that this is the only chapter of the day. Finals are about to start and I have students coming by during non-office hours begging me to give them extra credit. **


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry I didn't post over the weekend. I'm a "no computer on the weekends" type of person, just as a heads up. Also, thanks for all of you who have added me to your favorite stories/ story alerts. I appreciate it and I REALLY appreciate all of the reviews. Thanks!**

As the months go by, Peeta and I fall into a routine. He wakes up early to head to the bakery and I wake up 3 or 4 hours later to eat whatever he brought home from the bakery the night before. As he's at work I go hunting or stay home trying to brush up on my non-existent domestic skills. I've almost poisoned Haymitch three or four different times with some of the dishes I've made but he quickly downs a glass of his strongest alcohol and seems to be okay after that. I don't want to tell Peeta I'm experimenting out of fear that he would ask me to make something for him. Haymitch is one whiskey-fueled guinea pig, but Peeta is another.

After lunch if I'm not out hunting I help Haymitch around his house or with his geese. Before Peeta comes home we head over to my house and get everything clean so that Peeta doesn't have to do everything in addition to cooking after a day of work. On weekends we break from our routine and enjoy our free time. Peeta paints while I try to pick up a hobby. I'm still looking for a good one, but usually I just grow frustrated with it and throw whatever I'm making in the fire. He usually laughs and says I don't need a hobby since I'm busy taking care of him, but I think we both know that's not true.

Every night though is spent with Peeta. Each night we take our turn in the bathroom changing and then climb into bed together. When I wake up screaming, his half-asleep body jolts to alertness and he holds me, whispering in my ear that I'm okay and safe. On the few occasions that he's had a flashback, he's really progressed in restraining himself. As I talk him back from it, he grips onto the back of chairs or doorposts for dear life, waiting for the flashback to leave. I help the exhausted Peeta come back to bed and we lie, holding onto each other in silence until we both fall asleep. Other than this though, we don't really have a physical relationship. I realize that while we are both doing better, we both have a lot of healing to do. I don't want to press the romantic issue and complicate things so I leave it as us being friends and it works out for the most part. Except for when the town starts to talk.

I know Peeta's heard it in the bakery. People talk when you live in a small town. I guess the fact that we live together doesn't help, but the people don't understand and we didn't care enough to enlighten them. We suffered together and we survived together. It simply made sense that we would stay together since neither of us had any other family. We were each other's family; even more so when Haymitch was around. Three victors tormented by their pasts. But to the people of District 12 Peeta and I were still the star-crossed lovers.

In the early spring Peeta and I decided to start gardening. His reasoning behind it was that he wanted to grow the herbs used in his recipes, but I knew better when he aggressively started tilling the ground behind our house. You could see the emotion in his face as he dug deeply into the ground, using all of his muscles to clear the area. "Peeta, what's wrong?" I asked. "I'm fine, Katniss. Nothing to worry about." A few moments later I asked again, unconvinced, "Are you sure you're okay?" "He threw down the shovel and sat down.

"I'm okay. I'm just tired." "Are you sure, you look pretty energetic to me." "I'm tired of people talking. I'm tired of going through the motions. Katniss, I want my life to have some purpose," he said, with frustration in his voice. "I want to know that when my life's over, I've risen above what happened and left it better than it was before I came." I felt sorry for him and didn't know what to say in response. I didn't understand why he felt his contributions weren't enough. He was teaching people from the area how to bake and paint and they loved him! The times I would head down to the bakery to meet up with him the people loved him because you could tell he cared about them. How was he NOT making District 12 better than it had been?

He stood up and wiped the dirt from his hands and helped me stand up. As we stood we saw Haymitch running from his back door towards us. "Emergency! Emergency! We need to go over to Sae's!" He yelled as he approached us. Peeta and I started running to her house with Haymitch struggling to catch up. As we approached her house, a car was there that was marked as being from the clinic. Two gentlemen were carrying Sae's husband out as she followed with the little girl. As we walked up and saw a sobbing Sae she explained the details.

"I tried to wake him up this morning to give him his but he wouldn't come to. I heard his heart beating and he's still breathing, but he's not waking up," she said through sobs. I didn't know what to say but Peeta did, "What can we do? Do you need us to watch your granddaughter?" Sae's eyes lightened up at the idea and before saying anything Peeta picked up the confused girl. Sae got into the car with the men and they drove off.

At first we stood there standing, wondering what to do with a 6-year-old girl who lived in her own little world. "You're just going to come stay with us for a little while. Is that okay?" Peeta asked. Not realizing that anything serious had gone on she got a big smile and nodded in excitement. Peeta smiled and took her hand as they went around the house gathering the things she wanted to bring with her. The four of us headed back to my house and set up shop with the little girl. Not knowing if she would be with us for six hours or six days we left most of her things in the living room as we cleaned up and began making a lunch.

Haymitch sat there staring at the air while Peeta sprang into action and began to fix a meal for all of us. I tried to help Peeta, but he shooed me towards our new little guest, asking me to play with her until lunch was ready. I walked towards her and she smiled shyly. I didn't really know how to play with her. Even with Prim I didn't really know how to play. She would always tag along with my mother, watching her as a healer and then pretend to stitch up and heal her little dolls made from sticks. I never really played like that. I never really even played with other kids. I was always too busy playing in the dirt or running around the meadow to stop and play with other girls.

As I sat in confusion she stared at me, holding out a stuffed animal. I took it and tried to play along, but it was incredibly uncomfortable. Luckily, before she became frustrated with my lack of creativity Peeta crouched beside me pretending to be a lion which made the little girl perk up. He took her hand and led her towards the table. Lunch was ready.

We ate in silence. Haymitch was staring off as he tried to put a few forkfuls into his mouth. Every once in a while he would come to and clear his thought, but he simply stared at the table or off in another direction. Peeta and the little girl would exchanges big smiles every now and then as they ate, and I simply observed our strange little group. When we finished I swapped spots with Peeta and cleaned dishes while he played with the little girl.

"Haymitch," I said, as I sat down next to him, drying my hands on my pant legs, "Haymitch, are you okay?" He came out of his stupor and nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. I'm just. Surprised. That's all. I didn't even realize he was sick. And he was my uncle." I felt bad for him. It wasn't until last year that I knew Sae was his aunt. Haymitch never tried to be close to her. I doubt he really talked with her in the years prior to the rebellion because I didn't know of him other than when he would make his appearances at the reaping. But Haymitch did have some remaining family after Snow had those closest to him killed. "I just shut them off," he continued. "Why would I do that? I don't even know this girl's name," he sighed. "Sadie," Peeta answered, still playing with the little girl, giving her a big smile as he said her name. "Her name is Sadie." Come to think of it, I didn't know her name either.

Peeta brought her to the table and sat down, placing her on his lap. "Sadie, this is Uncle Haymitch." He said, pointing towards Haymitch. She smiled and laughed as Haymitch tried to muster up a half-hearted smile. He excused himself and went back home.

It hit me at how sad it was that Haymitch didn't know his family. But then I realized I didn't know my mother's family either. They never wanted to see us growing up and now they were all dead. "Peeta, did you have family here?" "You mean my parents and brothers?" "No, like aunts and uncles." "I guess. We just never really spoke with them. My mother wouldn't let them come visit." I felt the need to keep my makeshift family together become even stronger. As we sat there I walked out the kitchen's backdoor to our garden that we had left earlier this morning.

Peeta and the little girl, Sadie, followed me and we silently continued our work while Sadie ran around, playing with her few toys. We finished planting the seeds when the sun started to set and all sat there on the grass, drinking water and watching the beautiful colors change across the sky.

As we went inside Peeta began to fix dinner and asked me to give the little girl a bath. I was honestly so lost once she was in the bathtub that I just let her play in the water while I sat on the toilet, making sure she didn't drown. How anyone could think I could take care of a child is beyond me. I made sure Prim didn't starve when our father died and our mother retreated, but she was always so mature for her age that she didn't really need me to take care of her basic hygiene. As I dried her off and put new clothes on her she smiled at me. I smiled back and held her hand as we walked back to the kitchen.

We walked in and Peeta had set a table with three plates piled with cheesy noodles and bread. Sadie's eyes got big and she smiled as she ran up to Peeta to hug his legs. "Thank you, thank you!" she said "This is my favorite!" We sat and ate with a happier but still silent atmosphere. When Peeta got up to help me clean the dishes I nodded towards Sadie who was trying to read one of the books that had been left out and he went to sit by her. As I finished the dishes I turned to see them leaning against each other, asleep and, at least in Peeta's case, snoring. The phone rang and before I could get to it Peeta woke up, making the little girl's head drop to the other side, as she was fast asleep.

It was Sae. Her husband was in a coma and they were being sent to District 13's larger hospital. She asked if we could watch Sadie for a few more days to which I agreed and then she hung up. Peeta asked for the recap and I repeated what Sae had said. He silently nodded and went to the little girl. Before picking her up he looked at me and asked, "Where should we put her? Just here on the couch?" "No, you'll wake her up when you leave in the morning tomorrow." As I went through the rooms in the house it was decided she would sleep in Prim's room.

As I led them down the hallway I could sense myself tensing up. I had entered Prim's room a few times to dust everything and keep it clean, as if everything had been a nightmare and she would be home soon. But I never imagined someone else sleeping there. As I paused outside the door I looked towards Peeta who grabbed my hand and whispered, "She doesn't have to. I can be quiet when I leave." "You're never quiet when you walk, Peeta," I smiled. He nodded in agreement and I slowly opened the door. I stood opening the door as he put her under the sheets and gave her the toy she had been carrying. He smoothed her hair out of her face and walked out the door behind me. He turned off the lights downstairs and followed me upstairs to our room.

As we laid there trying to fall asleep I thought about what Peeta had said earlier that day about leaving the place better than he had found it. How could he think those things? All he has been is kind. When he had flashbacks it wasn't him and even then, he was learning to control them. Whenever he did have kids he would raise them to be such wonderful people that it would be inevitable for them to be amazing adults. And then a pit rose in my stomach. If Peeta had kids, it wouldn't be with me. I still didn't want them. Besides, even if I did, my own issues would negate any of Peeta's good traits. I turned my back to him and fell asleep.

I had multiple nightmares that night. About Prim. About being set on fire. About Peeta married to someone else. Each time I woke up though he put his arms around me and pulled me in closer to him, reassuring me that I was okay and that he was there with me.


	12. Chapter 12

The next morning I woke up to hear Peeta downstairs and the little girl laughing. I headed downstairs and before I could ask why he was still there, Peeta greeted me and reminded me that it's not a great idea to leave a 6-year-old alone in a house even if I was upstairs. He gave my arm a rub and asked if I had gotten enough sleep before nodding and heading out the door. I'm left standing in the kitchen with a smiling little girl and a tower of pancakes in the middle of the table.

As we eat in silence Sadie begins to sing a song and I try not to develop a headache. Before she can finish the fifth verse of her song though Haymitch stumbles in, a little bit less drunk than usual. "Do you like geese, Sandy?" "It's Sadie," I correct, not looking up from my plate. "What about it, Sadie. Do you like geese?" She looks a little lost and then smiles. Haymitch reaches for her hand and for the first time ever I see him genuinely nice to someone who he had mentored in a death match. They head outside and I'm left seated at the table.

When I finished cleaning up and changing into regular clothes I headed out to Haymitch's to make sure everything was okay. Seeing that Sadie was in no eminent danger I told Haymitch to stay sober enough so that I could go get more of Sadie's clothes from Sae's house. To my surprise he nods in acknowledgment and I head out towards the road.

As I wander down the road I notice some people looking in my direction as they continue to talk, covering their mouths so I can't read their lips. But I know what they're talking about. It's the same as it usually is. But I don't mind. Sooner or later they'll realize that Peeta and I won't end up together. The thought makes me sad so I walk quickly until I'm sprinting towards Sae's house. When I get inside I slam the door and drop onto her couch, sobbing out loud. They're right. I am only using Peeta. What have I even given him in return for what he's done? People are talking about us and what they think we do behind closed doors when in fact nothing is going on.

I stand up after what feels like an hour and begin packing up the little girl's clothes, continuing to cry. I look through Sae's kitchen to see if there's anything that could go bad and pack what would otherwise spoil. I sit back on the couch to let my eyes dry up and lose their redness and get ready to go. While walking across town I bump into Zenobia from the store who stops me. "Uh-oh. What's wrong, Katniss?" she asks before I even open my mouth. My eyes gave me away. "Nothing." "Don't tell me it's nothing. I know something's up." Realizing she was the only female close to my age I could talk with I walk with her to the store and unload my concerns. I felt pretty petty unloading my worries on someone I had only met once before, but I couldn't share this with Haymitch, he'd just laugh at me and tell me to either buck up and go after him or quite my whining.

Zenobia listened to me as she tidied up the store and even shook her head no when someone came in. After I let everything out I felt like I had felt following my previous hangovers. A little confused by what happened, glad I got whatever was in my system out, and exhausted. She came over to me and put her arm around me. "Katniss, do you love him?" I thought I did, but then when I was confronted with the question up front, I couldn't say. So I didn't. She continued, "If you don't love him, then you need to make it clear to him so he can move on. You're both young enough that you can move on. But if you do, then you need to be willing to let it show. Don't be afraid of it." I nodded and stood up from the stool I had been sitting on. She gave me a quick, tight hug and said good luck. With that I picked up the bag from Sae's house and wandered home.

By the time I got to Haymitch's house it was early afternoon. I guess I didn't realize how long I had been gone, but Haymitch was asleep in a chair on his lawn while Sadie had put flowers in his hair and was playing with the geese. I smiled lightly at the girl who, upon seeing me, jumped up and followed me into my home. Leaving Haymitch outside to sleep whatever he drank off.

"Did you have a good time with Haymitch?" I asked, trying to make small talk as I put away the food in the kitchen. She smiled and nodded. I didn't bother with much more small talk since I wasn't in the mood for it. What was I supposed to do with a 6-year-old who barely spoke to me? I called Peeta out of desperation.

"Peeta, what am I supposed to do with her?" "With who?" "With Sadie." He laughed for a few good seconds and then asked what I had been doing with her so far. "Well, she spent time with Haymitch and the geese this morning. I went to get her stuff. What does she like to do? You're her boyfriend afterall, right?" He laughed again and began listing off things to do with her. "How do you know all of this stuff? Weren't you the youngest of three boys?" "Yeah, but Delly had younger siblings that we played with." It was then that I remembered Delly. She hadn't come back to District 12 with us. She moved to District 11 after it was discovered that none of her family survived the rebellion. Someone else who was on her own.

I thanked him and hung up the phone and turned around to see Sadie flipping through a book. As I walked closer I could see it was the book Peeta, Haymitch and I had made. As I sat down she pointed to some of the pictures, asking me who the different people were. As I began telling her about the familiar faces she eventually leaned against my arm. I put it around her and shortly after she was asleep. Not wanting to interrupt her, I pulled her in a little closer and continued to flip through our book. I hadn't looked at it since we finished it a month or two ago, but the stories were fresh in my memory. As I flipped through the book I began to tear up, thinking of all of these people who lost so much because of the evil hearts of those in power.

I thought of them and wondered what they would be thinking if they saw me in this situation. Would they be proud of what I had done with myself? Embarrassed that I turned into a girl who couldn't even make up her mind about the boy she had loved? I thought of Prim as I looked down at the little creature leaning against me. What would she say? She was always a bit more mature than me when it came to these situations. I sat there hoping she could impart some of her wisdom from the great beyond, but as I sat, Haymitch barged into the room.

"Sadie's gone missing! I can't find her anywhere!" I shooshed him as loudly as I could before he realized she was asleep next to me. By that point though she began to stir. Upon awaking she got a very concerned look on her face and gave confused looks to Haymitch and I. "It's okay Sadie, you just fell asleep. Nothing to be worried about," I started before she got a scared look on her face and began crying. As she cried Haymitch and I alternated in trying to calm her down but it didn't work. "Sing something," he said in a request of desperation.

I began to sing and rub her back as I had with Prim when she would wake up scared. Eventually she calmed down and I coaxed her into helping me in the kitchen while we waited for Peeta to come home. As the time stretched on I realized that my pride would have to be risked as both Sadie and Haymitch sat there staring at me hungrily.

"You know what my food does to you Haymitch. I'm not cooking for the girl or Peeta. I doubt their bodies could take it!" "Oh for crying out loud Katniss, it's late and we're starving!" Haymitch growled. With much fear and trepidation I went to the study to see if my mom had left any of her cookbooks. As fate would have it she didn't. I was on my own. I went through all of the cabinets and the refrigerator looking for what I had on hand. Rabbit meat, some onions, potatoes and a few cans of vegetables. "I've got beer" Haymitch says, as if this would help the situation. "You'll need that later. Not now though." I said as I hoped for a miracle and that the food would make itself. I began by pretending nothing was wrong and washing everything. I tried to make light conversation but realized this did not help my cause so I strapped down and began chopping everything into small pieces, hoping that Peeta would walk through the door. But he didn't.

I continued by putting oil in the pan and cooking the rabbit. "Take it out before it gets too dry," Haymitch said, trying to remember any cooking things he had heard. I turned around to him and he shrugged, "sounded right to me." The little girl laughed. I put the onions and potatoes in the pan and cooked them until they seemed soft. "Does this look about right, Chef Abernathy?" Sadie laughed again and Haymitch shrugged, "hell if I know." He quickly covered his mouth and Sadie laughed again while I gave Haymitch a death glare for saying that in front of her. Within 5 minutes the peas were heated up and we had a perfectly terrible looking meal placed in front of us. I've never been a praying person, but this might be a good time to start.

As we began to eat, Haymitch tried to reassure me that things tasted great although Sadie's expression denied this flatly. She sat there pushing the food around her plate and throwing random pieces of potato and rabbit onto the floor. I don't blame her. After living off of her grandmother's cooking and then eating Peeta's meals this past day, mine would be appropriate for only a dog.

We sat there trying to force the bland food down our throats when Peeta walked in. Looking at our pathetic state he laughed, "Who decided to cook?" I slowly raised my hand out of embarrassment and Peeta gave a small chuckle before heading to what remained in the pan and taking a bite. "This isn't too bad, Katniss." "Liar. Sadie won't even eat it," I said, pointing to the unfortunate little girl. He laughed even more and came to the table to kiss Sadie and I on the head before taking all of our plates. "How about we skip dinner and go to dessert?" Sadie stood up on her chair and cheered at this proposition. I think Haymitch would have too if he was capable of it. Instead he just downed a glass of whiskey and excused himself to go home.

Peeta opened a box he had brought in and inside was a little cake. "I made a large one with the students today," he said, "this is the top of it." It was a small round cake with elaborate piping in greens and yellows and oranges on it. Sadie clapped when she saw it and gave Peeta a high five. "Your students helped you make this?" I asked in astonishment. "Well, no. They made the actual cake. I finished it off. You can't eat cake without frosting, Katniss!" And so we took out three clean forks and dug in.

When we finished the cake Peeta began asking Sadie about her day as they walked to the couch and grabbed a book from the shelf. As they sat down I got up to get started on the dishes and Peeta called for me, "Don't worry about the dishes. Come sit." So I sat down next to them on the couch. Peeta pulled us both in close under his arms as he read a book about a girl and her pet dog. At the end he asked Sadie to tell him a story to which she willingly obliged. It didn't make much sense, but Peeta went along with it throwing in questions where appropriate. Eventually she grew tired enough and Peeta picked up the half-asleep girl and brought her to bed. I got up to follow him and couldn't help keep my insides from stirring as I watched him in amazement as he tenderly talked her into going to sleep. How could he be so good to this little girl after this long day?

We walked back out to the kitchen and he pulled me to the couch, obviously tired. As we sat down he pulled me in close and gave me a kiss on the forehead. "Thank you for everything today," he began. "I know this was uncomfortable for you. I'm sorry I agreed to watching her without running it past you but it was a spur of the moment and I thought that after all Sae's done for me it was the least I could do. I'm just sorry you got roped into it." Before I could clarify that I didn't mind he asked me how everything had gone and then informed me of his day.

"I've hired some people to help at the bakery. Some students that were a bit more advanced. Did you know the Aimes boy enjoys baking? He's actually pretty good at it. Luckily since tomorrow will be slower I told him he could open with me and I'd get him trained so he could start opening the store and I could sleep in a little more." He said with a smile. I knew he was relishing the idea of sleeping in more so I began to throw out the idea of going to bed now. But before I could the phone rang.

"Sae, how are you?" The crying on the other side did not bode well. "Sae? Are you okay?" Peeta looked at me with an inquisitive look and came to stand next to me so he could hear the phone call as well. "Jem's gone," she said, her body wracked with sobs. Jem had died and they were sending them home for him to be given a traditional District 12 burial. Sae would be home in two days.

As we hung up the phone giving Sae our condolences Peeta squeezed me tightly as we stood there in the kitchen. We decided to skip the dishes and head upstairs. As we changed and got ready for bed we didn't talk as usual but did so silently. I wasn't really sure of what to say anyway, I just kept thinking about poor Sae. Even though she was older and had gotten spend so long with her husband, and even though death is inevitable for everyone, the pain in her voice got to me. She loved him even though these last few months she had to take care of him and now he was gone and wouldn't be coming back.

As we climbed into bed I scooted closer to Peeta who pulled me in tightly again and nuzzled his face in the crook of my shoulder and neck.


	13. Chapter 13

Not much was said the next day. I woke up when Peeta woke up and went downstairs to sleep on the couch until Sadie woke up. I decided not to say anything to her, partly because I didn't know what to say and also because I didn't know if she would understand anyway. Haymitch came over later that morning and to my surprise was sober. I didn't know how to break the news to him, but did anyway, as quietly and discreetly as I could. The excitement he had for the day was cut short and he slumped onto a kitchen chair.

As he sat there I pulled out my family's plant book and began showing it to Sadie. She seemed fascinated by the different drawings and so I asked if she would like to go find the plants with me. She excitedly nodded her head in agreement and I couldn't help but smile because of her enthusiasm. We changed and I grabbed a bag to put our finds in. As we got ready to leave I pulled Haymitch up by the arm and dragged him along with us.

We walked silently. Well, Haymitch and I did. He dragged his feet while I led the way. Sadie was singing and skipping behind us. For a moment I wished I was in her shoes and could be completely unfazed by the death of a loved one. While I knew we hadn't directly told her yet, she was young enough and in her own world enough that I don't think it would have meant anything to her if we had. At least it wouldn't mean anything to her like it meant for me now knowing so many of the people I loved were gone forever.

We headed to the meadow and began picking flowers. Haymitch sat down and took out a flask he had stuffed in his vest and laid down. As Sadie brings me flowers I show her what they are in the book and point out our next one to search out. And for once with this child I start to feel comfortable with her. While I still know I wouldn't trust myself taking care of her for a long term basis, I'm not afraid that she's not safe with me while Peeta's at work. After a few hours we head back to the house with a stuffed bag. Haymitch fell asleep so I kicked his foot and helped him get up.

As we walked inside There was a distinct smell of bread baking. "Peeta?" I called out. He walked in from the backdoor and gave slight smile as Sae walked in behind him. As she saw her granddaughter the little girl ran to her and gave her hugs and kisses while the grandmother squeezed her special granddaughter tight for the better part of five minutes. As we stood there watching this heartbreaking scene Peeta scooted closer to Haymitch and I until Haymitch walked up quietly to his aunt and put a hand on her shoulder. In all of my days I never imagined Haymitch compassionate like this but it seemed like something had changed in him.

They all moved to the table, the little girl confused by the sadness around her. Peeta knelt by some of her toys and invited her to play with him. As she jumped off of her grandmother's lap and headed to Peeta I pulled out a chair and sat opposite Sae and Haymitch. "So when is the funeral?" I asked. "Sae wiped her nose and dried her eyes and said, "Tomorrow. In the afternoon. They're getting him ready before that." We sat there in silence again for a few moments listening to Peeta make animal noises with Sadie until I spoke again. "What will you do until then?" She shrugged and began crying again. "Sae," Peeta perked up, "you can stay with us so you aren't alone." "No," she sighed, "I don't want to impose on you more. I'll take Sadie home so she's not a worry." "She was never a problem," Haymitch said. Sae sighed and smiled patting his hand. "She can stay here another night if you need to do anything," I said. Sae's eyes widened at the offer and a small hint of happiness spread across her face. "Could she?" "Of course Sae," Peeta answered. "Leave her with us. We can take care of her until the funeral and bring her there. Go stay with him."

I had heard of that before; widows sleeping in the buildings where their dead husbands spent their last night above ground. The entire idea seemed weird to me. Why would anyone want to sleep in the same room as a dead body? I never knew anyone to do it. There was never a body for my mother to weep over; only a mass funeral and the ceremony in the justice building.

As Peeta walked Sae to the door the little girl clung to her grandmother's skirts until the woman bent down to tell her she would spend another night with us and then come stay with her again tomorrow. The little girl turned around to Peeta who held out an arm for her to hold onto and they said their goodbyes. As they turned around to face us Haymitch began, "So it's just like that." "Like what?" Peeta asked, indicating for Sadie to go play with her toys while he walked towards us and sat down.

"The poor woman's on her own now. Her kids won't even come back for the funeral." Peeta nodded in acknowledgement. Why wouldn't her own kids come? But then I thought about it and realized how much of a time restraint it was. "Besides, they were never close to her. Despite her goodness those kids turned out to be worthless," Haymitch continued. Peeta shushed Haymitch for fear that Sadie might register what he was saying. She didn't, as she was oblivious to our conversation, so we continued talking.

"What are you doing home early anyway?" I asked Peeta. "I asked around for when Sae would be getting in and met her at the station before bringing her here to see Sadie," he said. "Besides, Daigle was a quick learner this morning and things were slow. I thought I'd come home." I had to jog my memory before realizing that Daigle was the Aimes boy Peeta began training today.

He got up to begin dinner and I decided to try and help him. My cutting skills weren't bad anyway, just my cooking skills. As we stood there Haymitch sat there staring at the little girl and smiling back as she smiled at him. We made a small meal since none of us besides Sadie had much of an appetite. After dinner we cleaned up while Haymitch sat on the ground playing with Sadie. For the first time that I could remember, Haymitch willingly amused a child for more than a minute. Afterwards we were all emotionally drained so we turned on the TV to zone out, hoping it would make Sadie tired enough to go to sleep. It didn't. So after I gave her a bath, Peeta took her to the room and read to her until she fell asleep. He came out and gave a slight smile to Haymitch and me as we all just sat there. Wondering what to do.

"I'm going to keep the bakery closed tomorrow," he said, "so I'm going to call Daigle and let him know so he can put a sign up. Haymitch, do you know of anyone else who can be bearers?" Haymitch shrugged and couldn't think of anyone. "Well, I guess while I'm on the phone with him I'll ask Daigle and I guess give Thom a call." As we settled on plans we began yawning and our eyelids began to droop. As we stood up to head to bed Haymitch stopped us, "Do you mind if I stay here?" before he began further explaining why he wanted to stay Peeta patted him on the shoulder and asked where he wanted to sleep. "Here on the couch is fine. That way in case Sadie wakes up there's someone down here." We both smiled and went to the other bedroom upstairs to grab a blanket and pillow. Peeta brought it downstairs to Haymitch and made his phone calls while I got ready for bed. By the time Peeta got in the bed I was almost asleep until his movement woke me up. "Sorry!" he said as he rubbed my back and told me to go back to sleep.

The next day was grey. I dressed Sadie the in the only dress she had and Haymitch, who hadn't drunk any alcohol since the afternoon before, read a book to her as we waited for Peeta to come downstairs. I let him sleep in since doing so was typically a luxury to him. It was quite the scene to see Haymitch dressed in a dark suit but even more so to see Peeta in a nice black suit Portia had tailored to fit his Pre-Quell body. After almost two years it fit him perfectly. He straightened his tie and let a faint smile cross his lips as he walked downstairs and we all silently filed out of the house.

As we walked across town towards Sae's house Haymitch held the little girl's hand as Peeta and I walked a few steps behind. Although it was spring it was a little cool that day so we both had our hands shoved into the pockets of our coats. "I'm thinking of giving my house to Sae," Peeta said as we approached the town. I was a bit surprised and I think he noticed it before I had to say anything. "Her house has too many memories for her and mine is just sitting there empty." I realized how much this would mean to Haymitch who had begun to care about his family even if he hadn't before. I nodded and told him my thoughts on the matter and asked if he had told Sae.

"No, not yet. I was thinking after the funeral. I don't want to throw too much on her right now." Thinking of all the woman had been through in the last few months I thought that this would be a welcome surprise.

We visited Sae in her home and talked with the people from town. It was mostly just people who were originally from District 12, but there were a few faces I didn't recognize. After the talk died down a man approached the coffin and Sae followed him. She bent down to give him one last kiss and squeeze his hand before the coffin was sealed shut. Peeta, Haymitch, Thom and Daigle quietly picked up the coffin and led the procession out the door and down the road toward the cemetery. It was a bit of a walk, at least a quarter of a mile, but finally we made it to the spot where they were going to lay Jem. The bearers walked back to stand among the group and a woman began to sing. Here in district 12 not many words are spoken of at a funeral. The spouse might say some words, but what we mainly do is sing. Some of the songs we sing are about dying, but mostly ones about going to sleep, as if we were singing a lullaby to the deceased.

After a few songs Sae got up to speak. She shared a few stories about her life with Jem and how they had met as children in grade school. Peeta took his hand out of his pocket at her mention of this and reached for my hand. As she continued sharing stories of their life together he continued squeezing my hand and looking at me, a few tears streaming down his face. I couldn't help but feel the inside of me beginning to burn. As she finished her words Peeta let go of my hand as he and the other bearers moved forward to lower the coffin into the ground.

After the funeral we all slowly made our way to Sae to give her our condolences as she stood there with her granddaughter and Haymitch. They stood there silently and solidly like a force to be reckoned with. What a sorry lot they were. We stayed behind to speak to them but Haymitch shook his head no. "I think she just wants some time to herself. You two head on home. We'll be there soon." We nodded and headed back out towards the road. I was touched my Haymitch's ability to step up and help his family.

As we silently walked down the road past Sae's house and then towards the town Peeta snapped his fingers and said, "Wait here one moment. We're out of some things at home and I want to get them from the bakery." As I stood there watching him run towards the bakery I thought back to the funeral and standing there holding his hands. They were calloused and despite the weather today, they were warm and soft. As I stood there thinking it began to ran so I ran towards the bakery for shelter.

As the rain grew heavier and heavier I stood near the door under the protection of an overhang. I hoped Sae, Sadie and Haymitch weren't getting too wet, but considering the somber mood of the day, I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't notice the rain at first. As I stood there Peeta opened the door and invited me in outside of the rain. I quickly went inside and Peeta put the items on the counter as he ran upstairs to grab a towel.

"Here," he said, wrapping a towel around me and rubbing my arms and back to get the water off. "I knew I should have brought and umbrella," he laughed as I stood there shivering in the empty bakery. As he finished drying me off he wrapped the towel around me and pulled me in tightly for a hug. I stood there laughing at him as he quickly realized he would get soaked too. As we both stopped shivering and the rain abated a little he stood there, holding each other tightly.

"I want something like that," he said. "What, to be drenched in a dress? It's really quite overrated," I responded. "No, what Sae had with Jem. A simple love. Where you can give and give and give and never ask for anything back because you feel so lucky to have it in the first place. I don't want to feel like someone owes me or that we're on unequal playing fields," he says as he continues to squeeze me tighter. I smiled but in my heart I knew he wasn't talking about me. All he does is give and I have definitely not paid him back. And we most certainly are not in the same playing field. Peeta is heads and shoulders above me. But I want that too. I want the same love he's talking about. I stand there silently contemplating my future without Peeta and before I can start crying he interrupts me.

"Well say something, Katniss," he says with desperation in his voice. I'm jolted by the idea he might be meaning he wants something with me and I look up at him. "I want that too!" I say, meeting his eyes. As a smile spreads across his face I realize he was talking about me. The rush of joy overcomes me and I begin repeating myself. "I do. I want that!" as we begin laughing at the realization that we could exist as more than just friends the room seems to lighten up and we stand there staring at each other and smiling as he leans down, takes my face in his hands and kisses me.


	14. Chapter 14

As we stood there frozen in the moment Daigle knocked on the door and quickly snapped us back to where we were. He's stood there with an awkward look on his face as Peeta opened the door. "Daigle! Sorry, I didn't know you were coming by. What do you need?" He asked, pretending nothing had happened. Daigle didn't look up to make eye contact but simply said he had forgotten something in the bakery the day before and needed to pick it up. Peeta and I stood separately but looking at each other, trying not to blush too much as Daigle ran to the back of the store and ran back outside, with a quick "thank you", all while not making eye contact.

Peeta reached out for my hand and the box he had put the items into and we walked outside into the light rain. As he turned to lock the door I stood there impatiently, wanting to kiss him again, but not wanting to maul him while his arms were full. We walked back to the house and changed out of our wet clothes. Despite this newfound change in our relation we still felt awkward changing in front of each other so we took our turns, like we usually did at night, changing in the bathroom while the other talked and waited in the bedroom. We went downstairs and set a fire to warm up the downstairs. We knew Haymitch, Sae and Sadie would be coming here after they visited with people at Sae's house so we tried to make it comfortable for them.

Peeta began making some bread and I stood, leaning against the counter, watching him work. He kept looking up at me and smiling and I blushed every time he did. "What?" he asked after about the fifth time of looking at me smiling at him. "Nothing, I just like looking at you make bread. You're very focused," I said, trying to muster up a very serious tone and failing miserably. He gave a light laugh and pulled me over to him, "Not when you're around," as he gave me a long kiss, putting his flour covered arms around my waist. As we stood there kissing against the counter Haymitch, Sae and Sadie came through the door.

"Oh!" Haymitch began as he backed out of the door. "No, Haymitch, come in," Peeta started as his lips broke away from mine. Will we not have a moment to ourselves? He stood there with an arm around my waist as he motioned for them all to come inside. The mood was dampened a bit so we both walked to sit with all of them in the living room. "How are you all feeling," Peeta asked delicately. They were quiet for a moment until Sae spoke up with a slight smile behind her blood-shot eyes. "Not as good as you are, apparently, but we're all right."

We all tried not to laugh at her comment but the four adults in the room couldn't help it. "It was bound to happen sooner or later," Sae said with a smile escaping her lips. Haymitch interrupted, "Honestly, I thought I would have caught on sooner, but" I interrupted him, "It's really a new development. As in brand new." "I don't really want to hear about it," he laughed, holding his hands up, "As long as I'm not responsible for keeping you two alive, I'm okay with whatever you do in your private life."

Peeta stood up and headed back to the kitchen to continue his bread. "I'm making dinner tonight. What are you all in the mood for?" Sae's smile dropped and she simply shrugged. Haymitch gave a slight smile and sat back on the couch, taking a flask out from his damp coat pocket. The little girl played with one of the toys she had left and I simply said whatever. Realizing I wasn't much help sitting there with them I went over to Peeta and offered to help. He had me cut up several vegetables and some rabbit meat I had leftover and we fixed a hearty stew.

As we sat down for dinner, we ate silently as Peeta and I glanced at each other randomly, smiling. Sae didn't eat too much and Haymitch drank more than he ate. After a little while Peeta began asking about who had visited after the funeral and Sae went through a long list of names. With certain names Peeta would stop to ask how the particular person had been, in an effort to try and lighten the mood. At the end of the meal we sat around the table while Sadie went back to play with her toys. Sae began coming up with an excuse to leave but Peeta cut her off. "Sae, I'm really so so sorry. I cannot begin to imagine how you feel right now. Is there anything else we can do for you?" "No child," she said, smiling and patting his hand. "We'll just head on home and pick up the pieces," she sighed. "Will that be difficult for you?" I asked, trying to show concern. Her face dropped and she looked down at the ground. "Probably. The only memories I have in that home are with Jem. It's not the one we raised our children in; it's just one they built for us after the war. But it will be okay," she smiled, her eyes returning to mine.

"Sae, would you like to move?" Peeta asked. Her eyes looked at him in confusion, "Where would I ever have the money to do that? It's just me and the girl now. I'm too old to work much outside of my home."

"Would you like to move here, to Victor's Village?" Peeta and I both froze as the words escaped Haymitch's mouth. "I know I'm not much to speak of when it comes to kin. But you are the closest I've got," he finished. Sae was taken back, as evidenced by the look on her face, but she began to stammer a few words out, "well... yes… I suppose that would be nice…" There was a sense of hesitancy in her voice as she answered. "I promise I'd try to keep it clean," he said.

As Peeta and I sat back to watch this arrangement transpire he took my hand in his and smiled. "And you would be next door to us," he continued, as if this was a big bargaining piece for her. She smiled to herself and let out a small laugh as she shook her head. "I don't know what guilt made you all feel you needed to be kind to me, but it's okay," she said before I cut her off. "Sae, we'd love to have you here. Besides, that way when Peeta can't cook I can at least have a good resource to turn to so I don't burn everything." She laughed and nodded at this idea.

Before they left that evening it was decided that that weekend we would move Sae and Sadie into Haymitch's house. After they left we couldn't help but ask Haymitch, "Where did that come from? You can barely live with yourself, much less anyone else." Haymitch put on a defensive face and said, "She's the closest thing I have to family and she and that little girl need someone. I can take care of more than geese, you know." And with that he left the house, stumbling a little from having had too much to drink.

We laughed and headed up to bed. As we went through our regular nightly routine we were both still laughing at the idea of Sae and Sadie living with Haymitch. How would that work out? Sure he was in the honeymoon stages of getting a family again, but Sae wasn't a woman to be bossed around and Haymitch didn't like taking orders from anyone. As we settled under the covers we continued creating mock scenarios that would inevitably take place in this new household and couldn't help but laugh as we imagined Haymitch's and Sae's responses. As our laughter died down we turned to face each other and simply smiled. Today had been quite a day. Peeta propped himself up on his elbow he pulled me in closely and undid my braid. As he ran his fingers through my hair he looked at me lovingly and with a laugh in his voice said, "I'd never start a fight with you about cleaning. I know you'd win. You fight scrappy. Plus you're usually right." I shot him my dirtiest look and we both laughed. He grabbed me and pulled me in closely for a kiss and for once we were able to enjoy the moment without being interrupted. When we eventually broke away I laid my head on his chest and fell asleep to him running his fingers through my hair.

The next few months flew by quickly. We helped Sae move into Haymitch's, Peeta began training a few more of his bakery students to run the bakery and since I no longer had to make sure Haymitch wasn't passed out in his own filth, I was able to spend more time in the woods. Within a few hours of Sae's arrival at Haymitch we could hear them arguing, but for the most part things seemed to run smoothly. Deep down you could tell Haymitch enjoyed his new housemates. In particular, he enjoyed his new pet, Sadie. He didn't drink quite as much and instead tried to be aware whenever she came to him.

"If Haymitch can be that loving to a child anyone can," Peeta said as he walked up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. The question hit me a bit in the gut and I was reminded of Peeta's desire for a family. I still hadn't accepted that. By accepted that, it meant that one of two things would have to happen; either Peeta would have to move on and find a woman who wanted children or I would need to cave and have children with him. I shuddered at the first idea but the second idea also struck me with fear. Since we were nowhere near ready for marriage though I brushed Peeta comment off lightly and smiled, nodding in agreement.

Things were going well between Peeta and me. In the evenings, before Peeta came home, Sae would help teach me how to cook basic things; venison, rabbit stew, and other things. I have to admit that they weren't the best, but at least Haymitch didn't have to drink a shot of whiskey and Sadie didn't throw the food on the ground for Buttercup. After they left Peeta and I would do dishes and head upstairs to spend time in the comfort of our bed talking and making out. Every night I fell asleep, listening to his heartbeat. The frequency of my nightmares went down although they did still happen. Peeta wasn't in the clear either when it came to his flashbacks.

One evening as he was coming out of the bathroom, drying wet hair he stopped drying and left the towel over his face. Thinking he was goofing around as he usually did I went over to tease him as I went to swap rooms with him. But as I reached up to move the towel and tease him with a whisper he gripped my wrist tightly. For a moment I didn't know what was going on until the towel dropped to the ground and I saw his eyes. Thinking quickly, I grabbed his other wrist and pushed him into the frame of the door.

"Peeta, whatever you're seeing is not real." As he grabbed my wrist tightly I lost a grip of his and he grabbed both of my wrist tightly while staring, menacingly, into my eyes. He pushed me to the bed and knelt above me as he grew more and more ferocious. I was unprepared. But as he raised his hand to hit me I screamed, "Peeta! Stop! It's not real. I love you! It's not real!" as the words left my mouth the grip around my wrist loosened, the hand that was raised to strike me lowered, and he dropped on the bed beside me. As I sat up I looked at him. His eyes were clenched tightly and his knuckles were white as he struggled inside of his own skin. I grabbed his shoulders and called to him, "Peeta, Peeta, please open your eyes. You're okay. It was a hijacked memory. You're okay. I'm okay."

As he opened his eyes, he looked at me in sadness and lowered his gaze to my hand that was touching his. "Katniss, I'm so sorry," he started. "Peeta, stop it right now. I'm okay. You didn't hurt me." Although my wrists were red it didn't hurt. I lay down beside a now sweaty Peeta and rubbed his arm. "We're okay. You and I. We're both a little… damaged… but we're okay." He laughed when I said the word damaged and sat up to take his shirt off. It had been a while since I had seen him without a shirt and this time I couldn't help but stare. He laughed a little as he noticed me looking at him. "What?" He asked. I just smiled and we moved into our normal sleeping position. His skin felt warm against my cheek and I turned my face to kiss him right below his collar bone before turning my face up to meet his lips.


	15. Chapter 15

**This one's a little sloppy. I apologize. I'm trying to keep the plot interesting but not too predictable. But what do you all think? Is this too lame? **

Life progressed smoothly but slowly with Peeta. While my insides burned within me every time we touched, I didn't want to push him further than he wanted to go. Peeta and I were both still healing. Even when winter rolled around and it was two years after the rebellion ended and I had killed Coin, we still felt the scars that were physically and emotionally left. They would never heal, but learning to live with them together, knowing the other person was right there by our side, helped. We just wanted to take things slowly.

Gradually I grew bored with my routine and began hunting regularly again. In the mornings I would eat breakfast with Peeta and when he left to go to the bakery I would head the opposite direction towards the woods. The fence was up and the door was closed, but I opened it and snuck in with my hunting gear and set up snares to get meat. While life was still much better off than when we were under Snow's rule, there were still hiccups between the districts and there would be times meat was harder to come by.

Instead of the Hob a new market was set up where farmers would come with their freshly harvested fruits and vegetables. Occasionally there were other people selling grains and other items, and when meat supplies ran low I would supplement what was available with my newest finds. I tried to blend in more now. Every once in a while people would stop and stare or ask questions concerning my "stability", but for the most part I enjoyed relearning how to interact with the people of the area. More were moving back because it was their home- including Gale's mother and siblings.

At first it threw me off when I saw Hazelle and Posy. Was Gale near? The thought made my stomach turn but my fears were laid to rest when she sensed my unease and quickly said with a reassuring smile, "Gale's not here. He still lives in 2." We caught up on things, conspicuously avoiding the topic of Gale, and I learned that while they lived with him for a little while they wanted to come home to 12. "It's my home," she said, patting my hand. Rory and Vick had moved back also and were working in the medicine factory although Vick hated it.

Over the next few weeks I saw her more and more often and felt comfortable with her. I remember when I was growing up, after my father had died and before the Games, that I wished she had been my mom. She was kind, but strong-willed and a hard worker. She took care of her family and made sure that she was the one to look after her children. She was so different from my own mom. I invited her for lunch one day while Posy was at school and we were able to enjoy each other's company. It was like it was with Sae, but Sae was old enough to be my grandmother and while I knew her from the Hob, we didn't have as much of a shared past. Besides, she had Haymitch to look after now.

"Maybe Vick could work for Peeta," I suggested as she spoke of his dissatisfaction at the factory. A sense of unease arose and I quickly realized why. "I think that may be awkward for him. He's so close to his brother, you know?" Had Gale really not moved on? In the more than two years since I saw him, was he was still bitter that I wasn't with him? I tried to brush past the tension and threw out another option, "He could work for me." Hazelle's ears perked up and she put down her tea. "I don't need the money I get from selling the meat, but if he can hunt anything like Gale he would be a good partner." She smiled and said she would throw out the idea to him that evening.

When Peeta came home that night I told him the events of the day. I was surprised when he didn't react when I mentioned the awkward moment between Hazelle and I concerning Gale, and when I told him my idea of having Vick work with me he smiled and said it was a great idea. Afterwards we headed upstairs to head to bed. Both of us had been up earlier than usual and we were exhausted. As we lay there falling asleep I couldn't help but ask Peeta what he thought of the whole situation.

"Why would someone be like that? He's had two years to move on. Besides, it's not like he would be hurting for women. They've always flocked towards him," I started. Peeta got a look of disappointment across his face and I could tell he was thinking. "What?" I asked, encouraging him to fill me in as I propped myself up, leaning against his chest. As he stopped my hand that had been rubbing his chest he held it and said, "I wouldn't be able to move on. In all honesty, I don't blame him. You're a one-of-a-kind woman, not some girl who goes around swooning and fainting into the arms of men. You're tougher than nails and you have your head on straight," he shook his head and pushed some hair out of my face, "I don't envy him because I know I would be the same way if you had gone with him."

I fell backwards onto my back thinking about what Peeta said and for the first time in a while I felt sorry for Gale. As I fell asleep in Peeta's arms I couldn't help but think about what he had just said. How would it have been if I had gone with Gale instead of him? Would he have come back to 12? Would I have progressed as well as I have? Would Gale have put aside his military career to move back here with the declared lunatic who had killed President Coin?

That night I had a nightmare of a different sort. Given my thoughts prior to falling asleep it shouldn't be too surprising that they were about Gale. I was in this house, but instead of waking up to Peeta's blue eyes and fair skin there were Gale's grey eyes and olive skin. As I followed him downstairs instead of smelling fresh bread I smelled something burning and little parachutes were strewn across the kitchen and living room. As I walked towards a box I could hear children screaming and crying. As I knelt down to open it there were children burning as Gale pushed me away. As he pinned me down and began to force himself upon me I called out and Prim appeared. But quickly he shot her with a gun and dropped a parachute on her, her body immediately going up in flames as I listened to her screaming and cries mingled with the children. As I awoke, screaming for Prim's freedom, Peeta's arms came around me and kissed my cheeks that had been covered in tears.

"He killed her Peeta. He killed her," I said in desperation. Peeta quieted me down as I lay there shaking and sobbing. As he ran his hand up and down my back I couldn't help but picture Prim's last moments outside of Snow's house trying to help save the Capitol children.

A few days later Vick came to visit me at the market and I threw out my proposition to him. He nodded in excitement and asked when he could start. "Well, how about tomorrow?" I asked. The next morning he showed up at my front door and waited inside while Peeta and I got ready for the day. You could tell he felt uncomfortable but Peeta tried to make him feel at ease and invited him to eat breakfast with us. "No," he responded to the invitation, "I ate before I came. Thank you though." Given Vick's size though, you could tell that one breakfast wasn't necessarily enough for the teenaged boy. He looked just like Gale but was taller and broader. "Are you sure?" I asked. "We're going to be out there for the better part of the day and I'm not sure when we'll get a chance to stop and eat," I reminded him. He got up from the couch and sat in the chair closest to me. Peeta passed him some bread and jam to go on top and Vick ate silently, not raising his eyes towards Peeta, but quietly said thank you.

As we left I gave Peeta a kiss before we separated and Vick kept his eyes to the ground as he waited and then left towards the woods. As we began our work in the woods I realized that Vick was no Gale. His stealth skills rivaled Peeta's and while he was definitely able to hit a few rabbits, he was a little rusty on his shooting skills. "When was the last time you went hunting?" I asked. "Well, I've never actually been," he said reluctantly. "Oh?" "No. When we were in 13 I learned to shoot and practiced some. But that was about it," he continued sheepishly. I laughed and patted him on the back. "It's okay. You can learn. I'm surprised your brother never took you while you were there with him in 2," I said, regretting my final words as they escaped my mouth. He looked down and said, "Well, he was pretty busy. Plus he never really goes hunting anymore."

When we left the woods that afternoon Vick carried a deer I had shot over his shoulders while I carried the rabbits and squirrels we had gotten. We returned to my home where I began to show him how to clean the animals. He was a little squeamish at first but picked up pretty quickly. "Don't worry, Vick," I smiled, "you'll be as good as your brother was if not better." He blushed a little and smiled at the idea. As we finished the last few squirrels Vick began to warm up a little and talk with me.

"He asks about you, you know." He said, after a quiet moment. Caught off guard I yelped out an awkward, "oh?" "Yeah. When we moved back he asked us to keep an eye out for you to make sure nothing happened to you. You know, that no one hurt you or anything." I realized who my hinted at attacker might be and gripped my knife tightly until my knuckles turned white. How dare he think Peeta would do anything to me! As I continued to skin the squirrel I took a few more chunks of meat out than I intended and excused myself before I finished.

I went instead to let out a bit of frustration and came back outside to Vick who had finished the squirrel I sloppily butchered and Peeta. Peeta was trying to talk to Vick but Vick sat silently, nodding and staring at his shoes. When they noticed me Peeta gave me a shrug and quick peck on the cheek and said goodbye to Vick as he went inside. As I thanked Vick for his help that day and told him when to meet me at the market tomorrow I finished by trying to clarify some things. "Peeta is actually a good guy. He hasn't laid a finger on me since we've been back," okay, so maybe that was a lie, but it wasn't really Peeta doing it as much as the Capitol. "Besides, after today, don't you think I could defend myself from him?" I said with a fake chuckle and punch on Vick's shoulder. He returned a similar chuckle and nodded, excusing himself to go home.

The rest of the evening I replayed Vick's comment in my mind and grew more and more frustrated with Gale. How could he think Peeta would willingly hurt me? Peeta wouldn't willingly kill anyone in the games! It was the Capitol that had done this to him! But Gale willingly designed the bomb that killed Prim! As I grew more and more upset with him Peeta tried to console me. I didn't want to let him know what upset me though.

As I lay there in his arms that night I couldn't help but tear up a little. When Peeta noticed and asked what was wrong I brushed it off as being exhausted and not getting all of the game I wanted. But in reality, behind my eyes I couldn't help screaming in my head, "Damn you, Gale!" That night the nightmare returned.


	16. Chapter 16

The next morning I woke up with puffy eyes and absolutely no desire to get out of bed. As I laid on my stomach moaning and groaning about how early it was Peeta rubbed my bad and made promises of cinnamon rolls, eggs, pancakes and anything else he could think of as enticements to help me get out of bed. None of it worked. Eventually he gave up and went into the bathroom to get ready for the day. I closed my eyes again and woke up to Peeta kissing me on the cheek and reminding me that Vick would be over soon to go with me to the market. I winced at this reminder and dragged myself out of bed.

When I got downstairs I was greeted by silence as Vick sat uncomfortably at my table and Peeta tried to ask him what he liked on pancakes while he made a large stack of them. I gave Peeta quick peck on the cheek, hoping Vick would notice it, and sat down next to him asking how his evening had been. He didn't speak much but gave a few short answers. We ate in silence and finally when we got up to clean the dishes, Peeta's voice cut the air.

"How's your brother Gale doing?" he asked as I nearly dropped the dish I was scrubbing. What was he doing?

"Uh… He's.. He's okay. Thanks for asking." Vick responded, a bit surprised by the question. "Good, I'm glad to hear it. I never got to thank him for getting me out of the Capitol and keeping Katniss alive the whole time I was… out of it." You could tell the words were hard for Peeta to say, but he was sincere in his tone as well. "I'll let him know that, Mr. Mellark," Vick responded. We soon finished the dishes and Peeta was headed out the door after a quick kiss.

Vick and I packed up the meat and headed out towards the market. "Did he really mean that?" Vick asked. "Who, Peeta? Yeah. He's not a bad guy, you know. You might actually like him if you got to know him," I said defensively. I felt bad instantly. It wasn't Vick's fault that he felt that way about Peeta. My anger was really meant for Gale. How dare he let his own feelings ruin other peoples' opinions of Peeta! As I fumed as little to myself we entered the market and began setting up for the day. After getting set up we stood in silence waiting for customers to come by.

By the middle of the afternoon we had sold almost all of our meat and were cleaning up shop. Hazelle came by to see how things were going and to take a picture of Vick at work. "To send to Gale," she said with a smile. I awkwardly posed with her son and offered her some free meat. When Vick began cleaning himself off I told him he could leave his apron and to be at my house early the next morning. He quietly nodded and I pulled him aside before he left with his mother, "I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier. I am just defensive of Peeta. He really is a good guy though." He looked at me and nodded again. "I'll try to be nicer to him." I squeezed his arm and smiled before letting him leave.

That evening when Peeta came home he had a lot to share from the day. There were twenty new students for his baking class, most of which were teenaged girls, and four people asked about his art class, mostly little kids twelve-years-old and younger. I smiled at the idea and gave Peeta my sincerest congratulations. "How was your day?" he asked. "Was Vick more talkative than yesterday?" he continued with a chuckle in his voice. "Hardly," I answered with a bit of frustration in my voice. As I sat there thinking about the entire Vick/Gale situation I grew more frustrated and voiced it to hear Peeta's take.

"It really is pretty stupid how they're acting. It's like Gale's a 15-year-old girl gossiping about his competition so that no one else likes him. And Vick just believes it because it's coming from Gale who is apparently infallible in his family's eyes! His mom even came by to take a picture of me- well, us—at the market today to send to him. It's like they can't move past the fact that I will NOT be a part of their family!"

Peeta looked down with his eyebrows close together like he usually did when he was thinking of what to say so as not to set me off. "I'm not saying I agree with the idea that I'm a bad guy, but can you blame him Katniss? I nearly killed you before. He's just trying to be a friend. And yeah, he's probably still jealous, but…" I cut him off before he could continue. "Are you on his side then? Seriously? They all probably think you beat me up on a regular basis!" I huffed upstairs and slammed the bedroom door shut behind me.

I paced back and forth in our bedroom thinking about what Peeta said. How was Gale acting like a friend? Does a friend really lie about the person you care about? Does a friend leave without a word for more than two years? How is he being a friend at all? I lay down on the bed and curled up, pulling the blankets above my head as I continued questioning Gale's actions. A few hours later Peeta came up for bed. But instead of letting himself in like normal he knocked lightly on the door.

"Katniss, can I come in?" he said softly. I turned to him and nodded yes. He came in and sat down on the bed next to me. "I appreciate your frustration with him," he said with a faint smile. "Honestly, I do. I've never had as loyal of a friend as you. Shoot, you're angry enough for both of us," he laughed as he pushed my hair out of my face. "But don't take it out on his family," he said as he lay down beside me. "And Katniss," he continued, wrapping his arms around me, "don't take it out on him. He is acting like a friend should." I pouted wondering if he was able to read my mind. "He's making sure that no one hurts you. You would do the exact same thing if anyone you cared about was in the same situation." With that we kissed a little until we grew tired and kicked our shoes off, sleeping in our regular clothes.

The next morning we were awakened by the sound of knocking coming from our bedroom door. "I don't mean to interrupt anything," Haymitch started, "But there's a Hawthorne kid here and he said he was supposed to meet with you early this morning. He's been sitting on your porch for the last three hours until I came over to let the poor sucker in. It's freezing out there." I bolted out of bed and asked Haymitch what time it was as I ran downstairs. "Ten o'clock, sweetheart!" he yelled back.

As I arrived at the bottom of the stairs I saw Vick red-faced and shivering. "I'm so sorry!" I said. He shrugged and said it was okay. I quickly filled a kettle with water and set it on the stove. Peeta and Haymitch followed me shortly and Haymitch invited Peeta and me to dinner that night, "it's Sadie's birthday. I get to dress up as an elephant," he said with a disgusted look on his face. We laughed and said we would be there and he left.

Peeta pulled out a chair for Vick at the table and motioned for him to come sit down as he got up to make some eggs. "Vick," he started, "I understand your brother wants you to keep an eye on me and Katniss," he laughed. I was afraid of how this would go. "uh…." Vick answered. "I completely agree with him," Peeta said. "You're bigger than me and I know you could take me down in a second. Would you please keep Katniss safe?" I expected him to laugh at his own statement but he was dead serious. Where was this coming from? "Uh… sure, Mr. Mellark," Vick answered. "It's Peeta. I'm only three years older than you Vick, you don't need to call me Mister. My dad was Mr. Mellark," he said as he smiled and patted Vick on the shoulder. "I don't have flashbacks very often these days, but I'd feel safer knowing that if anything happened there would be someone in better condition than Haymitch to fight me off if necessary." We all laughed at the idea and for once Vick had a sincere smile on his face.

Vick was quiet the rest of the morning and because of the newly fallen snow, when we went into the woods our quest for meat wasn't carried too deeply into the woods. We ended the day with about a dozen rabbits, some squirrel, and a couple of birds. The rest of the day was spent with Vick practicing his shooting skills. If he was going to be my helper he needed to at least learn how to shoot better. As the day wore on he smiled a bit more and I felt more at ease around him. While I was still upset with his brother, Vick meant well. And I guess Gale did too. But the least I could do is be nice to kid I'd just hired.

At the end of our hunting and shooting practice we went home and skinned our meat, preparing it for the next day's market. When he came home, Peeta headed outside to the shed where we sat skinning the meat to see how we were doing. Vick voluntarily spoke up for once, discussing his practice shots. Peeta congratulated him on his improvement and acknowledged his lack of ability with pretty much any weapon. This made Vick laugh a little under his breath and we quickly finished our preparation. The air felt a little more at ease when Vick left and I told him when to be here the next morning- this time promising I would make him wait outside in the snow.

As Peeta and I got ready to head over to Haymitch's house I remembered what Peeta had said to Vick earlier. "Do you really want Vick to be my bodyguard?" I asked, throwing a pair of socks at him. "Yes," he laughed, dodging my poor throw. "I mean it, Katniss. I know you can defend yourself and that my attacks are less frequent and less intense. But they do still happen. I meant what I said. I would feel safer knowing there was someone else looking out for you." I felt his answer was a bit patronizing, and tried to understand where he was coming although it was a bit difficult. I'm not a child; I fought just as hard as anyone else in the rebellion.

As we went to Haymitch's and ate dinner with Sae, Sadie and the elephant Haymitch I thought of everything Peeta had said in the last day. Maybe Gale wasn't too far off. Both he and Peeta knew I could defend myself. But as a friend you make sure you look out for each other. Hadn't I planned Peeta's return from the Quarter Quell with Haymitch even if it meant I wouldn't return home? By the end of the evening I didn't hate Gale or resent Peeta's patronizing ways. They were looking out for me just like I had tried to look out for them.

That night as we climbed in bed Peeta held me close. "I hope I didn't come off like a condescending jerk earlier, Katniss. I know you can take care of yourself. Shoot, I know you could take me just as quickly as Vick could. I just-" I cut him off with a kiss before he could continue. "I understand, Peeta." And for once that day I really did.


	17. Chapter 17

Things went well with Vick from then on. While he never became a particularly talkative person he was more willing to talk with Peeta in the mornings and me while we were hunting or at the market. Before I knew it, the weather was warming up again. A year had passed since Sae had lived with Haymitch and I think he was cleaning up his act a little. While I don't think would ever become completely sober, he was drunk less often than usual and I think he's given up his tendency of sleeping with a knife in his hand. For the most part things were going well for Peeta and I with regards to both the bakery and my little venture with Vick. Our relationship wasn't too bad either. I still loved him and while he never really advanced our physical relationship, much to my chagrin, I loved our little relationship.

I would almost say life was perfect but it wasn't. Peeta still had attacks and while they were tamer for the most part, there were a few that caught me off guard, but nothing too serious happened. Peeta would turn inward for the next day or so, but I never felt like my life was in danger. Marks were never left so it's not like I had to explain anything to anyone anyway. My nightmares tamed down which was a relief. I still had them and when I did they were vivid and strong. But each time I woke screaming for Prim, Rue or anyone else I lost Peeta would kiss me softly and lull me back to sleep.

My birthday was coming up within the next month and I began to feel a bit of anxiety about turning 20. Whenever I spoke of it with Hazelle or Sae they would laugh and brush off my anxiety. I knew 20 was not old and I didn't feel like it was old, but for some reason it just felt weird turning 20. It meant I needed to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. But in all honesty, I felt like I was already 40 given what I had gone through. I didn't want to plan ahead because I had spent so much of my life doing that; between taking care of my mother and Prim following my father's death, and trying to survive the Games as well as the rebellion, I didn't want to plan in advance. All I wanted was to live each day and go day to day that way.

I'm not sure why men don't feel the same anxiety about turning older. When Peeta turned 20 a few months ago he was happy as usual. When I looked in the mirror this morning I wondered if I was seeing a grey hair or if the lighting was just off. When I asked Peeta to double check he simply laughed and kissed my head. I put my hair up in its typical braid and headed out to the market with Vick.

The day before in the woods had been especially good. Vick's aim had improved greatly and he hit a deer and a dozen pheasants. I hit a few dozen squirrels and rabbits, so between both of us we were going to make a pretty good profit that day. As we set up our display of meats Vick was particularly quiet. "What's up, Vick?" I asked, trying to coax him into making a comment. "Oh, not much," he mumbled softly. I shrugged it off and greeted our first customer of the day.

The day was pretty busy because, as we learned, there were a few important people from the Capitol coming for the opening of a new school, library, and technical training center plus they were also going to do some research on natural resources in the area to see what we could start producing besides medicines. Because of this several of the inns were stocking up on goods from the area to give the visitors a taste of District 12. This was something I liked about the new government. While there were definitely some of the "traditional" Capitol types, for the most part everyone in power came from the different districts and encouraged district pride. I smiled at these enthusiastic inn owners as they told me their plans for traditional 12 dishes and even asked a few for their favorite recipes. As Vick and I began cleaning up for the day I was trying to remember one of the particularly good recipe ideas an inn keeper had shared when a familiar voice called me from behind. "Hey there, Catnip."

I froze in front of the sink I was washing my hands off in, pretending I had not heard him. Realizing I couldn't stay frozen forever I slowly turned around to face him. "Hi Gale," I said cautiously. Vick was standing next to him, avoiding eye contact with me. "I didn't know you would be in town," I continued, shooting daggers at Vick with my eyes. Gale chuckled and held up his hands, "surprise!" Surprise indeed. He walked towards me with his arms open and pulled me into a tight hug. I stayed stiff but slowly put my arms around him. The awkwardness quickly melted and I hugged him back tighter. As well pulled away a warm feeling began to fill me as my coldness towards Gale melted away.

"So what are you doing in town?" I asked. "Well, they have me here doing some research. They're trying to see if there's a way to use coal for some… things." I began to wonder what things he was referring to but brushed it off. It was weird seeing him, but good at the same time. He looked pretty much the same as when I had seen him again. He was a little bigger since he was able to eat regularly and you could tell he was more muscular. But other than that he was still Gale.

As I walked with them to their mother's house we caught up with what he had been up to; mainly research. In his own words he was Beetee's "eyes and ears". Beetee didn't want to be treated often by the Capitol and his health was deteriorating as he spent long hours developing weapons and other safety "resources" for peacekeepers. As a result he didn't travel much and instead sent Gale to do the legwork. I began to excuse myself when we got to the front door but Hazelle dragged me inside. "For old time's sake," she said. I figured why not and went in. Besides, Peeta was teaching an art class that night, so he wouldn't be home until later.

Hazelle had made a feast in obvious celebration for Gale's return home. As we all ate I couldn't help but notice Gale staring at me. It felt a little uncomfortable, but I didn't think much of it. Ever since the Gale issue had come up before Peeta kept emphasizing the fact that I would act much the same way that Gale acted so I just tacked it up to that; I would stare too if I hadn't seen my friend in two years and they suddenly looked older. It felt good to be around a large family like this and for a while I remembered the few times before the Games when Prim and I had eaten dinner with the Hawthornes. We definitely never had as much to eat as this, but we still enjoyed the time we spent together. Before long the sun had set and I excused myself to head home. "Let me walk you home," Gale said.

As we began the walk home we made a few jokes back and forth. Mostly at each other's' expense, but also some of our old standards. It might have been because there was alcohol to drink at the Hawthorne's, but it felt good to be around my old friend. We got a few odd looks from people in town, but I didn't pay them any mind. It was good to have my friend back. As we stumbled up to my front door, laughing from a new joke Gale had heard concerning something called a water buffalo, Peeta opened the door.

We all stood at attention due to the surprise of seeing each other. Peeta stuck his hand out to Gale and gave a cordial hello while Gale tried not to laugh and extended his hand as well. I moved over to Peeta's side following which Peeta put his arm around me and pulled me in for a kiss on the cheek. "I was worried about you when you weren't home. The art class got cancelled because the kids are studying for tests tomorrow," he said in a concerned tone. I felt a little like I was being patronized again by Peeta and pulled away from him. "Well, no worries. I was with the Hawthornes for dinner. Gale walked me home, so don't worry, I was safe and protected," I answered sarcastically. I waved by to Gale who was trying not to smile at my remark and walked inside leaving Peeta to say farewell to our guest.

As he closed the door I couldn't contain my anger with him. "God, Peeta, you treat me like I'm a child! I didn't know you would be home already; you didn't tell me your class was cancelled. Am I supposed to just wait here for you every day?" I was really growing tired of the routine we'd fallen into. It was a bit too boring for me. Maybe not for Peeta, but going to eat with the Hawthornes every once in a while wasn't bad, was it?

"I'm not asking you to wait around for me, Katniss," Peeta said, walking up and rubbing my arms gently. "I just wish you'd called to let me know. I'm not your gatekeeper. I'd just like to know if your plans change so that I don't worry that something has happened. Sorry for worrying." I pulled away and stomped upstairs. Peeta was the one who told me to be nice to Gale again. What was his issue? That night I locked the door. And for the first time in more than a year I didn't share my bed with Peeta.

I dreamt of Prim that night. She was crying in her room. When I went down to find her the room was locked and smoke was seeping out form the cracks in the door. When I finally broke down the door she was huddled in a corner, on fire. "Why, Katniss?" She kept repeating as she looked at me. Although I fought to get to her I couldn't reach her. As I screamed for help to get to her, I awoke to the sound of someone pounding on the door behind me. I soon realized it was someone actually pounding on my bedroom door.

"Katniss? It's me, Peeta! Are you okay? Let me in, sweetheart." I opened the door and fell into Peeta's arms, sobbing over Prim. "I couldn't get to her Peeta." "It's okay, Katniss," he said as he carried me back to bed and wrapped his arms around me. "It's okay. It was only a dream."

When I woke the next morning the sun was high in the sky and Peeta was asleep next to me. I could tell he hadn't slept much the night before because the circles under his eyes were dark. As I stirred in the bed he began to wake up and smile at me. "Are you okay?" he asked softly, his voice cracking a little. "Yeah, I'm okay." He smiled again and ran his fingers through my disheveled hair. "Do you want breakfast?" he asked. I shook my head no and said I needed to get out to the woods. "Are you going out with Vick? I thought you guys didn't go out on weekends." He said in a sleepy state of confusion. "No, I just need to think, Peeta," I responded as I kissed him softly and climbed out of bed. "I won't be long. You need to get some sleep though," I said as I closed our bedroom door.

As I wandered to the woods I thought of everything that had happened yesterday between Gale and me and Peeta and me. With the alcohol out of my system I realized what an idiot I had been towards Peeta. He wasn't being possessive, I was just being a jerk. I stopped and sat down as I continued to think about Peeta and Gale. One filled me with a quiet peace. The other made me excited and confused. I knew I loved Peeta. There was no doubt about it. Not only had he gone through so much with me, but he had fought hard to battle his flashbacks so that he could be with me without fear of hurting me. His patience and steadfast devotion to me baffled me when I considered how obstinate I had been. I didn't even care to fulfill his dream of having children and yet with that understanding he still lay beside me each night and calmed me down when I had vicious nightmares. What had Gale done other than retreat to 2?

As I sat there thinking of these two men, the feelings I had when I thought of Gale quickly began to make my stomach turn whereas the calm feeling I had about Peeta quickly warmed me from the inside out and I lay down thinking of my beautiful blonde baker. When I opened my eyes again it was after someone had kicked me with their shoe. "Hey! Catnip! Did you fall asleep daydreaming?" he laughed at the idea and sat down next to me on the cliff we used to share. I sat up surprised and asked him what time it was. "Eh, about 1. How long have you been out here?" Luckily I had only been asleep for 20 minutes but I stood up to walk away. Being here with Gale now suddenly made me feel ill.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you going?" he asked as he pulled my arm, trying to stop me. "I just wanted to talk. That's all," he said, holding his hands up in surrender. I sat back down on the rock and pulled my knees into my chest, silently waiting for him to begin the conversation.

"So, how are things with you and the baker?" he asked with a slight laugh in his tone. "Fine," I answered quickly, suddenly remembering my frustration with him over what he had told his family. "Actually, we're doing pretty well Gale. I'm sure that's a surprise to you. And no, he hasn't laid a finger on me, for your information," I snapped defensively. His smile faded as he shot back, "I never said he had. But who knows if he would do it again Katniss." "Gale, I think I can take care of myself. I don't need you, or your brother, or even Haymitch for that matter, to watch out for me. I didn't just fine on my own for how long?" "Yeah, after I helped you learn a few things," he shot back under his breath. "Katniss, you're being so selfish. I'm just trying to look out for you! Can you blame me? After I saw what he did to you before do you think I would risk letting it happen again?" His voice softened at the last sentence and he touched my arm softly. I froze in place not knowing what to do next.

"Katniss, you can be upset with me if you want. But you know how I feel. I'll always feel that way about you. Nothing's going to change that. Not you hating me for Prim's death or Peeta sleeping with you, or anything else. Nothing," he said firmly, staring into my eyes. I chuckled a little to myself at the end of his monologue. Peeta and I didn't "sleep" together. I mean, sure we shared a bed. But he hadn't even gotten to second base. Gale looked at me with a confused look as I began to laugh to myself so I simply vocalized my thoughts.

"Gale, it's true, I still struggle with my feelings towards you because of what happened with Prim. And I can even understand where you're coming from, trying to defend me from Peeta's attacks. Shoot, I would have done the same thing if you were in my shoes. But Gale, Peeta and I don't "sleep" together. He hasn't even pressed me to get to second base." And I laughed again. At this Gale's face lightened a bit and he laughed a little too. "You mean, you haven't… You know…" "No Gale, there hasn't been sex. Unfortunately." I cut him off before he continued. We laughed a little more and gradually quieted down. When the shadows from the trees began to grow a little larger I knew I needed to head back home. I wanted to see Peeta.

As we stood up Gale pulled me in for a hug and I didn't fight it. I felt we had finally settled some unfinished business. As we stood there hugging, Gale leaned down and whispered into my ear, "You know, I would be more than happy to explore those additional bases with you." As I pulled away in disgust he winked and I hit him in the arm as hard as I could. "God Gale, you're so immature. Grow up!"


	18. Chapter 18

As I walked through the door I was greeted by the sight of a flour and paint covered Peeta. When I am stressed I go to the woods. When Peeta is stressed he paints or bakes. Apparently it had been a rough day for him. I couldn't help but smile at seeing him and feel a little guilty that for a moment I had considered anything with Gale. I snuck up and gave him a hug from behind, catching him off guard since he was listening to music loudly and singing along, horribly off-tune.

As a surprised look spread across his face I took his face in my hands and pulled him down for a kiss. "Why thank you, Miss Everdeen!" He said. He went to turn the music off and came back to me, putting his arms around my waist and pulling me in for another kiss. "Peeta, I'm sorry fo-" I started, but was cut off when Peeta put his finger on my lips, shushing me and kissing me again. "You know you don't need to explain," he said, pulling me in again for a tight hug. And I didn't. The amazing thing about Peeta is that there were times when I didn't need to explain. He knew I flew off the handle more than I should. And yet he also knew when to let it be and when to confront the issue. The longer I was with Peeta the more I felt incredibly lucky to have his love in the first place.

As we eventually separated and began discussing our day Peeta's voice perked up a little when he brought up a new subject. "I got a phone call today," he said, egging me onto ask who it was. "Oh yeah? From who?" "Your mom!" He said dramatically and jokingly. "Peeta, I told you, that's still a lame joke," I answered nonchalantly. "No, really," he said in a much more sedate voice, "your mother called."

I hadn't heard from my mother in almost a year. It's not that we didn't get along, but I never really had a mother-daughter bond with her. I didn't harbor any resentment towards her like I used to, I really just had pity on her. She had lost her husband, a daughter, and her home. So instead of facing more difficulty she lost herself in her work; in establishing hospitals around Panem and training doctors.

"Oh? What did she say?" I asked. "She's coming to town for your birthday." "Oh. Okay." I said pretending like it was nothing. Why was she coming? I told Peeta I didn't want this to be anything big. "I didn't invite her," he said. "I wouldn't discourage her from coming. I mean, you haven't seen her since…" "I know, Peeta. It just caught me off guard," I admitted. "If you want I can call her and make up an excuse for her not to come," Peeta volunteered. I shook my head no and said to leave it as be as I tried to help him with his latest recipe.

"So what are you making anyway, Peeta?" I asked as I looked around at a mixture of ingredients I wasn't familiar with. "I'm just experimenting. Some of the herbs we planted were ready to picked so I thought I'd experiment with my regular cheese bun recipe." "What? That's ludicrous!" I said, playfully throwing some flour at him. And thus began our half-hearted attempt at a flour fight. We were both were a bit drained from the lack of sleep and emotions from the past day and quickly tripped over each other and the flour, winding up in a heap on the kitchen floor. "Oh Katniss Everdeen. What ever am I going to do with you?" He asked exasperatingly as I took my final blow, smashing some butter in his hair. He pulled me up from our mess and banished me upstairs to shower while he cleaned up down here.

That night we brought over some of Peeta's creations to Haymitch's. We found him passed out on the couch and Sadie was playing with a doll by his feet. Sae was making dinner and began complaining to us about Haymitch's drinking. "I'm not a drunk, woman!" Haymitch yelled to Peeta and my surprise. Sae was unfazed. "Yes indeed you are!" She yelled across the kitchen. He let out a loud harrumph and settled back into his position on the couch. Peeta and I excused ourselves and went back home to laugh at the latest installment of the Sae/Haymitch saga.

We made up for our lack of kisses that night and spent our fair share of time tucked under the sheets of our bed. As we grew tired and I lay my head on Peeta's chest I lost my inhibition, asking Peeta a question that had been lingering on my mind. "Peeta, why haven't we had sex yet?" The question clearly caught him off guard as he began coughing violently, finally sitting up and taking a sip of the water on the table by the bed. I sat up next to him, leaning against the headboard and repeated my question. "Why? What makes you ask, Katniss?" "I asked you first Peeta." Exasperated he quickly shot out, "I don't know. Because we haven't. Why? Does it bother you?" A bit defensively I answered, "Well yeah, it does. And 'because' is not an answer. Come on Peeta, we're both adults. I've been on the pill since the Capitol made me start with the first Games, so it's not like I'd get pregnant. Don't you want to? Don't you ever get tired of just making out?" I ask, scooting next to him and trying to put on my seductive voice. "Don't you ever want to just… you know… do it?" I whisper in his voice. You could see his body tingle at the closeness of my body and sound of my voice.

He grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me back down on the bed, his body hovering over mine, as he stared into my eyes in a hungry manner while I smiled back at him. "Every day, Katniss," he began, lowering his body a little. "Every single day when I know you're lying next to me. When I feel your lips against mine. When I watch you braid your hair." He kisses my lips and pulls back up again. "Every day I would love to make love to you." He says as he rests half of his body on mine, propping himself up on an elbow and pushing some stray hairs out of my face. "But I won't." he said softly, and I let out a moan of desperation. "Why Peeta?" He kissed me again and propped himself up on his shoulder again. "Because you're worth more to me than that." "But Peeta, I love you and you love me! That's the ultimate expression of love!" He rolled onto his back and I propped myself up on my elbow facing him.

"Katniss, for me, it's more than just that. I don't know, I guess I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy. There are so few things that are special like that anymore. That's something I want to give to you and you only. It is something incredibly special and there is so much emotion attached to it for me, I want to give it to you when we're both ready to take that next step." And with that he wriggled from under my body and pulled me into his arms. "Katniss, you have no idea how badly I want you every moment I'm awake. You have no idea the effect you have on me. But you're worth more than just some sex-fueled thoughts I have throughout the day." And with that he kissed me deeply and pulled me into our regular sleeping position. I was frustrated with his antiquated ideas. What next step was he even talking about? Marriage? I'm not even 20 yet! I went to sleep confused and frustrated.

My nightmare that night was very different than the ones I have had before. I was in a bed with Gale and we were exploring _every_ single base Peeta hadn't covered yet. It felt amazing all over my body and I begged him to continue. As it progressed, Gale grew more aggressive and then abusive until he was forcing himself inside of me as I screamed for Peeta's help. When Gale was done he left the room laughing. I woke up in the middle of the night with Peeta staring at me with his eyes wide open. Even though it was a warm night I was freezing cold and sweating at the same time. I felt guilty lying in Peeta's arms even though it had only been a dream.

The week before my birthday flew by. Gale was still in town and while I felt uncomfortable around him following my dream, we were on speaking terms, so I invited him and his entire family to the house for my birthday dinner. I turned the market over to Vick that week as I spent my time cleaning up the house in preparation for my mother's arrival. When we were at home, Peeta kept hinting at an amazing birthday gift that he got me and how it was going to change my life. I blew this off to typical Peeta teasing and continued mentally preparing myself for whatever it might be. I was still thinking about what Peeta had said earlier in the week and was afraid of getting married when I was 20. The day before my birthday I went in to town to get a few little things to decorate the house and decided to stop in to see Zenobia. Maybe a bit of retail therapy would help with my strange feelings.

"Zenobia, I've come for you to work your magic," I said somewhat sarcastically. "My demise is imminent and I want to go out in style," I said as melodramatically as I could. "What on earth are you talking about, Katniss?" she said with some concern. "Zenobia, I am about to take to my grave. For tomorrow, I turn 20." She laughed at me and threw a shoe in my direction. "I wish turning 20 was my only concern," she said, laughing to herself.

"Well, it's that plus… Well… I think Peeta…" Her entire body perked up as I started this. "I think Peeta might be proposing," I said, not believing the words as they came out of my mouth. Zenobia gasped in giddy excitement as I shrunk from the attention. "This is so exciting!" she squealed. I hated it when girls squeled. I hated it when they giggled too. "You're a human being, not a pig or a mouse. Make human noises!" I thought to myself as I rolled my eyes. "Katniss, we need to find you the perfect dress. This is a special occasion! Ahhhh... Young love," she sighed as she began wandering around the store, looking through the different racks of clothes. As I stood there with my bags of other purchases I sat down near the register and began trying on random sunglasses and hats on display. They all looked ridiculous.

"Here we go," she said as she held up a dress that looked like it could have been created by Cinna. It was knee length and made of several layers of a thin, white fabric that came in around my chest with a series of gold cords crossing around my breasts. The short sleeves hung open and it reminded me of pictures I had seen in school of ancient Greeks. I tried it on and had to nod to myself that it looked good. I didn't want to admit it, but I came out to show it to Zenobia who squealed, again, and clapped her hands. "And we'll put these on your feet," she said as she put a pair of brown leather sandals with metal clasps on my feet. I felt a bit ridiculous and suggested one of the large floppy hats I had tried on but Zenobia brushed it aside, "no, it would compete with the dress," she said, missing the sarcastic tone in my voice. As I stood there while she analyzed my look she slowly came back to reality. "Do you want it?" she asked as I turned back to face the mirror in the room I changed in. I was surprised that while I felt like an idiot I did not look one. "Sure," I said before I could stop myself.

"But you don't think it will be aggressive if I wear white?" I asked. "Honey, he's going to be so busy checking you out, the white will be a good reminder of what he wants to ask you," she said matter-of-factly. As I turned to leave she gave me a hug. "Katniss, honey, I really am happy for you both. All girliness aside, you both make one incredible match."

I walked home to find Peeta at home instead of the bakery as usual for the time of the day. "What are you doing home?" I asked. "Your mom gets in soon and I wanted to look presentable when we went to get her." He answered, running up the stairs. "What's in the bag?" he called out as I heard him changing with the door open. "Nothing. Just something to wear tomorrow." "Yeah? What does it look like?" He asked, trying to take a peek in the opaque bag. My coy side got the best of me, "If you have surprises for tomorrow then I get to have some too," I answered as I pushed him aside and brought the bag upstairs.

The rest of the day I couldn't help but feel a bit anxious. My mother was coming in and I hadn't seen here in more than two years and tomorrow Peeta was going to propose. My nerves abated a bit when I saw my mom. We gave each other a quick, awkward hug, but things gradually thawed when Peeta began an active conversation with my mom on the way home from the train station. He really has an ease of making people feel comfortable. When we got home he carried my mom's things upstairs and I helped her put things away in her old bedroom. "So how are thing?" She asked with a bit of trepidation. "Fine. Things are fine," I said a little nervously not know what she was getting at. "How's Peeta? You know, with the whole… flashback thing." "Oh! Gosh, no, he's fine. He gets them every once in a while but he hasn't hurt me since that time in 13. Don't worry, mom," I shook my head vehemently. She nodded in acceptance and we finished putting away her things.

"So he stays here with you?" She asked carefully. "Yeah, he's lived here for more than a year." "Are you on the pill still?" She asked. "oh gosh, mom!" my face turned red at what my mom was hinting at. Despite my desire to go there with Peeta, he was an annoying gentleman waiting to have sex. "Yes, I am but… No, _that_ isn't a worry." I said firmly. We walked downstairs and saw a note from Peeta on the table along with some tea and muffins. _I needed to go into town to get a few things for tomorrow. I'll be back in a few hours. –Peeta_

We sat down awkwardly and began eating and drinking in silence. After a few awkward minutes my mom decided to break the silence. "I'm sorry I haven't been here. It's just too hard for me," she said, looking down. Immediately my heart went out to her and I put a hand on hers. "Mom, it's okay, don't worry." She began sobbing and I sat there in silence looking at her. "I'm so sorry Katniss. I've never been a good mother to you. Not when your father died and not even now. It shouldn't have taken me two years to come see you." I sat there silent for a while until I could think of a good response.

"It's okay Mom. If you hadn't drifted away then," I tried to put the words delicately, "I wouldn't have needed to learn how to survive. Could you imagine how quickly I wouldn't have been killed in the arena if I hadn't had those skills in the first place?" I had thought of this multiple times before but never vocalized them to anyone because I thought it would sound ludicrous. "And I understand that you haven't come here yet. Plus it's not exactly like I can leave any time soon." Which was true. I was exiled to 12 and only had the potential of a reprieve 10 years after my trial- we were only in the middle of year two. "Besides, I haven't been alone," I said, hinting at the people in the area who looked out for me like Haymitch, Sae, Hazelle, Vick, and Peeta. She nodded and patted my hand as she wiped her eyes.

As we sat there I realized I didn't hold anything against her anymore. There was no point to. What had happened, happened. We sat there in silence holding hands for a while before the tea stopped steaming and turned cold. Eventually we finished our tea and sat there in silence. "Mom, I'd like to show you something Peeta and I have made," I said as I went to the bookshelf to grab the book of our memories. As I placed it in front of her she began to weep at a picture of Prim Peeta had painted. "This is beautiful," she said as she ran her hand across the cover. As she flipped through the book she held her hand over her mouth as she looked at Peeta's amazing drawings and read our stories. I sat there looking at her reactions for each of the people.

For some of them she filled in details that we may not have known. "You know, his mother was a bitter woman. She couldn't help it. Her father ran a store in town and lost all of his money when he began drinking. She had to go to work when she was quite young to help take care of her family and once she was past the age of reaping she left. She married Mr. Mellark for his money when she was quite young and I think she resented it. Everyone knew there wasn't much love in their marriage. They married in a rush because she ended up pregnant and gossipy people continued to say that Mr. Mellark still loved me for whatever reason. I think she let it get to her. She just had a hard life and she let it turn her bitter against everyone." For once I felt pity for Peeta's mother as well. While I would never forget how she treated me when I begged outside of her door, I felt pity for this woman who had so little love in her life.

As we finished going through the book Peeta came back with his arms full of bags and a few boxes. He smiled as he kicked the door closed behind him with his prosthetic leg and hobbled forward carefully, trying not to drop anything. When he saw what my mom was looking at he tried to be as quiet as possible putting the items away. He dropped a bag and a small box fell out which he quickly bent down to grab and shoved in his pocket. I quickly looked away so he couldn't tell I had seen it happen.

That evening the three of us made a dinner together. My cooking had improved some since my horrible experimentations on Haymitch. Between Sae and Peeta's efforts I learned a few things so that I could cook a few simple things. My mom seemed pleasantly surprised and helped show Peeta and I a few of the dishes I enjoyed when I was a young girl; a seasoned rabbit dish and another of carrots in a delicious, sweet sauce. Peeta finished it off with some of his new cheese buns and I felt like a very spoiled person by the time we sat down to eat. By the time dinner was finished and we had cleaned up the mess we had made, it was late. My mother excused herself to go to bed and for the first time in a while it felt very natural to give her a hug. Peeta and I followed her upstairs not too long after headed to bed.

As we lay there after a brief make out session, Peeta began talking about tomorrow as he ran his fingers through my hair. I had grown tired and wasn't paying much attention which he eventually picked up on. So with that he pulled the blankets up closer on me and kissed me on the forehead lightly. "You need to get some sleep. You've got a big day ahead of you," he smiled as I gradually fell asleep.


	19. Chapter 19

I woke up the morning of my birthday with a terrible headache. Peeta let me sleep in and said that he would be back up when breakfast was ready. However, once he closed the door I couldn't fall asleep again. I was thinking about the day and thinking about the people I missed who wouldn't be there. I thought of Prim and how I had ultimately failed in protecting her and my stomach sank. I thought of Finnick who was eaten alive by the vicious mutts of the Capitol and how his son would never know his father and my stomach began to turn in knots. I thought of Cinna who was beaten senseless before my eyes and I began crying. As I continued thinking of the people I had failed my body turned against me and I leapt out of my bed and to the bathroom. I crouched over the toilet and emptied everything that was in me. As I sat down wiping my mouth, I rested my head on the covered seat and wept.

Depression came suddenly for me and often unannounced. It had happened a few times since I had been home. Often it simply involved me lying in bed for several hours while Peeta held me. Once it involved me sitting in Prim's closet while I clutched onto some of her remaining clothes, sobbing for her until my eyes were bloodshot and swollen. After, I would often wonder if Dr. Aurelius's diagnosis of me as a lunatic wasn't too far off. As much as I tried to forget, I knew, in my mind, that I was the one responsible for the lives lost. If I hadn't been so headstrong and obvious in my disdain for the Capitol, would this have happened? If I had just let one of the Careers kill me in the arena, none of this would be an issue. I sat there crying and playing out what would have happened if I had just let the Careers kill me. Today was worse than other times since I'd been home. As I sat there wishing I could recant the past, I heard a soft knock on the door.

"Katniss, are you okay?" Peeta asked. "Yeah, I just don't feel too well," I said, trying to quiet down on my crying. "Are you sure?" he asked. "Yes, Peeta, I'm fine. Please. Just leave me alone." I answered sharply. There was silence outside of the door and a few moments later I heard his heavy steps leave the bedroom. I felt bad for Peeta. I didn't want anyone to have to coddle me like a child and yet here I was, relying on him again to get me through life. Maybe not every day, but often enough. He deserved better than the broken mess that I was. I began crying again, pitying Peeta and his unfortunate love for me. I loved him as well, that is certain. But just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be together. As I sat there crying I heard a quick set of knocks again at the door.

"Katniss, it's me, Mom. Let me in." She sounded firm, but kind, in her request. I sat there debating opening the door or not. I had seen her in her catatonic state after my father died; it would only be fair if she saw me like this. But it wasn't the same. I didn't want her to see me weak like this. Before I could tell her to go away she opened the door. Holding a butter knife in one hand and the door knob in the other I couldn't help but give her a puzzled look. "I had to get in somehow," she said reluctantly with a faint smile. I laid my head down on the seat again and told her to leave; that I was okay. Her response was almost clinical, but appropriate as well.

"Up, up, up," she said, struggling to pull me up from my seated position. I reluctantly moved, sitting on the toilet this time as she knelt in front of me. "Katniss, this is no way to act right now." "But Mom, I wish I was dead. If I had died, Prim would still be here. You could be happier. Everyone could be happier." Her eyes turned darker as she cut me off, "Katniss, I wouldn't be any happier than I am today. Do I miss your sister? Every day. But wishing she was here doesn't make it any easier. I would give every day of the rest of my life to be with your father for one hour, but he's not coming back. And neither is anyone else. Trust me from my own experience. Living in the past and wishing will not make it better. It won't make it easier. It simply robs you of the life in front of you. " I hung my head and continued crying, as my mother put an arm around my shoulder and let me cry. In the years since my father passed away this is the most motherly she has ever been. While I know some of it was simply her professional way of treating people, I felt like some of the care behind her actions was for me. I guess that's something Prim got from her. She was able to be removed from the situation and yet caring. The thought of Prim made me cry harder and I sat there crying for a while.

After what felt like hours my tears began to dry up and my mother pulled my hair back and patted my back saying, "Now come on. It's your birthday. This is no way to spend it." I stood on shaky legs and faced myself in the mirror. I looked awful. But my mother coaxed me into getting out of my clothes and taking a shower. After she left the room I climbed into the shower and turned the water on as hot as I could stand. I stood there under the shower for a good hour, slowly washing my body and scrubbing my hair. The knots in my stomach were still there but the crying stopped. I simply felt numb as I usually did when I was going through my bouts of depression.

I turned off the water and stood there with a towel pressed against my face. The tears started again and I crouched down in the tub, crying over everything. Over Prim. Over wishing I was dead. Over Peeta. My mother opened the door and quietly let herself in. It had been a while since she had seen me, naked but I didn't care anymore. She gradually got me to stand up and dried me off. I stopped crying but didn't care to move much so she began to comb my hair. I slowly came out of my crying stupor and put my hand on hers. She squeezed it and I couldn't help but feel grateful that she was here for this instead of Peeta. She helped me get dressed and asked me what I wanted to wear for the day. By that time I was almost out of my emotional fog and I looked out the window. It was mid-afternoon to be sure. I indicated where my new dress was and she pulled it out of its bag. As she helped me into it, she smiled.

We sat down on the bed because I was exhausted by this point and I quickly came back to my regular mindset. My headache came back and I lay down on the bed with my wet hair. "You rest some more. I'm going to go help Peeta," she said as she excused herself from the room. By that point I doubt I had any tears left in me so I lay there with my knees pulled up to my chest, hugging Peeta's pillow, thinking about everyone. I eventually fell asleep. My dream was not much worse than being awake had been. No one attacked me, but I was faced with the dead bodies of those I loved. I couldn't react though. I simply cried, begging for their forgiveness. But they shook their heads solemnly, and I was stuck with the fact that I couldn't be forgiven. I awoke a few hours later when Peeta knocked on the door.

"Are you okay, Katniss?" I mumbled yes and he opened the door slightly, whispering through the crack, "Whenever you want to come down, come down. People will be here soon, but if you want I can tell them it's cancelled." "No, no, I'll be down in a little bit." I said, slowly waking up. I began to move my legs slowly and eventually pushed myself up to a seated position on the side of the bed. It was close to sunset and I stood up, slowly walking towards to bathroom. My hair had mostly dried so I loosely pulled it back, not feeling energetic enough to put it into a braid. I finished getting ready and headed downstairs.

When I arrived on the bottom floor I looked around as the kitchen was abuzz. My mother was fixing some items on a plate and carrying it outside while Sae was finishing something on the stove. Haymitch was carrying several bottle outside and Sadie was playing on the ground. None of them seemed to notice me and I stood there, thinking about what my mother had said. I slowly got a smile on my face and enjoyed the scene. Before long there was a quick set of knocks on the front door and before anyone else could I said I would get it.

I walked to the door and opened it; Gale and his family were there, his mother holding a covered plate with food. I stood there, still a little out of it, as they all came through the door hugging me and wishing me a happy birthday. I smiled back at each of them as they walked by until Gale came and picked me up, giving me a tight hug. As he held me there in the tight hug I suddenly came to and hugged him back tightly. I softly began crying again, but this time not because I was sad. I was still sad for the people who wouldn't be there, but I was crying because I was grateful for those who would be there. Gale set me down on the ground but continued hugging me, rubbing my back and I continued crying for a few moments. When I stopped he looked down at me and pulled my face up to meet his. There was some pain in his eyes, but he gave a soft smile and said, "Happy birthday, Catnip." I smiled half-heartedly and turned, once he did, to notice Peeta standing there.

I smiled at him and Peeta put his hand out to shake Gale's. There was some rigidity, but Peeta gave Gale a faint smile and welcomed him to the party. As Gale headed outside, following the rest of our group Peeta pulled me in for a tight hug. I cried a little more but was stopped as he began wiping away my tears. "It's okay," he said softly. He pulled away to get a look at me and said, "Well, I don't know who's getting a better birthday treat today; you or me! You look beautiful, Miss Everdeen." I smiled and gave a small laugh as I brushed my hand across my hair. Some of it had come out from the bun but I didn't care to fix it.

Peeta took my hand and led me outside. In the area we had fenced off for the garden and our backyard, Peeta had set up a few long tables along with some chairs. There was a white tablecloth as well as a few glasses with flowers and a string of lights, strung along the top of the fence. I smiled at the sight and squeezed Peeta's hand as he led me to the table where everyone was seated. As we ate most at the table were making jokes and laughing. Haymitch had snuck in a few bottles of alcohol and, while he was the major consumer, most of the others took a few sips of his strong drink. Peeta and I refrained though. I looked around as I ate slowly and noticed that for the most part everyone was enjoying themselves. The food was delicious, although I didn't have much of an appetite, and the company was pleasant. Gale ate silently, staring in my direction for the most part, and Peeta simply smiled and participated whenever a joke came his way, but he would stop every once in a while to reach over and squeeze my hand.

As the meal died down the jokes began to die down. "What about a cake?" Rory threw out. "Ah, yes, the cake!" Peeta said, smiling largely. He stood up and went inside. As we sat there Hazelle and my mother commented on how great the meal was and how good a job Peeta had done. Gale, after taking another large sip of his drink, let out a bitter laugh at their comment. I couldn't help but resent him being here at that moment. As Peeta came out again, he was carrying a small, tiered cake that was topped with candles. As he set it before me he began singing a birthday song traditional in District 12 and everyone else joined in. As they finished I blew out my candles and inspected the cake. Peeta had created another masterpiece. On it he had painted water lilies, katniss flowers, and other water plants. As he bent down to give me a kiss on the top of my head, I felt a certain peace spread over me that hadn't been there the rest of the day. I looked up at him and gave a genuine smile, mouthing my thanks for his creation.

Sae began cutting the cake and Sadie helped her hand out the slices. It had a citrus flavor to it that was delicious. Peeta winked as I looked at him and I couldn't help but blush a little. Like always, Peeta was there when I came out of my depressed stupor. He wasn't upset or exhausted by my emotional instability; he was there, silently waiting for me to resurface again. As people finished eating their cake Peeta stood up and cleared his throat. I suddenly remembered the impending engagement and my thoughts began to sound so loudly in my head that I wasn't paying attention to him. Eventually he stopped and as silence took over, I looked around to see everyone looking at me, smiling. I quickly noticed they all had a glass raised and were toasting me. I smiled and nodded as they finished their toast and Peeta sat down. Quickly the thoughts began to run through my head; he hadn't proposed! I thought he was going to! What was the little box from yesterday? Was today the day that broke the camel's back and he decided he didn't want me anymore?

As we sat there I tried not to let any of my thoughts show on my face. After a few hours Sadie had fallen asleep on Haymitch's lap and Sae excused them to go home. Posy had eaten more than her share of cake and was beginning to run circles around the yard and so Hazelle excused herself and Posy to head home. My mother and Rory began taking things inside while Vick and Gale began to take down the lights. Peeta began bringing chairs inside as I eventually moved and sat on a chair we normally left outside. As I sat there I zoned out a bit, thinking about Peeta's proposal. Was I even ready for it? As I sat there thinking I felt a slight nudge on my arm.

"Catnip, we're heading home," Gale said. I stood up and walked with him and his brothers to the front door. As his brothers began walking down the street Gale stayed behind. He gave me a hug that I returned and we stood there hugging for a moment. "Katniss," he sighed. "I wish I could have been the one to do this for you. Try as he might, he'll never deserve you. I just wish you would give me a chance." At this comment I pulled away. I had made my point clear to him before. It wasn't going to happen. "Well, sorry Gale," was all I said as I shot him my dirtiest look at stuck my hand out for him to shake. He looked a bit crestfallen, but I didn't want to lead him on.

As I walked inside I was greeted by Peeta and my mother who were laughing and finishing the dishes. I sat down on a chair near them and listened as Peeta told his same jokes and smiled as my mom enjoyed them for the first time. Eventually they finished and she came up and rested her hand on my shoulder. I rested my hand on hers and squeezed it as she bent down to kiss the top of my head. She excused herself to go to bed and Peeta pulled up a chair next to me. He scooted it as closely as it would go and put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me in towards him. I sat there silently as he rubbed my arm and began telling me all of the things he loved about me. "You're strong, you're resourceful, you have a good heart and you're an amazing kisser." He laughed as he continued the list, throwing in a few strange reasons to love a person. "Because I know how to skin a squirrel in less than five minutes?" I shot out, taken aback by one of his items. "Of course," he responded. "Could you imagine me trying to skin a squirrel? Much less in five minutes? We'd be lucky if we had any meat." I pushed him away but he pulled me back quickly. He looked down at me and took my chin in his hand, angling my face towards his as he kissed me softly on the lips. We stayed locked in this position until my mom came downstairs and cleared her throat. "Sorry," she began, "I just wanted to get a glass of water.

That night as we lay in bed Peeta pulled me in closely and nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck, continuing his list of reasons why he loved me. I didn't have any nightmares that night. Just a simple, peaceful sleep.


	20. Chapter 20

A week had gone by and my mother left to head back to District 4. When she left I felt a little tug at my heart, but not incredibly so. Our relationship didn't change drastically in the week and a half she was in town, but we did get a better understanding of each other. I learned that she was living with Annie and Finn, although she traveled around most of the time and wasn't there very often. We spoke some of Prim which was difficult, to say the least, but I knew it helped my mother heal a little. I suppose talking about the personal side of her helped her feel like she really had existed instead of her simply being a memory others couldn't share.

As I walked inside the house after her dropping her off it was still late afternoon and Peeta wouldn't be home for a few hours because he was teaching a class that night. I changed into some comfortable clothes and thought I would head down to the bakery to see what was going on. As I walked neared the bakery I heard footsteps nearing me.

"Katniss, wait up!" Gale yelled. I shut my eyes pretending I hadn't heard him, but it was no use, he had caught up with me. I had avoided him since my birthday. I didn't want to deal with him if he was going to act the way he had that night. As I opened my eyes I looked towards him, trying to hide my frustration behind a thin smile. He noticed it though. "Well don't look _too_ happy, Catnip," he sighed. I lowered my smile and tried to give him a genuine one. "Sorry," I said half-heartedly. "Well, I was going to say that I'm leaving tomorrow. I've been trying to tell you these last few days but you were never available, conveniently," he said with a hint of bitterness. "Well sorry, my mom was in town. I hadn't seen her in more than two years." I said defensively. "You haven't seen me in more than two years either, you know," he shot out. I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

"Look Katniss, I know you're still holding Prim's death against me and as much as I can try to tell you I didn't know about it, I know you won't believe me," he said, stepping closer and grabbing me by my shoulders as looked away from him. "But you've got to believe me when I tell you I need you just as much as he does," he said, nodding towards the bakery, "if not more so." I tried to break free from his grip, but he was stronger than I was. I looked up at him and tilted my head to the side, giving him my most disdainful look. "You won't admit it, but you know it's true!" he continued. "Just give me a chance. I can love you more than anyone ever could. Even more than he could, if you let me! We're made from the same fabric, Katniss. I want to give you everything. I don't care what I have to do to prove to you I would have never hurt her. I would never hurt you," he said as he rested his forehead on mine. I couldn't answer; partly because I was too upset to give an answer, but also because my insides were turning. Before I could push away from his softened grip he pulled me in closely and kissed me longingly. Right there in the middle of the street. I pried myself from his grip and slapped him so hardly that my own hand stung.

"How dare you come here after two years and act like nothing happened! I don't care if you weren't involved in Prim's death. You had the choice to come back in those two years, but you didn't. It's never going to happen, Gale. Ever." I said and tears began to come to my eyes. I turned to the bakery to see Daigle standing at the entrance. I quickly ran towards him and left Gale on the street.

As I entered the bakery I sat down on a stool and Daigle brought me a glass of water. As he stood there I wiped the few tears that had fallen off of my cheeks and pushed my hair back into place. I smiled at him and he asked if everything was okay. I nodded, "yes, thank you." As he stood there I told him to not worry and get back to whatever he had been doing. As he left towards the ovens I finished my drink and tried my best to calm down. As I sat there spewing vitriolic thoughts of Gale in my mind I remembered why I headed over here in the first place and began heading upstairs.

I could hear Peeta clearly over the laughter of a group of children in the art room. I stood outside of the door as he continued telling them one of the stories he shared pretty often. Although I had heard it no less than a dozen times, listening to the children's reaction to it made it that much better and I couldn't help but soften a little and laugh. As the noise quieted down I heard him giving the kids instructions as I heard him walk slowly, but loudly as usual, around the room. I peeked in and he saw me and smiled, motioning for me to come in. He greeted me with a soft kiss on the cheek and led me to a chair in the back of the room. He left me and began walking around, observing the students' work. There were about nine of them in the classroom and in the front was a sculpture of a fox along with Peeta's drawing of the fox.

I sat there for the next hour or so silently observing the students and Peeta as the students continued their paintings and Peeta gave them each advice or a nod of encouragement. His gentleness with each of the students softened me and I calmed down in the quiet room; so much so that I fell asleep in the chair I had been sitting in. I woke to Peeta trying to wake me up and a few students huddled around him giggling. He smiled and I jolted awake at the sight of all the little faces around me. He shooed the students away to pack up their things and he knelt beside me, rubbing my arms to help me wake up. It was almost night outside and the class was over. The students filed out and Peeta reminded them to grab a cookie downstairs before they left. As he stood there with a hand held out to help me get up, I took it and slowly wandered towards the door while he put his things away and turned the lights off.

As we walked downstairs we heard the last of the students leave. Peeta told Daigle and the other boy working in the bakery to head home, that he would clean up tonight. As I sat down on the stool I had occupied earlier in the day the two boys left, Daigle giving me a faint, sympathetic smile as he left. Peeta headed back without noticing this and began whistling while he cleaned up in the bakery. I followed him back a few moments later and watched him as he pushed up his sleeves and began scrubbing a few pans and bowls. Noticing me, he smiled and continued whistling as I leaned against the wall. I sat there staring at him as I wanted to go home. When he finally finished he put up his apron and grabbed my hand to lead me out of the bakery. As we walked back to the house Peeta shared a few anecdotes from the day and reminded me it was the weekend tomorrow, following which he asked what I would like to do since we no longer had my mom at the house. As I thought about it we came up to the house and I noticed a small envelope wedged between the door and its frame. Peeta reached for it first and since it had my name written on the front he handed it to me shrugging.

"Dear Katniss, Be happy.–Gale"

I crumpled the note and shook my head as I followed Peeta inside. "Who's it from?" "Gale. He's leaving tomorrow." "Oh, okay." As we walked inside we found a pot on the stove and another note.

"I thought I'd leave you something since neither of you seemed to be here to fix a decent meal.- Sae"

I smiled at this note as Peeta opened the pot to find a still-warm rabbit stew. We looked at each other and smiled since both of our bellies were making noises loud enough for each of us to hear. Peeta filled two bowls while I grabbed a few spoons and filled a few glasses with water. We kicked our shoes off and ate on the couch instead of at the table. Since Peeta finished first, he set his bowl aside and pulled my feet up onto his lap so he could rub them while I finished my food. "So how was your day, my sweet?" He asked. I tried to brush off the question with a simple shrug and "it was okay," but it didn't work. He cocked up an eyebrow at me and began to tickle my feet. Despite having tried this before he seemed to forget that I still had thick calluses on my feet that prevented me from being ticklish there. I gave a smug smile and nod and continued eating. He stopped and looked at me a bit more inquisitively, but then dropped the subject.

"So you never said. What do you want to do tomorrow since we're both free?" He asked. "I don't know. We could just hang out here," I threw out, wanting to avoid the town as much as possible for fear of a run in like earlier today. "How about we go do something outside? The weather's nice and it's getting stuffy being indoors all day," Peeta said, not sold by the indoors idea. Trying to think of a quick idea that didn't involve going into town I quickly shot out, "We can go to the woods."

He perked up at the idea. "Are you sure I wouldn't ruin it for you?" I was a bit confused by what he meant by it but I shook my head no. "No. Besides, I have the perfect idea. We don't need meat anyway. We can go swimming." His eyes got big at the idea since I realized I hadn't finished teaching him how to swim. "Okay, I'll _teach_ you how to swim first and then we'll _both_ swim. How does that sound?" His face relaxed a bit and he smiled at the idea. "Sounds good to me." Swung my legs off of his lap and reached to grab his to which he scrunched up his nose and shook his head. "That's probably not sanitary. I've been on my feet all day. Who knows what's on them." To which I laugh and pushed him off the couch, "then you better wash them before you get in my bed tonight, Peeta Mellark!" to which he made a sloppy military-style salute and ran upstairs.

By the time I got up there after cleaning up downstairs he was finished in the shower and towel drying his hair. I walked in while he was facing the window and stared at him for a moment. He hadn't put a shirt on yet but you could see the muscles and the scars that stretched across his back. He turned around to catch me staring and smiled at me as he picked up a foot, "clean, like requested." I smiled and gave a firm nod before heading in to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the night.

When I came out Peeta had fallen asleep with the lights on. I walked quietly around the room shutting the lights off, and crept into the bed, trying not to wake him up. It was a futile effort. "Oh, I'm sorry," he said, reaching for me and pulling me closely to him, trying to wake up. As he began kissing me softly I kissed him once and laid my head on chest, encouraging him to go back to sleep. "You've got a big day ahead of you tomorrow," I reminded him. "Yes I do," was all he said as he smiled and kissed the top of my head before falling asleep again.

**Sorry for the delay in updates. I've been under the weather. And sorry for those who may be disappointed with no engagement in this chapter. I promise it's coming though.**


	21. Chapter 21

The day started off cool as Peeta and I headed towards the woods, but by the time we got in a few hundred yards we were taking off our outer layers due to the heat. We walked silently for the most part, with the occasional, teasing, "Are we there yet?" from Peeta. As we neared the lake almost an hour after leaving the house, I stopped to smile as Peeta tromped up beside me. "Wow, this is really beautiful," Peeta sighed as he dropped our bags on a large rock beside him. I smiled for being there. It had been a while since I had gone back to that area; close to a year at least.

"When did you find this place?" He asked, as I stood there enjoying the sunlight and my oasis in the woods. It was then that I realized I had never actually brought up the lake with Peeta. "My father," I said, slowly coming back to reality and looking at him. "My father used to bring me here when I was younger," I smiled. We stood there for a moment or two taking in the natural beauty around us until I snapped back into focus with our task for the day: teaching Peeta how to swim.

"Okay," I said, taking my shoes off, "you need to strip." I said, not really paying attention to my words. "What kind of swimming are _you_ talking about, Katniss?" Peeta asked with a chuckle. "No, no, no. Just strip down to your shorts. Come on." I said, leading by example as I began to take my pants and shirt off. I began walking to the shallow side of the lake and held out my hand for him to follow me. He took it and we walked in until we were around waist deep in the water. Peeta held my hand tightly and I wiggled free of it, putting one hand on his back and holding the other one out.

"First, you need to learn how to float. That way, you won't be able to drown as easily," I teased. His eyes got squinty and I told him to stand still and watch me. As I lay on my back I indicated for him to put his hand on my stomach to show him how I was breathing and another hand on my back to show how I was lying. He gave a shy smile and placed his hands as indicated while I floated for about a minute after which I stood up and said it was his turn. He slowly got into position and I rested a hand under his back and on his stomach as he had done to me earlier. After a few minutes he got the hang of it and I took a floating position next to him. We turned our heads slightly to each other and gave a faint smile as Peeta was still concentrating on his breathing. I reached a hand out to his as it was grazing the waters and caught him off guard, making him dip a little and stand up, coughing on a little water that made its way into his mouth. I stood up quickly to help him to which he splashed some water in my face and smiled.

A few moments later I was teaching him how to tread water. The water was pretty clear in the bright sunlight so I told him to look at my legs while I began to tread in the deeper area. I began kicking and a faint smile spread across his face as he stared at my legs kicking in opposing circles under the water. "Now look up here at my hands," I said, calling him out of his trance. He smiled bigger and began skimming his hands across the water as well. I nodded and he slowly tried to kick his legs in a similar pattern. I moved further away, continuing to tread water, and watched as he quickly picked up the move. We began moving around the area of the lake until we were in a bit deeper than our heads. Realizing this, Peeta freaked out a little and lost his smooth motion so I swam closer to him and pulled him to the shallow end. I stood once we got to a shallow enough area and congratulated him on his quick learning to which he blushed and looked down at the water, softly dismissing my compliments.

"It's time for a break, I think," I said, nodding to the rock where we had left our bags and clothes. We trudged out of the water and made our way to a couple of rocks near the bag and sat down in our swimsuits, relaxing and drying out in the sun while we drank for a few water bottles and ate sandwiches we had prepared. As the sun moved we moved to a larger rock where we could both lay out since the sun was especially warm there. We brought the water and apples we had packed and ate while we lay there.

As we lay there for a while, Peeta eventually stood up and said he wanted to practice a little more. "I think I'm okay on my own," he said, waving a head to indicate I should continue lying down if I wanted to. As he walked away I laid back down, turning to look at him and he stepped into the cool water. I waved at him and he waved back as I turned to grab my water on the other side. As I turned back I heard a large splash in the water, figuring Peeta had lost his kicking pattern. I looked to where he had been but he was gone. I stood to look for him and quickly saw his head come up from a deeper area of the water.

I jumped into the water where I was and swam towards him. As I saw him, I grabbed him under an arm and drug him to the shallow area. He was coughing on the water as I sat him up and patted his back hardly, trying to get the rest of the water. "Sorry," he said, choking on the last bit of water. "I thought I was good enough to go in the deep end," he said with a small laugh in his voice. I shook my head and continued hitting him in the back, my mind not registering that the water was out. "You scared me!" I yelled, trying not to sound too upset. I stopped hitting him and rubbed his back as we sat there, waiting for Peeta's breathe to settle. He put an arm around me and said, "I promise to not go swimming while my lifeguard isn't on duty." "You're right you won't!" I shot back, trying not to smile too much at his smart comment.

We eventually stood up and Peeta began walking into the water again. "I promise I won't drown this time," he said, holding a hand out for me and nodding towards the water. I followed him and waited while he got into a good treading pattern before beginning to tread as well. As we treaded Peeta began moving past me to the deep side as well, this time talking, "Let's try it again. I should do better since I have something to distract me from over-analyzing my moves." I smiled and began to move closer to him. We began following each other around the lake and treaded for what felt like a good thirty or forty minutes. As we neared the shallow part, Peeta moved more vigorously so he was moving past me. He stopped once he got chest deep in the water and grabbed me before I could pass. I stood up and he pulled me in with one arm around my waist. The other hand pushed my braid behind my back and he stood there smiling at me. I couldn't help but smile back when I saw how happy his bright blue eyes were. His hand rested on the back of my head and he pulled me in for a deep kiss. It was different than other kisses I was used to. Usually Peeta's kisses were passionate and lusty or short and sweet. But this kiss was deep, soulful, and gentle. I kissed back and we stood there in the water, kissing for who knows how long.

When we eventually pulled away I opened my eyes to see a smile on Peeta's face and his eyes still closed. As he opened them slowly again the bright blue was happier than ever and he pulled me in again quickly for another kiss. When he finished he rested his forehead against mine. "Today has been wonderful. Even if you had to save me," he said with a smile, "Thank you." I smiled back and said, "No problem. I figure with the life-saving I'm starting to pay you back, right?" He grabbed me by the arms, saying, "No, Katniss. I'm always going to be in debt to you." I let a faint smile graze my lips and we walked out of the water towards our clothes. The sun was still high, but it was probably close to 4 or 5 o'clock in the afternoon. We each took our clothes and went to different areas behind trees to change into regular clothes. Peeta was finished first and began walking to the area where I was but as I caught sight of him I turned around and yelled for him to stop. He stopped and laughed as he covered his eyes.

When I finally got my shirt over my still-damp body I sloppily put my wet hair in a bun and headed out to meet him. "Sorry," he laughed, holding his hands up. "I thought you were done. Honestly." I gave him a suspicious look and slung my bag on my back. He took my hand and we began walking back slowly out of the woods. I felt a bit of sadness leaving the spot but was glad it had been a good day. Even though it held a special place in my heart for the memories I shared with my father there, taking Peeta there had a different set of happy feelings associated with them and I smiled quietly to myself.

As we left the fence Peeta asked if we could return the next day for more lessons. I laughed and agreed, surprised by his enthusiasm. "It felt good in the water," he said bashfully, like a little child. We went home and, due to the heat, opened all of the windows. "I think this calls for some more time outdoors," Peeta said as he headed back to our garden. We had begun growing a few more plants. In addition to the herbs and small flowers, we had added a few small things like carrots, tomatoes, and potatoes; nothing too fancy. Peeta and I enjoyed good flavors, but we weren't really exotic eaters like the people in the Capitol were. He began checking on the vegetables, some of which were beginning to sprout, as well as pluck up some of the herbs that were ready to be harvested. I sat on the chair and watched him, admiring his gentle, but strong hands as he pruned, composted, and took care of our little garden.

I fell asleep in the chair and woke up a few hours later with a small nudge on my shoulder and kiss on the cheek from a cleaned up Peeta. The sun had begun to set and he pulled up another chair beside me to enjoy the sight. He took my hand and pulled it up to his mouth, kissing it softly before resting it on his armrest. After the sun had set he turned to me, "How's it going?" he asked, calmly. "Pretty good. It's been a great day." I said, still staring at the sky as stars faintly began to show. I felt completely calm and serene for the first time in a very long while and wanted to stay in that mood for as long as possible. I sat still, fearing that my movements would suddenly throw things back out of balance.

Peeta stood up and held a hand out for me, pulling me up as well into a warm, soft, hug. "I made dinner if you want some," he mumbled into my hair after he kissed the top of my head. I nodded and he began to pull away but I grabbed him and pulled him back, closer to me. It just felt good. He let out of soft laugh and stood there while we hugged for a few more moments before he interrupted my silent calm. "I do need to go inside to make sure it's not burning at least." I groaned and let go of him, following him as he walked inside.

The table was set and the food smiled very good. Peeta reached into the oven for a loaf of bread and then took out a pan with a piece of meat which had been roasting with some vegetables. I sat down and stared at it, suddenly realizing I was hungrier than I had thought. He set everything down on the counter and began preparing a small salad, saying we needed to wait before cutting the meat and bread. After a few more minutes he brought everything to the table and I eyed the delicious spread. Before we began eating Peeta reached his hand towards mine squeezed it tightly. "Katniss, I-" but he was soon cut off by Haymitch.

"Hey! What's for dinner? Sae's out of town…" he stopped, suddenly realizing he had interrupted us. You could smell the alcohol on him but Peeta motioned for him to sit down and got up to get Haymitch a plate and utensils. "No, I'm not hungry," he said with a burp, patting his stomach. "You really should eat something instead of drinking all the time," Peeta chided Haymitch as he set down the plate and silverware.

The forces of nature knew things had gone too easily on me that day and thus produced Haymitch. I didn't mind him being there; it had been a while since we had seen him since my mother had been in town and we had both been busy with our little businesses. We entertained Haymitch that night. It felt almost reassuring, listening to some of his drunken stories and loud laughter during dinner, after which he stumbled to the living room. Peeta and I gave him quizzical looks and he tried to explain as he reached for the TV. "Do you guys even have a remote?" he asked, frustrated as his drunken stupor impeded him from hitting any of the correct buttons. We didn't. Peeta and I weren't big TV watchers. Actually, I couldn't remember the last time we had watched TV. Peeta got up next to him, asking what he wanted to turn the TV to as Haymitch stumbled backwards, sprawling out on the couch.

"They're doing a report on what they've been researching in the area. I hear there's a really good looking guy they interviewed," he said with a wily smile. Peeta turned on the TV and sat in the chair next to me as a woman came on the screen and they began showing footing of District 12. It felt weird to see it on a TV screen. They showed several of the shops in the area, including footage of the bakery, complete with Peeta helping a customer.

They continued by showing some of the new buildings in the area and discussing the plans the Capitol had for our district in the future. Apparently they were thinking of using some of the natural resources we had in the area for various needs around Panem. The interviewed a few official looking people, one of which was Gale. My stomach began to turn as I looked at him. He had a very cold, hardened look on his face as he stood near the town square talking about how they were going to start testing some materials to see if they could be used to help hovercrafts fly on cleaner fuel and also what could be used with weapon development. The word weapon struck a particularly painful cord with me as I saw him discuss potential weapons they could use.

The shot went back to the woman who was walking in the town square and discussing the various ideas the officials had presented. She continued with a short intro before interviewing a few district people concerning their thoughts with the ideas. Haymitch clapped his hands and punched Peeta in the shoulder as it shot to him. He was clearly more sober than he was at this moment and he smiled a good bit at the camera before looking at the woman. But as he spoke he sounded rational. Shortly after the program was over a new one began. Since none of us were interested Peeta turned the TV off and we both turned to Haymitch who was beaming with pride. "What do you think?" "You did a wonderful job, Haymitch," Peeta began. I nodded fervently in agreement to make him feel better and he stood up to excuse himself.

As he closed the door behind Haymitch Peeta let out a chuckle and shook his head. I smiled at him, but my insides were still twisting after seeing Gale and hearing him discuss the advances he wanted to make with weapons. Who were we fighting? Why did we even need to continue making weapons? My cheeks grew red as I grew angry with a not-present Gale and Peeta walked over and rubbed my arm with a concerned look on his face. "Are you okay?" He asked tenderly. I shook my head, "Yeah, I'm fine," I said quickly before giving him a fake smile and walking to the table to clean up the dishes.

As we lay in bed Peeta's kisses brought me back to him and I quickly remembered the night before Haymitch interrupted us. "What did you need to say earlier? Before Haymitch came in." I asked. "Oh, nothing. It's okay. Don't worry about it. We should get some rest. We've got more swimming ahead of us tomorrow." He smiled before kissing me again.


	22. Chapter 22

**I would like to apologize in advance. Finals have just ended and I'm in the process of certifying several students for graduation in addition to updating grades and such for the rest of the students I deal with. Updating may be a bit spotty over the next two weeks until graduation, but I promise I'll try to update as often as I can. Oh, and thanks for the many reviews! I love them, so keep 'em coming!**

The next morning was a similarly weathered day. Because I was hankering for some fresh meat, we headed out earlier than the day before and Peeta followed as I tried to set up a few snares. If nothing was caught while we were at the lake, the plan was for me to go hunting while he went home.

That morning I taught Peeta a simple crawl. After I had demonstrated the moves to him in the clear water, I held him up under the water, his legs picking up the kicking motion quickly. His arm work was a little looser, but the general movements were achieved. We slowly began swimming around the perimeter of the lake while Peeta became more comfortable with the moves; stopping to rest on the side when necessary. We eventually took a break on the far side of the lake, climbing up on the large rock to eat while we rested in the warm sun.

"So how do you like swimming so far?" I asked Peeta. "I like it. I can't say I'm a natural, but it's fun. It feels good to be in the water and outside." He said with a quick smile as he continued eating his sandwich. We laid down on the large rock after we finished eating to rest a little more before going back into the water.

"Would you say the woods are your favorite place?" Peeta asked me. It seemed like an odd question, but I answered anyway, "Well… Yeah. Why?" "I'm just wondering," he said, although you could clearly hear the smile in his voice. I propped myself up on my elbow and turned to face him but simply gave him a quizzical look while he smiled with his eyes closed. I put my head back down and continued wondering what he was trying to get at. Sure the woods were my favorite place. I had so many good memories from here. Why wouldn't it be? As I sat there thinking and keeping my eyes closed from the bright noonday sun Peeta leaned over to me, gave me a quick peck on the check and slid off the rock to get into the water. While I should have been more concerned after the incident yesterday, I wasn't. I simply sat up and watched him while he continued the various moves I'd taught him so far.

"Do you want to learn another move?" I shouted out to him as he treaded water some 20 feet away from me. "Sure," He said with a big grin as he treaded towards me. The area closest to the rock was shallow so we stood there as I began to show him the back stroke. His eyes were locked on me as I asked him to hold me under my back so I could stay steady and show him what he would need to do with his arms and legs. I felt a little uncomfortable for some reason, but pushed the thoughts aside. He had seen me lay out in my swimming suit before. I had taught him how to do other things in the water while his hands rested against my body. A smile spread across Peeta's face which helped me relax some, although the uncomfortable feeling settled in the back of my head.

Peeta picked up the move surprisingly quickly as I held him from underneath. We took turns going back and forth along the distance of the lake, practicing the strokes of the day. After about an hour we were both sufficiently tired and climbed back onto our rock. As we sat there resting a bit before changing, Peeta said, "Well Katniss, you are a great teacher. And to think, just yesterday morning I would have drowned!" I laughed as I waved my hand, disregarding his remark and he took it, kissing my palm softly. "Thanks. Really." He said with a smile. I smiled back and he stood up, holding out his hand to help me stand as well as we climbed down to change in our separate areas.

As we met back up the sun was still high; it was probably only 2 or 3 in the afternoon so Peeta walked with me as I went to check on the snares I had set. Nothing had been caught. Between the heat and the noise we made swimming, I wasn't too surprised. Peeta offered to come along and learn about hunting but I dismissed him, "There's been enough teaching on my part for today," and he left, loudly making his way out of the woods. When the noise of his footsteps had died off, I went to the tree where I hid my bow and arrows and began making my way deeper into the forest.

Because it was still early enough in the day, I decided to go in an area I was less familiar with and began walking stealthily through the forest. The trees were so thick that the only way I could see was from the few rays of sunlight that broke through the treetops. It was noticeably cooler though and I was sure I could catch something. I heard a few twigs snap a couple of yards away and quietly turned in that direction with my bow at the ready. A small rabbit hopped across my path and I quickly shot it in the eye. I began moving for it when I took a wrong step and fell; a large pain shooting up through my right leg as I heard a faint crack from my feet. It seemed that the leaves and a few other things had covered a sudden drop in the ground. As I pulled myself up to sit on the ground I began to grow light-headed as I bent to check on my feet. My ankle was clearly broken.

As I bit my lip in reaction to the pain I tried to strategize how I would get home. I had walked a good 30 minutes in the opposite direction from where I had split off from Peeta which meant it would take me at least an hour to get to the fence and then another fifteen minutes to get home. As I sat there, hoping that Peeta would miraculously appear and save me, I was brought back to reality a few moments later, realizing that, as with more difficulties in my life, I could not be a damsel in distress waiting for a prince to come, but instead I'd have to save myself. I sat there looking at what was around me that I could use to walk towards the fence. None of the pieces of wood were sufficiently long enough to form a can so I broke one of my arrows to serve as a splint, and decided to try and use my bow as a cane.

I began hobbling towards the direction I had come from, completely forgetting about the meat I had shot. As I continued hobbling I grew more and more frustrated with the situation until I began to grow angry. Why had I been so stupid to come out here on my own? There was perfectly good meat in the town. Why couldn't Peeta read my mind and come find me? Why couldn't he be a stealthy hunter like my dad or like Gale? The more I thought the angrier I became. The angrier I became the more depressed I became for being so angry. Why did Peeta still have to care? Why couldn't he have just left me to wither away when I got back from the Capitol? Why did I have to be so ungrateful? As I began to spiral downward I realized I still hadn't gotten that far. While I had been walking for what felt like hours I was still a good bit from the area where we split up.

I sat down on a rock, exhausted emotionally and physically. I hadn't been leaning much on the bow for fear I would break it so my back and legs felt very tight. After resting for several minutes I got back up again but too quickly this time and I dropped, crying out in pain. I began to feel lightheaded again and decided against standing. I began to crawl across the ground, strapping my bow against my back with my other arrows. As I placed my hands I would wince in pain occasionally as my palm would land upon a sharp rock or the end of a twig. But half an hour or so later I gave up. I lay down on the ground and pulled my knees up to my chest, lying in fetal position, when I began to cry. It wasn't supposed to be like this. A wave of memories came to mind as I lay there crying on the forest floor; regrets for not dying in the first arena, regrets for being the mockingjay. I regretted Peeta and his misguided love for me. Was it even love? All we did was make out. We were really just friends with benefits. As I lie there wallowing in my own self-guilt and pity I grew light headed until I blacked out.

The nightmare was vivid. Peeta was being tortured and I was the one forced to inject him. I stood there as I put the needle into his arm and watched him plead for help as I stood there, completely numb, and not relieving his pain. It shot from that to watching Prim burst into flames. As she screamed for me, her eyes boring holes into mine, I sat there, numb and motionless, as she burned. I woke to the sound of my own voice, screaming loudly, and alone, in the woods. As I lay there, frozen in place, I realized the sun had sunk lower and would soon be setting. I lay there, staring at the sky, waiting for the darkness to envelope me, when I fall asleep again.

This time the roles are changed. I lie, strapped down to a sterile table, listening to Peeta yell for help as he is tortured in the room next to me. I scream out, but no one comes to my aid. Instead, a masked man comes by my side with a syringe full of a green liquid. As he shoots it into my arm he takes off his mask and I see that it is President Snow. But his face slowly transforms into that of a bloodied snake, hissing and jabbing towards me. I fade out but come back to hear Peeta and Finnick screaming on either side of me. Their cries are unbearable as I jerk on the table, trying to break free from the straps tying me down. As my head hits the table again I awake to find myself, once again, on the bottom of the forest floor, this time looking up at a nighttime sky.

I couldn't help but feel the immense pain shooting through my leg, but considered my alternative of staying here and letting an animal find me, I began to devise a way to get out. I got back on my knees and swung my bow and arrows across my back as I continued to crawl towards the lake. I stopped after about twenty minutes to rest. I had gone maybe 300 or 25 yards. I sat down and tried to ignore the throbbing pain. Fifteen minutes or so later I began crawling again. I repeated this pattern four more times. I decided to stop for a longer rest since I was becoming gradually weaker and crawling caused such immense pain.

As I sat there on the ground I decided to lie down. I was dehydrated and knew I was hungry because a severe headache was beginning to take over my thoughts. As I lay there I couldn't help but hope against hope that someone would come find me. Peeta. Haymitch. I'd even accept Gale if he found me. Exhausted and struggling with a headache, thirst, and an empty stomach I shut my eyes, hoping for a restful sleep. I was only partially granted my wish.

My dreams were vivid. Not long scenes like the ones I had had earlier, but short snapshots in bright colors and loud noises. Peeta screaming at me that I was a Mutt. Prim and the children screaming for help as they burned alive in the Capitol. Cinna being beaten senseless while I stood in my tube, waiting to be listed into the Quarter Quell arena. I cried out for all of them, but my voice had no sound. I was silent. I thrashed violently trying to break free from whatever was holding me back, but the grips tightened until my entire body felt like it was being crushed it. As I began gasping for air and trying to yell I awoke to hear my name.

"Katniss! Katniss, are you okay?" I was still struggling to catch my breath but I began to register his voice as he bent down to try and wake me up. The smell of his alcohol alone was enough to wake me up.

"Yes," I answered Haymitch groggily. He turned his bright flashlight off as he began to try and pick me up, which was no small feat, given his breathlessness and inebriated state; I stepped lightly on my broken ankle and dropped down again, screaming in pain. "No. I'm not okay." I said as I hit the ground with my fist. "My ankle is broken." "What? Where did you break it?" he asked, turning the flashlight back on to look at my ankle. I pointed in the general direction and shrugged, "Back there; about a mile away." "What in the world?" he began as he pointed the light in the direction I indicated; the light almost getting lost in the darkness. But I raised my hand, cutting him off, "I don't want to hear it." He sat down beside me to quickly devised a plan.

He helped me stand, both of us carefully making sure my injured leg did not touch the ground. We walked a few yard and sat on a rock. He told me to stay put and turned his flashlight back on. "Peeta is looking for you too. I'll go find him and he can carry you better than I can." He and his light quickly disappeared as I heard him begin to yell out for Peeta. His voice eventually disappeared as I sat on the rock, my bow and arrow still strapped to my back.

A few minutes later I could hear two voices gradually return as I heard Peeta's distinctive, loud footsteps run in my direction, Haymitch wheezing and coming up behind him. Peeta flashed his light around, finally catching sight of me. As he came close, the worry in his eyes was palpable. I tried to give him a smile, but failed miserably. He gave me a quick, concerned smile as he looked down, gently trying to remove my boot to look at my ankle. I winced in pain though. No amount of tenderness or gentleness was going to mask the pain and enormous swelling my ankle was undergoing at the moment. The look on Peeta's face became more concentrated as Haymitch caught up and held his flashlight out for additional light.

After a brief inspection Peeta gave me back my boot and quickly whisked me up into his arms as he began jogging towards the fence. "Running again?" Haymitch pleaded in despair. "Walk if you want," Peeta yelled back at him, a good 20 yards between them. My headache had returned full force so I simply rested my head against Peeta's shoulders as he continued running towards the fence. While he wasn't hitting my ankle, the bumpy motion irritated it and I couldn't help but wince a few more times. "I'm sorry, Katniss," he said as he tried to steady his jogging to a quick run. It didn't help much and instinctively I couldn't help but bite his shirt to try and keep from screaming in pain. But Peeta simply held me tighter and whispered repeatedly in my ear that I would be okay. Everything would be okay. While I knew my broken ankle would lead to my death, the afternoon had been long and painful. But his words calmed me down.

Eventually we made it out of the woods but Peeta quickened his pace as he ran to the first house we came to. It must have been close to midnight because all of the houses were dark. A sleepy man came to the door and Peeta apologized profusely. "I'm so sorry, sir. We've had an accident in the woods and she's broken her ankle. Could we borrow your car or could you drive us to the clinic?" The man nodded, suddenly registering what Peeta had said, and he closed the door, saying he would be back quickly. When he returned he was dressed and holding his keys. As Peeta settled me into the backseat of the car I settled a bit, finally relaxing on something more stable than Peeta's arms as he jogged and more comfortable that the forest floor strewn with leaves, grass, and twigs.

Ten minutes later we arrived at the clinic where Peeta brought me in and sat me down, my body stretching across three seats. He asked the nurse to attend to me while he went outside to thank the man who refused Peeta's money before hopping back into his car and leaving. Peeta was quickly inside again and sitting next to me, looking me over with a worried, but lighter tone on his face. "You'll be okay," he kept saying as he rubbed my arms. I think the reassurance was more for his own sake than mine.

What seemed like an hour later, a nurse came outside and he, along with Peeta placed me on a bed. The doctor began to wheel me away while Peeta stood there. "No, please! I need him to come with me!" I yelled at the nurse. He had a confused look on his face but shrugged and motioned for Peeta to come with us. As I was wheeled back Peeta walked quickly alongside the bed, holding my hand and looking down into my face. When we got to the room the nurse helped me remove my bow and arrows which were still strapped to my back. He looked at Peeta and cleared his throat, hinting that he was about to change me out of my clothing. Peeta's eyes grew wide and he began to move towards the door. "No, he can stay," I said. It might have been awkward for Peeta to see me disrobed, but I couldn't stand losing sight of him again. He came close and asked what I wanted him to do while the nurse slowly grew more impatient with his patient. "Hold my hand but turn that way," I said, pointing to the wall. Peeta laughed and turned, doing what I had asked. The nurse quickly undressed me and put me into a gown; Peeta letting go when obviously necessary.

A few moments later, and IV was in my arm and Peeta has stroking my hair as he stood at the head of the bed, next to me. There must have been morphling in the bag because I was beginning to feel odd. "I was so worried," he began, the worry in his face slowly fading. I tried to talk but the drugs were quickly affecting me and I was unable to speak. He smiled and put his hand on my lips, bending down to replace it with his lips.


	23. Chapter 23

**Sorry if this chapter is a bit jumbled and frustrating. I'm trying to explain a few heavier concepts instead of glossing over them and am struggling a bit with how to convey it. Any reviews are appreciated since I don't know if things are coming out clearly or not. I'm trying to write from katniss' perspective which is a little difficult. She's a bit irrational and I think her ideas get jumbled which I am trying to convey, but I don't want YOU GUYS to get confused as well, you know? Thanks for your patience and please let me know if you think I should switch anything up.**

I woke up lying in the bed with Peeta holding my hand and fast asleep in the chair next to me. As I began to stir, Peeta bolted awake and jumped to his feet. "Katniss! You're awake! How do you feel? Do you hurt?" He began to shoot out questions as I squeezed my eyes shut, a headache steadily forming. I smiled back at him and nodded, rubbing my temples. "I'm fine, I'm fine," I mumbled. His expression changed to one of concern, "Are you sure? Do you have a headache?" he continued. I paused and he smiled, "Should I just shut up and get the nurse to give you some more medicine?" I smiled back and nodded silently.

The nurse came in and his chipper voice was much worse to listen to than Peeta's. "You've been out almost the whole day! Now you were dehydrated and they had to go some work to set the break, but you'll be okay. They just want you to stay here a day or two before sending you home." With that he quickly stopped talking and began checking the monitors and the IV bags dripping into my bloodstream. Peeta stood by, holding my hand and smiling gently at me. When the nurse left he called out that dinner would be there in half an hour and closed the door, smiling politely in our direction.

Peeta bent down to give me a kiss and softly asked how I felt. The medicine the nurse had put into the drip was beginning to take affect so I gave a drug-induced smile and said I was fine. Peeta let out a small chuckle and stood there, silently massaging my hands to keep them warm. It felt good and I eventually dozed back to sleep.

I awoke a while later to see a plate on a table near me and Peeta reading a book. He looked up at me as I looked at the plate and noticed the half-eaten roll. "It tasted like cardboard. You wouldn't want it anyway. I honestly don't know where it came from," he said as I smiled. "Besides," he continued, "Haymitch, Sadie, and Sae are coming by so they're bringing real food with them." The words made my stomach begin to grumble and Peeta laughed as he heard my noisy stomach.

"So what happened yesterday?" He asked. I relayed the story, nightmares excluded, and let it end when Haymitch found me. He had a concerned look on his face, but brushed a hair out of my forehead when he smiled, "Well, I'm just glad you're okay. I wish I had stayed with you." "What, and have both of us end up here? No thank you. Besides, you would have scared off the meat," I said, both of us getting a smile across our faces. "Who's at the bakery?" I asked, realizing Peeta had been with me since he brought me in. "The boys. They can handle it. Don't worry about it." And I didn't.

An hour or so later Haymitch burst into the room, obviously drunk, with a giggling Sadie and chiding Sae behind him. "Don't be so loud, we're in a hospital!" she said, swatting at him with her free hand. They all had something in their arms; you would have thought we were about to have a feast. Haymitch moved the plate of untouched food and they all placed their bundles on the small table. Sae had roasted meat and vegetables, Haymitch some bread, and Sadie some fruit. I eyed the food ravenously and the old woman laughed, "Well, I won't stop you child." And I took a plate of food, eating it while I sat in the bed. Peeta grabbed a plate and served himself as well, eating while talking with Haymitch and Sae. Sadie simply sat on the other chair and played with some of the random items she found in the room.

As I finished my plate I set it on my lap and Sae took it from me, placing it in a basket she had brought. I let my head rest against the pillow and closed my eyes while listening to Peeta and Haymitch discuss a statue they were placing in the square. I didn't pay much attention, but Sae came to the other side of the bed and began asking how I was. I smiled and answered, despite my encroaching headache, because of all the woman had done for me. Noticing the grimace on my face she called for Haymitch's attention and came up with an excuse to leave. "Wha-? But we just got here?" Haymitch shot out. "We've been here long enough and I'm sure you've woken everyone up on this floor with your volume alone. Let's go," she said, reaching for her basket with one hand and her granddaughter with the other. She gave me a smile as she left and called out for Haymitch.

"I swear, you'd think I was ten and she was my mother," Haymitch began as he walked to where Sae had previously stood. "Well, Sweetheart. Start feeling better." He said as he rubbed my head, tousling my hair. "Haymitch, let's go!" Sae called through the crack in the door. "Damn it, woman! I'm coming!" he yelled as he began to mosey out the room. Peeta and I waved, telling him to come back tomorrow if he got bored.

As Peeta stood to close the door Haymitch had left open it was then that I noticed how disheveled he looked. He must have been baking before he went for Haymitch's help because you could see the faint, yet distinctive, marks of flour on his pants. He smiled as he turned back and asked if I was tired. "No." "Do you want to watch the TV?" "No." "Do you want to make out with a really ridiculously good-looking baker?" he suggested with a wink. I laughed at his last suggestion and he leaned in to give me a kiss much stronger than his previous one.

As he stood there kissing me I pulled him in closer, wishing he could join me in the bed when the nurse opened the door. "Whoops! Sorry!" he said, backing out of the door. Peeta and I broke apart stood there, a bit embarrassed, and I told the nurse he could come back in. He did, his blush meeting ours, and quickly began talking with me about the medicine they were giving me, how I was doing, and the physical therapy I would be starting. It was then that I moved the blanket covering me to look at my plastered ankle. I hadn't thought much of the ankle itself before, but it felt very heavy. I let out a light laugh when I looked at it and tried to lift it. While I had regained a good bit of strength versus earlier that day, it was still a bit heavy for my leg. The nurse said that the next morning I could try walking around on it. And with that, he left. That night Peeta stayed with me but this time, at my insistence, the nurse's aid wheeled in a cot and Peeta slept on it, next to me.

A few days later I was home, hobbling on my crutches. I kicked a table leg and cursed loudly enough that I'm sure Peeta could hear me all the way at the bakery. I had insisted he go back to work the day after I got home and he did so, although the first day he took half of the day off. I was insistent upon him going about business as usual; if I couldn't function on my own with a broken ankle, I was a lost cause if Peeta came to his good senses and left me. He didn't laugh at this idea like I had, but I kissed him and pushed him out the door, eager to see how I would do on my own.

I honestly wondered why Peeta stuck around. We loved each other, but I wondered if it was the type of love that lasted. We still suffered from everything that had happened. That was without a doubt. But had we rushed into things? Did we really love each other or was it simply that because we helped each other heal we let that transform in our minds to equate love? I thought about it more. I was never one to think about love, but I didn't want to make a mistake. Not when it came to me, and especially not when it involved Peeta. I'd used him enough in the past. I didn't want to keep using him and robbing him of the kind of life he deserved. The more I thought about it, the sadder I grew. But at the same time, I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing for Peeta. I was determined to find out before Peeta made the mistake of proposing-if he ever planned on doing it—and before I selfishly accepted.

That night when Peeta came home he began by asking me about my day while lifting my feet onto the couch and propping them up with pillows. "When would he stop being the nice guy?" I thought to myself. I told him in short, terse answers. He gave me a confused look and I tried to change the topic by asking how the day had gone in the bakery. He answered by sharing a few funny stories from customers and the class he taught that afternoon. He stood up to get started on dinner and I stayed on the couch, stewing over my thoughts from that afternoon that had crept in and taken root in my mind. As he spoke I tuned him out for the most part until he asked me a question. "What?" I shot out, caught off guard.

"Do you want to go for a walk to Haymitch's after dinner?" he repeated. I shook my head no and looked back down at my casted foot. He gave me a concerned look and finished dinner, bringing it over to me on the couch. I continued staring at my foot and thinking about whether or not my relationship was a disservice to Peeta or not while Peeta looked at me, the look of concern growing across his face.

"Katniss, are you sure you're okay? Have you taken too much of the medicine the doctor sent home?" Peeta asked, carefully. "No." I snapped back. "I've only taken what he gave me. Why do you have to think something's wrong?" Peeta's look faded and he softly said he was sorry. When I had finished eating he reached to take my plate but I snatched it back from him. "I can take it to the sink. I'm not completely helpless without you." Peeta stood there with his mouth ajar. "What is going on, Katniss? I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry. But there is no need to be like this." I threw my plate on the ground following his statement. Maybe the medicine was to blame. I felt hot and a bit nauseated. I began crying and Peeta scooped me up and carried me to our bedroom.

Once he place me on the bed he sat next to me and waited for me to stop crying. "Why do you always have to be the good guy, Peeta?" I said in frustration. He let out a small laugh and brushed my hair aside. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Katniss. This is just how I am. Good guy, bad guy. I don't know how to be any different." I wiped my eyes and stared at him.

"Do you ever worry that we rushed into this?" I asked. "Do you ever wonder if the emotions of healing were jumbled with love and we are 'in love' only because we feel better together? Not because we're really in love, just because we feel better when we're around each other?" The smile on his face sunk as the words escaped my mouth.

"Katniss, I…" his voice trailed off as he tried to think of what to say. "I don't know."


	24. Chapter 24

**Sorry for the delay in updating. I'm in the middle of certifying students for graduation, advising students for the upcoming summer term, and swamped planning my husband's big birthday bash this weekend. Plus I was out of town without my laptop this weekend. But I promise I'll update sooner than before! Thanks for your patience. And as always, thanks for the reviews! I love advice, questions, and ideas. **

That night we slept in the same bed but miles apart. I think I hurt Peeta's feelings with my question because he was silent for the most part and didn't sleep as close to me. Not that I wanted him to. I just felt very confused about everything. I didn't want to rush into anything and yet I had. We were two broken people faking a normal life; but there was little normalcy in our lives. I had been the reluctant face of the rebellion and Peeta had been the unfortunate, tortured victim of the Capitol. My choices led to the deaths of hundreds and vicious nightmares while Peeta struggled with reality and the polar opposites of love and hate for me. How could we expect to function normally?

I didn't sleep much of the night; I just laid there and thought about everything. When I began to doze off, after what felt like several hours of listening to Peeta's shallow breathing, my dreams were vivid and violent. I was in District 2 but instead of what I had done there, I was an active part in destroying the entire area; bombing it like the Capitol had done to twelve. I saw home burn, people burn, children burn. I saw Prim burning as she tried to save the people. But I wasn't even trying to help her, I was simply torturing her more. I woke from the sound of my own voice screaming in the early morning. I reached out for Peeta but he was already out of the bed, though his spot was still warm.

He threw open the bathroom door and looked at me, worried. "Are you okay?" He said as he came and sat by me on the edge of the bed. I noticed that he was shirtless. I looked away and nodded. "Yeah, it was just a nightmare," I said as I pulled the blanket up to my chin. He looked at me with a concerned look on his face and after a few minutes of staring at me stood up to finish getting ready. Within ten minutes he was back near my face, this time hunching down to give me a kiss on my cheek. "I'll be home late. I'm teaching a class. Get some sleep."

As he left the room and closed the door behind him I could hear his loud footsteps down the stairs, through the home and out the front door. The further away he became the strong the pit in my stomach became.

I eventually made my way out of the bed, although with a good amount of difficulty, and hobbled downstairs. It was still dark outside, but the sky was becoming a light grey, reflecting the imminent approach of the sun. I rested with my leg stretched out on the couch and my head resting against a pillow I had propped up. Buttercup climbed up near my head and stared at me. "What do you want, you dumb cat?" I shot at him. He hissed at me and I turned onto my side, facing the back couch.

There was a crash through the door and several large men dressed in Peacekeeper uniforms burst in, guns at the ready. Buttercup hissed at them but they quickly shot him. As I tried to get up with my broken ankle, two of the men grabbed me while the third held me at gunpoint. They were yelling at me but due to the masks they were wearing they were incomprehensible. As I became more and more confused I grew panicked until one of them struck me over the head with the butt of his gun, knocking me out.

When I came to I was strapped to a board in a dimly lit room. I noticed a figure approach me with a large syringe in their hand. I noticed it was a woman. As I searched her face in the dark I noticed it was my mother. But it wasn't. Her hair was wild and the makeup on her face was loud and garish. Her eyes were dark and manic and she struck me strongly as I began to move. She painfully shoved the needle in my arm and the stinging was immense. My vision became blurry but I was not knocked out. I began having shiny hallucinations. Instead of volunteering for Prim I let her go into the arena where she was brutally murdered by Peeta. When he came home following the games he came after me and my mother to try and kill us as well.

As the hallucinations became more intense and grotesque with the murders and killings Peeta performed for Snow I slowly passed out. When I came to again I was strapped to the board and on my back. As my mother approached me again with the syringe and crazed look in her eye I began to scream. She put her hand over my mouth to muffle my voice, but I bit down on her hand and continued screaming when she pulled it back. "OW!" I heard Haymitch say.

I turned and noticed I was on my couch. Haymitch was sitting on the ground next to me looking at his bleeding hand. His eyes shot up at me, "I hope you're happy, Sweetheart!" I looked at the ground and mumbled the words "I'm sorry." To which he simply retorted, "What the hell were you screaming about any way? Geez, girl! I could hear you in my house, hell, you probably woke up the entire neighborhood!" It was then that I noticed that the lights in my house were on and that the sun had just barely risen.

"I was having a nightmare," I mumbled, ashamed by my childish excuse. Haymitch had never dealt with me when I had nightmares. Did he even realize I had them? Of course, he had to. He had them too. Why else did he sleep with a knife and drink so heavily.

"Do you have any bandages so I could wrap this up?" I nodded and pointed down the hall towards the bathroom. He came back a few minutes later, still looking at his bandaged hand and sitting in the arm chair closest to me. "So you're still having nightmares. Well that's a damn shame. I thought that boy would have just cleared those right up. That the whole 'love conquers all' myth would have helped your sorry butt." I couldn't even think of anything to say back; partially because Haymitch was sober enough to form a slightly intelligent argument, and partially because I was still waking up from my latest nightmare. As I sat there in silence he laughed, "what, did I actually hurt your feelings?" I scowled at him but it wasn't fooling either of us. He simply looked at me and my look melted away. "No. It's just that. You're right." I said, struggling to get the words out.

He sat back and gave me a skeptical look. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. What did you say?" "You're right." "One more time?" he egged. "Shut up, Haymitch. You heard it twice in one day." I shot back at him.

"So you're telling me you two have been faking it again? You're good. I mean, I knew about it with the Capitol, but this time…" he trailed off. "It's not like that," I said. "Then how is it? Are you in love? Are you not? It's one or the other, girl." He said brusquely.

"I don't know. Why am I even discussing this with you?" I said aloud, immediately wishing I hadn't. "Like it or not, Katniss, I'm one of the few friends you have that knows both of you. Give me a break," he said defensively. It hurt, but I realized that he was right. I sat back on the couch and slowly began to try and explain what I was thinking. It felt like pulling teeth trying to explain it to anyone, much less Haymitch. But he had gone into mentor mode and was listening intently, almost clinically, as I gave a brief explanation of my fear.

When I finished he leaned forward with his fingers pressed together and against his mouth. "So you're saying you think you aren't really in love, just that your feelings from the games have confused you? God, that's uncomfortable to say and hear." He said, covering his eyes, as to imagine he hadn't said what he just had. "Look," he continued, "whether you like it or not, you're both broken. We're all broken. Did you rush into it? Maybe. But I also know that boy is doing much better because of you. If you don't like him, it's selfish of you to keep stringing him along like-" I cut him off, "I do like him. I just don't want to get confused. I need to know I didn't just stick with him because of habit." "Look Katniss, I'm ending my time as your therapist. This is weird territory for me and frankly, I don't enjoy it. But just know that you are BOTH better off because of each other. If I could have what you have, I'd cherish it. Grab onto it with both hands and not let go. So what if you came together because of the Games. If it's not meant to be, it'll end. While he may be love sick enough to go along with whatever you want, he isn't stupid enough to stay if he's unhappy. If you're happy, why ruin it with your over-analyzing ways? And with that, I'm done. Unless you want to start paying me."

As he walked out the door I considered the incredibly abnormal conversation that had just transpired between me and my former mentor. I shook my head trying to erase the memory and lay back down on the couch. He was right though. If Peeta was unhappy he would leave. And I wasn't unhappy with Peeta. I just didn't want to rush into anything.

I tried to occupy myself by watching TV, but nothing was interesting. I tried to hobble to our garden, but that was a feat on its own. Eventually I found a book in the library and retreated to my spot on the couch. I tried to read but was sidetracked with thoughts of how to take it slowly with Peeta. As I sat there thinking my lack of sleep the night prior caught up with me. I wasn't asleep for long, or at least I didn't think so, but I jerked awake when Buttercup crawled across my lap. The sun was beginning to set and I decided to try and find something to eat.

As I hobbled around the kitchen I found some bread Peeta had made, a few scraps of squirrel, and some greens. I made a sandwich of sorts and sat down at the table. I ate my sandwich slowly and eventually put my plate in the sink, leaving it to be cleaned at another time. I made my way back to the couch and sank down. I turned the TV on again and right away, there was Gale. The look on his face showed undeniable anger. As I turned the volume up it appears there had been an assassination attempt on President Paylor. She was in critical condition and Gale was being interviewed along with several other government people concerning what had happened and what they were going to do to the terrorists. Apparently there were still Capitol loyalists who were slowly growing in numbers and bombing places around the Capitol. As the interviewer went back to Gale he had a hardened, almost spiteful, look on his face when he promised that the terrorists would get their just rewards.

I shuddered at his look and turned the TV off. That wasn't the Gale I knew. But maybe he had changed. I sat there thinking about him. Even though his entire family was intact, Gale still held such contempt for the Capitol. Peeta's entire family was destroyed when the Capitol fire bombed our district and was even tortured at their hands. And yet, he didn't wish harm against them. When we voted on whether or not to continue the Games using children from the Capitol Peeta voted no. And then the memory came back to me quickly. I had voted yes. I had let the same fire that consumes Gale consume me and seek revenge against the Capitol.

As I sat there in the darkness thinking of the fire I shared with Gale versus the calm I felt with Peeta, I couldn't help but feel the pit in my stomach return strongly. How could I imagine my life without Peeta? He helped me come out of my deep depression when he reentered my life. Gale only frustrated me and made me think of Prim, driving me back into my depression. Gale himself was right; I would choose the one I could not survive without. That was Peeta.


	25. Chapter 25

When Peeta came in that evening I looked at his sullen face and quickly averted my eyes, staring at the ground so as not to make eye contact. I was embarrassed by my actions last night and this morning. He threw his keys on the table and kicked his shoes off as he took off his coat. I could tell he was looking at me, but I didn't want to look up. So I focused on the spot in the couch next to me. Walking past me towards the stairs he finally stopped, after patting the frame of the door leading up to the stairs.

"How was your day?" He asked briefly. I mumbled an almost silent answer, still embarrassed and looking down, and he sighed and began heading upstairs, apparently unable to hear me. I quickly thought of what Haymitch had said about Peeta leaving if he wasn't happy and I piped up quickly. "I'm sorry" was all I could get out. I tried to stand but sitting most of the day had taken its toll on me and it was a laborious task. Peeta trudged back downstairs. "What?" he questioned. "I said I'm sorry." "For what?" he asked. I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or sincere but decided to err on the side of caution.

"I'm sorry I've been a jerk. I'm sorry I've been acting the way I have. I just…" He came and sat on the opposite end of the couch. "I'm afraid of going too fast." "What are you talking about? I thought we were taking it slowly enough when it came to… _that_." "I don't mean in regards to that," I said. "I just don't want to rush into anything. I don't want either of us to wake up twenty years from now and be miserable because we're stuck with someone and the rose-colored glasses have finally come off." "What are you talking about, Katniss? I'm sorry if I'm not what you want," he said defensively. This was not how I wanted this conversation to go. "But if you are unhappy now, then maybe I should leave to make you happier," he said dejectedly. "It's not that," I said, finally making eye contact with him. There was distinct pain there.

"I don't want you to be disappointed with _me_," I explained. His look changed and he scooted closer. "Why would I _ever_ be disappointed in you? Sure we might disagree, but why would I be disappointed?" "Because I swear! Because I'm broken! I don't want to rob you of a happy life!" I said, suddenly becoming exasperated by this conversation. He gave me a confused look. "Because you swear? I swear too. Plus, this may come as a surprise, but we're both broken." He wasn't getting it "Peeta, I don't want kids! I never have and I probably never will! Even if you were to ever want to marry me, I wouldn't give you what you want most. I'd feel horrible if I robbed you of a happy life simply because I don't want kids. You deserve better than that!"

He scooted close to me and cupped his hand on my face. "You've already given me more than I could have hoped for, Katniss." I hung my head and began to cry. "But what about kids? You're one of those people who are meant to have children. I… I'm SO not. Besides, everything is so uncertain. Who knows what could happen? Just on the news tonight, they said…" Peeta cut me off and covered my mouth with a few fingers. He leaned in and whispered, "Katniss, if we never have kids, I'll still have a happy life. Don't you understand? You're all I need to have a happy life. Kids would just be a bonus." He smiled faintly and I slowly returned the smile before leaning in to kiss him. Eventually he scooped me up in his arms and carried me upstairs stopping every once in a while as I winced from my casted foot hitting the railing of the stairs. When we finally made it into our room he set me gently on the bed and lay beside me.

He began running his fingers through my hair as he spoke. "If you're worried we're going too fast, that's fine. I don't want to pressure you to go any faster in our relationship than you're ready for, okay? I guess in my mind I've been in love with you since I can remember," he smiled, " and I've been dreaming about an actual relationship with you for so long, I'm excited to speed things up and see it all unfold. Even if it has hit a few snags here and there," he said with a wink. "But," he continued, "I waited eleven years for you to finally kiss me; I can wait fifteen more if you want me to." We smiled and he pulled me in closer, my head finally settling on his chest as he rubbed my back and ran his fingers through my hair. Eventually I fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning my shoe was off and Peeta was changed into regular pajamas. After briefly wondering what he was doing here so late in the day I realized it was the weekend and he would be home the entire day. I moved to snuggle closer into him, accidently hitting him with my cast, and he quickly woke up to look at me and finally settle back onto his pillow, pulling me in closer again as he closed his eyes and smiled. After a peck on the top of my head he quickly returned to sleep as I lay there thinking about my behavior from the previous few days and became embarrassed.

Sure Peeta and I had our occasional arguments, but they were usually quickly resolved as he would apologize for whatever caused the argument, even though it was typically my fault. Even when he was upset, he would go paint in the study for an hour or two and then quickly do his best to make amends whereas I would stew over things unnecessarily long, leaving him in silence for the better part of the day. But this was different than other times. When I brought up the fact that I didn't want children there was pain in his eyes even if he said it wasn't an issue. But I knew I couldn't bend on the issue. Things were still way too uncertain in Panem. I didn't want Snow's remaining followers to find us and hurt us, much less any children we would have. I couldn't risk it. I had already lost Prim and I didn't want to lose anyone else I had loved and cared so much for. I was conflicted to I scooted away from Peeta and clumsily got out of bed.

I made my way to the bathroom where I sat for a while, thinking about everything. Eventually I decided to take a bath and soak. The doctor had given me a cast that could withstand water so I set the water to the warmest setting I could and lowered myself into the water. As I rested in the warm bath I thought about Peeta. How could he be happy with me? He was more than I could have hoped for, so maybe I should just go along with it as long as I could. But how could he not see all the red flags saying he should quit me and find someone more deserving? The warm became cool and I drained it. As I slowly got out of the tub I heard Peeta knocking on the door, "Katniss, are you okay? Do you need any help?" "No, I'm okay. I'm getting out."

As I reached for my towel I quickly regretted my words as I tumbled to the ground, creating quite a bit of noise. "Katniss!" Peeta yelled from the other side of the door, "Are you okay? Let me in." "I'm fine, I just slipped and fell. Besides, I'm naked. It may be too much for your innocent eyes," I laughed as I gripped onto the counter and wall trying to stand. I eventually bent down for my towel and wrapped it around myself. I opened the door to see Peeta anxiously standing. "See?" I said with my arms out stretched, "I'm okay." "No you're not," he said as my pointed to my bleeding knee. "Let me clean that," he continued as he entered the bathroom to get another towel and bandages. I sat on the bed, wet and gripping the towel around me, as he knelt down and bandaged my knee. There was a definite look of concern in his face but he smiled up at me when he finished and got up to excuse himself. "I started breakfast downstairs, so get dressed and I'll see you down there, okay?"

As he left the room I did as he said and combed my tangled hair. I didn't bother braiding it though. Given the heat of the day I felt the wetness would help keep me cool. I cautiously made my way downstairs, although the noise created easily rivaled Peeta's normal amount. He smiled as I sat down in the chair and put a plate with eggs, toast and fruit in front of me. He sat beside me and asked what I wanted to do that day. As I shrugged, trying to think of what I could do in my limited state he jokingly threw out the idea of swimming to which I simply shook my head. It was decided that we would head out to the meadow. Peeta wanted to paint outside and I could use the air.

As he carried a backpack full of his art supplies and picnic items for us on his back, one arm carried his canvas and easel, the other held out for me to use. I hated using my crutches so he only made me use one if I held onto him with my other. As we found a clearing with shorter grass he spread out a blanket and helped me get situated before he unpacked his bag and set up his easel. The weather was perfect for hunting and I wished I could go hunting the woods, but I knew that was not a possibility. So I satisfied myself by eating some of the cookies Peeta had packed and watching as he began a beautiful painting of the meadow. It looked identical to the one we were sitting in except that there was also a quaint little home in the middle of it.

"What house is that?" I asked curiously when Peeta finally joined me on the blanket. "Oh, just one I imagined in this spot," he said nonchalantly. "I think it looks nice, don't you?" he continued. The idea of living somewhere other than Victor's Village had never occurred to me, but the idea made me feel happy for once that day. The thought of setting up a house that had no ties to the Games made me feel happy. Even though I had adjusted to my house in Victor's Village, it never felt like it was _my_ home. Peeta living there made it easier, but it was never _mine_. I was constantly reminded that I had it because I had won the Hunger Games when I walked around town and saw others' much smaller but nice homes that had been rebuilt. Add that to the ghosts of Prim I felt when I was home alone and at times it was unbearable to live there. I was grateful I had it, but resented it. A new home would be perfect. I just didn't tell Peeta that.

"I think it looks very nice," I answered as I bit into another cookie.


	26. Chapter 26

**Thanks for the reviews, everyone! I really do appreciate reading your thoughts and suggestions. In particular, someone suggested I make the conversations easier to read by breaking them up; sounds good to me. We'll see how it goes. Thanks again and please continue to send your reviews!**

More than a month has passed since I broke my ankle. I've felt incredibly restricted most days while Peeta was at work but in the evenings he would make me get up and go for a walk with him around Victor's Village. My ankle feels better and while it still hurts to walk on I am ready for the doctor to take my cast off next week. Things have been a bit different between Peeta and me as well. Our relationship has become more friendly than romantic. We still kissed, but there was a bit more restrain on Peeta's part, as if he was wary of getting too involved. At first I minded, but I chalked it up to his apprehension with me. I didn't blame him. Now that he knew my thoughts on having children, I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to stay. Especially given how unstable I had been this past month.

Even though he won't admit it, I know I've reverted a bit. Sitting in the house most of the day has taken its toll on me. I've become miserable with myself and my inability to do a lot of the things I enjoy. Some days I won't take a shower or bathe because I don't have the energy to. So I sit on the couch and stare out the window watching the world pass me by, wishing I could sleep and never wake up again. Some days I wish I could want children and make Peeta happy, but those thoughts tend to make me think of Prim and lead me to crying in her bed. Days and evenings spent with Peeta help lift my spirits, but I notice when he walks in the door on the days I've spent immobile on the couch or crying in Prim's bed that his mood drops a bit and he has to try extra hard to lift my spirits. He never asked what the problem was, he simply found me huddled on the couch or on Prim's bed, pulled me onto his lap and rubbed my back until I began to come back to reality.

Today had been spent in Prim's room. I wished she was here. She made sense of my stupid choices and was always more mature than I was. I wish she could talk some sense into me. But instead she had been burned to death trying to save some of the Capitol children. She was dead. She would never have any children. She wouldn't be able to pass on her nurturing instincts. And here I was, someone who didn't want children robbing a boy who did want them. How could I be so selfish? I felt the bed dip next to me as Peeta pulled me close to him and began rubbing my back.

"How's it going?" he asked softly.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay, you don't have to," he continued as he increased the pressure with which he rubbed my back. Eventually I rested my head on his shoulder and let out a long sigh.

"I'm sorry I'm like this," I said softly.

"It's okay. We're working on it. Soon you'll be able to get out of the house more and maybe that will help you feel less sad?" he suggested. I laughed at the idea. Sometimes I wondered if my depression was brought on by my injury or if I was slowly losing my mind. "Come on, let's get something to eat," he said as he slid me off his lap and stood, holding his hand out for me. I grabbed his hand and slowly followed him to the kitchen where I sat down at the table.

I stared at the table as I heard Peeta fix dinner. A few minutes later he set a plate before me. It was a sandwich made of fresh bread from the bakery, some dandelion greens and rabbit meat Vick had brought by earlier in the week. I reluctantly took a bite and was greeted back to reality by the delicious taste. I quickly ate the whole sandwich and a slow smile spread on Peeta's face as he chewed his food. When he finished he picked up our plates and put them in the sink. He reached his hand out for mine and smiled, waiting for me to reach for him. I returned his smile and took his hand as he helped me stand.

"Ready for our walk?" he said.

"Sure."

"Do you think you're okay enough to go somewhere else tonight?"

"Umm… Sure," I responded, unsure of where we would be headed.

We headed out the door and Peeta kept a strong grip on me as I cautiously made my way down the steps. Instead of turning right like we usually did, we turned left towards the meadow and the woods. Once we left the last few houses behind I smelled the unmistakable smell of pine and my heart sped up. I couldn't help but take several deep gulps. Peeta smiled and continued walking. Eventually he stopped, which I appreciated since I hadn't walked quite so much in a while. We were in the meadow and the smell of the flowers mixed with the pine was heavenly. The sun had already set but in the faint light I imagined the house Peeta had painted.

"Do you remember the house you painted? The one in the meadow?" I asked.

"Yeah, of course. Why?" he responded curiously.

"I was just thinking about it. I think it would be neat."

"Oh yeah?"

I simply nodded my head, suddenly uncomfortable carrying on the conversation and asked if we were going to the woods. He nodded and we continued walking towards them. A few minutes later we stopped outside of the gate and Peeta held it open while helping me through. We didn't walk very far into the woods since it was dark and we would both be useless in trying to fend off any animals. But we sat down on a rock and sat there, enjoying the sounds and smells of the woods.

"Katniss," Peeta said after a few minutes, "I want you to be happy. I know you don't want to tell me and you don't have to, but is there anything I can do to make things easier for you? It makes me feel useless not knowing how to help you."

I sat there silently. I was embarrassed by how much Peeta was affected by my mood swings. How could I have been so selfish as to not even consider how they affected him? I hung my head and shrugged. "I don't know. I wish I knew what to do." He reached over and rubbed my back like he had done earlier that evening. Eventually he stood up and held his hand out to me, helping me stand and steady myself before we headed back home.

That night when we went to bed I curled up against his warm body and tried to think of how I could work against these moods. Eventually before I fell asleep I decided to call two people the next day: Dr. Aurelius and my mother.

The next day I was resolved to not let myself sink into my depression. I avoided the couch and sat on a stool in the kitchen as I called them both. The conversation with Dr. Aurelius was clinical and familiar. As I explained my days he listened and eventually gave me a few constructive ideas that involved going with Peeta to the bakery, visiting Haymitch, and finding a hobby other than hunting. He also said he would send some medicine that would help while I waited for my ankle to heal entirely.

The conversation with my mother was a bit more difficult. It was a strange combination of clinical, like it had been with Dr. Aurelius, but also motherly. Why was I afraid of having children? What could we both do to help us heal from Prim's death since we both struggled with it? I tried to explain my feelings but it was difficult. Finally exasperated, my mother suggested I start a journal to see if I could get my feelings in some kind of order there. We said our goodbyes and I couldn't help but feel a bit miffed at both of their suggestions. How could a journal help me feel better? How would visiting people and picking up a hobby help me with my wish to die? I sat on the stool until I couldn't feel my bottom anymore and finally slid off, deciding to take a shower and head over to Haymitch and Sae's.

As I stood in the warm shower I thought of the journal idea. The book Peeta, Haymitch and I had created and continue to add to was helpful. I switched my plans and decided to try and head to the bookstore instead of Haymitch's. As I dressed and put my hair into its braid I grew tired and decided to take a break before heading outside. I went downstairs and sat on the couch to rest a bit. I closed my eyes thinking I would take a quick nap but woke up at around 6 o'clock instead when Peeta entered. When he saw me sprawled on the couch the look on his face dropped a little. I imagine he was afraid I had been in one of my depressed moods again.

"Hi," I said, trying to talk in my happiest tone.

"Hi," he said warily as he sat down next to me.

"Sorry, I took a nap. I planned to head to town but…" The expression on his face changed to one of surprise.

"Oh? Why were you heading there? Did you get a sudden burst of energy or something?" He asked with a smile.

"No. Well, kind of. I spoke with my mom and Dr. Aurelius this morning."

"What did they say?"

"They had some ideas to help me. I think they're ridiculous. But it might be worth a try," I said nonchalantly.

"Care to share some of the ideas?" he asked.

I listed each one hesitantly and he nodded after each one. "I think those are great ideas, Katniss. Do you want to come with me to town tomorrow?"

"Oh gosh, Peeta, I'd more of a hindrance than anything else. You know that. These ideas are nonsense!" I shot out.

He shrugged, "Maybe. But maybe not. You never know unless you try. Come with me. You can even come to my baking class. You can make it your new hobby."

With that we moved to the table where Peeta opened a box with a variety of breads and pastries. "These were going to be thrown out. I thought I'd bring them home," he explained. We dug in and I enjoyed several delicious cheese buns and berry-filled pastries. As we sat back patting our full stomachs Peeta smiled at me and asked if I wanted to go for our walk. I nodded. "Can we go where we went last night?" I asked hastily. He smiled and nodded.

That night as we walked towards the woods we stopped near the meadow to take a short break.

"If you had a house there," Peeta asked, "what would you want it to look like?"

I hadn't thought much about what the house would look like. I just liked the idea. "I don't know. What would you want it to look like?"

Peeta smiled and began painting a verbal picture, helping me imagine a home that was smaller and less formal than the one we lived in but brighter, cozier and somewhere that sounded unlike anything I had lived in before. It sounded heavenly to me. I nodded as he questioned whether I liked it or not and then we slowly made our way to the woods as I continued to imagine this house in the meadow.


	27. Chapter 27

**Thanks for the reviews! Let me know what you think of this chapter. I worry sometimes that I lose the characters and make them different from how they are in the series and I'm afraid I may be doing that especially with Katniss, so let me know what you think. Thanks again!**

The next morning and the rest of the week Peeta drags me along into a routine. Each day I wake up mid-morning after Peeta's left for work, he comes home around noon to come home and walk me to the bakery, and I sit at a table there eating cheese buns and watching him interact flawlessly while I sit, scowling at the people who stare at me sitting there. Later he teaches his classes- his art class is my favorite to sit through—and then we'll walk home; Peeta half dragging me because I am exhausted by the end of the day. We haven't taken our walk to the woods but Peeta has promised we'll head out there this weekend. I don't mind Peeta's company, but being around so many people can be taxing.

I notice when women look in my direction and whisper. It's difficult to not imagine they're wondering if I'm still crazy or what Peeta is still doing with me. I don't blame them. I am still crazy and I don't know what Peeta's doing with me. It's obvious he's a better adjusted person and I've never been his equal. It's almost painful for me to see Peeta interact with the children he teaches because I know he wants them and I don't. He hasn't brought it up since I mentioned it before, but I know he must think of it. But each night when we go home and sit down he rubs my back and promises the next day will be better.

The days have passed and it's time to get my cast removed. Peeta took the day off and we headed to the clinic. The doctor had an X-ray run to see how my ankle was and after he was satisfied with my progress they removed it. It felt good to have the extra weight off of my body but I still limped about the room awkwardly. The doctor then began discussing exercises I would be doing at home and where I would need to start going to see a physical therapist. Neither sounded particularly enjoyable but I gave in, hoping that a willing patient would mean a speedier recovery for me and a quicker return to hunting.

We stopped by the bakery after the doctor's and Daigle and Benny and Brock, two brothers Peeta had recently hired, were busily helping customers. Some turned to Peeta when he entered, a bit flustered by the lack of experience the boys displayed, so Peeta held up his hands jokingly and said he was off for the day. I nodded towards the counter and hobbled to a table where I sat while Peeta put on an apron and helped the boys until the crowd died down.

"Sorry Mr. Mellark," Benny said sheepishly.

"It's okay," Peeta said kindly. "you guys are still getting the hang of it. Now Daigle on the other hand," he said jokingly, shaking a fist at the blushing boy. "I'm just kidding."

He continued asking them how sales were and if they needed help with anything else to which they shook their heads no. He snuck back to the bakery itself and brought out a few warm treats which we ate on the spot. The boys were busy cleaning and arranging things so Peeta got up and got us a few cups of cold milk from the freezer.

"I don't feel bad stealing from my own stash since I own the place," he said nonchalantly as he returned.

The cold milk tasted delicious with the creamy danish I was eating and I couldn't help but smile. Peeta noticed my change in mood and smiled back before throwing out an idea.

"Want to go to the bookstore to get that journal?"

I hadn't thought about the journal and my smile quickly fell.

"Umm… Sure, we can do that." I said as I gulped the last of my milk down.

Peeta gave me a faint smile and carried out plates and cups to the back to wash them. When he returned we waved to the boys and left. Althgouh walking was decidedly easier without my cast it was still cumbersome and tiring. Luckily the bookstore wasn't too far away though so we made it there in a few minutes. Walking inside of the building for the first time I was impressed by the large array of books it had. I walked towards a stack of new books that looked interesting until I picked up the top book;_ History of the Rebellion_ by Markel Linford. On the cover was a picture of myself in the Mockingjay uniform Cinna had created. I quickly dropped the book and looked for Peeta who was on the other side of the store looking at cookbooks.

"Are you okay?" He asked as I approached him, trying not to scream or cry after seeing the book.

"Can we just find a journal and leave?" I asked quickly.

"Yeah, they're over there. Do you want me to go with you?" he asked.

I nodded and he put down the book he was looking at and helped me to the journals. I picked up the first one I found and we made our way to the front. We passed the stack of books I had previously looked at and Peeta's eyes fell across the book I had thrown down before hastily finding him. We paid for the book and began on our way home.

"Was it because of that book?" He asked after we had walked in silence for some ten minutes.

I nodded and kept my lips tightly shut. We eventually made it home and I plopped down on the couch while Peeta set down the bag and helped me put my feet up on a pillow. After removing his shoes he came and sat by me, resting my feet on his lap.

"I'm sorry you saw that," he began.

"Had you seen it before?" I asked, my anger escaping in my tone.

"No. I had heard of it though," he responded. "I didn't bother looking at it. They say the lady who wrote it was a gossip columnist from the Capitol, so who knows what kind of garbage is in it," he explained as he began to rub my tired feet.

I set my head back on the pillow and closed my eyes. Who was this woman? Why was she using me to sell her book? I felt exploited like I had been by the Capitol during the Games although to an obviously lesser degree.

"Why can't people just leave me alone?" I threw out. I kept my eyes closed but I knew Peeta was looking at me.

"Because of who you are. I'm not saying they're right for it. But you are unfortunately an easy target," he said. It did not help my mood.

"What's that supposed to mean, Peeta?" I said in an incensed tone.

"Well," he said, trying to approach the issue as delicately as he could, "you've all but disappeared since… the assassination. For all some people know, you're dead or just crazy." I shot him my dirtiest look and he continued. "Maybe if you showed them you weren't it would help and they would leave you alone?"

This tipped me off the edge. I swung my feet down from his touch and put them on the ground, turning to him.

"No, Peeta. Engaging them will only make it worse. The best thing I could do is disappear. Or even better, maybe I should have just died with the bombings that day when Prim died!" I yelled.

He faced me and his compassionate expression changed to one of pursed lips and a tight grip on my shoulders.

"Don't you ever say that again, Katniss Everdeen! I'm tired of you wishing you were dead. Don't you realize it's not just your life that would be ruined if you had died? Why can't you understand that? I'm not saying I'm right about talking with that Linford lady or anyone else. But you can't stay like this forever. Life is moving forward whether you want it to or not. You didn't give up after your father died. Don't give up now. You're a survivor. You can't go around living in a haze though. I don't know what happened between today and a few months ago, but you need to come back. Please. For me," he said.

It was obvious tears were forming in his eyes and his voice became a little shaky, but I couldn't sit there. I had been selfish. I stood and began hobbling to the stairs, hoping he wouldn't follow me. I eventually made my way to the bathroom where I quickly threw off my clothes and climbed into the tub. I sobbed as I thought of how stubborn and selfish I had been. I heard Peeta knock at the door but I told him to go away.

I lay in the tub crying and wishing away any of the feelings I had left in me. But I realized this wouldn't happen. Instead I simply drained the tub and left the bathroom. As I walked into the bedroom Peeta wasn't there which made me feel a bit relieved. I didn't want to face him. He was right without saying it; I was selfish which only made me feel worse. But coming out of the funk this time was harder. It didn't matter that Peeta was there. Sure he made it easier, but it didn't mean that everything would be happy all the time. I began to dry off and change when the door opened behind me.

"Whoa! Sorry!" Peeta yelled as he quickly shut the door

"It's… Okay, I guess. Just give me a few minutes. And learn to knock next time." I said as I quickly finished and said he could come in.

"Don't worry, I've learned," he said sheepishly as he entered again, not making eye contact with me.

I let out a short laugh and sat on the bed next to him.

"I'm sorry." I said.

"It's fine, Katniss." He said, reaching for my hand. "I just don't want to lose you again. Please just don't go back to that place," he finished as he brought my hand to his lips.

We sat there in silence, his arm around my shoulder as the other held my hand, until our stomachs began to grumble.

"Are you hungry?" he asked.

I nodded yes and he took my hand, helping me stand up.

"Let's go out to eat tonight," he said.

I curiously followed him as we left the house and walked next door to Haymitch's house. Sae had fixed a delicious meal with lamb, potatoes, vegetables, and a loaf of bread Peeta had obviously made.

"What is this spread for?" I asked curiously as we walked in the back door.

"It'd Haymitch's birthday," Sae said.

I then noticed a small cake simply decorated on the counter and a bottle of alcohol next to it. Obviously it had been his birthday; Sae would never allow the drink in the house otherwise. How could I have not known it was his birthday? Had I really been so wrapped up in myself that I didn't remember?

Haymitch came into the room with Sadie. I guess I hadn't seen her in a while because she was noticeably taller since the last time I had seen her. Her curly dark hair still hung down her back and you would think she was a regular child until she began to speak little a child half her age. But Haymitch was patient with her as they walked to the table. Peeta pulled out a chair for me and helped Sae carry the dishes to the table.

Everyone sat down and Haymitch nonchalantly began a conversation while stabbing a piece of lamb with his fork.

"Good to see you back in the real world, Sweetheart." He said.

I started to scowl as him but then remembered how self-absorbed I'd been recently and faked a smile in his direction. He simply laughed and began serving himself and Sadie as the rest of us served ourselves. The meal was delicious and spicy. I suppose since he couldn't have his strong liquor burn his throat he had learned to settle with spicy foods to burn his mouth. After we finished Sae brough out Peeta's cake. It was one I had heard of before but never had. It was a cake soaked in rum. It was quite delicious. Sae only cut a tiny piece for the girl but Haymitch had more than his share of the cake as he devoured every drunken slice.

After dinner Peeta stood to clean the dishes and Sae brought Sadie upstairs for bed. I sat at the table watching Haymitch eye the bottle of alcohol on the counter.

"So tell me, how's the foot feeling," Haymitch asked.

"Fine," I said, not wanting to incite any further questions. It didn't work.

"How have _you_ been feeling?" He asked.

I couldn't help but get a little defensive. "What's with all the questions?"

"I'm just wondering," was all he said.

Peeta sat down a few minutes later and brought the bottle and a cup for Haymitch with him.

"Thank you, my boy," Haymitch said as he took the items more than willingly from Peeta.

Peeta looked at me with a cautious smile and I smiled back.

"Haymitch Abernathy!" Sae called out as she entered the room.

"Hey, the boy gave it to me for my birthday. The least I could do is show my appreciation." Was all he said as he quickly downed his first glass and began to pour another.

The old woman sat down next to me and narrowed her eyes as she looked at Haymitch gingerly drink his second glass. She shook her head and turned to me.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

I felt less defensive when she asked and simply shrugged. The woman's look of concern intensified and she pried some more.

"Are you sure? You aren't looking too well. Is there anything you need?" she continued.

I couldn't help but snap. "Look, I'm fine. Everyone, I'm fine. I wish you could believe me."

Haymitch piped up, "You aren't fooling us, girly girl. If you weren't so damn self-absorbed you might actually let people help you."

I shot a look at Peeta. What had he told them? It's obvious he interacted with them more than I knew since I didn't even know about the dinner tonight. He simply looked down at the table.

"I'm broken and can't be fixed. There, that's all. So unless one of you can magically heal me, it's probably in your own interest to leave it alone." I shot out before standing and trying to leave.

"Sit down!" Haymitch yelled as I reached to open the door. "Peeta may not give you tough love, but I sure as hell have no problem saying this. You are just an ungrateful kid, you know that? Things might not be so bad if you took one goddamn second and thought about what you do have that most people don't. Do you even realize it? You're lucky you're even alive, much less how many people sacrificed their lives so you could keep yours."

"Look, I don't need to hear about-" I began, my tone matching his.

"Yes you do!" He continued. "If you actually cared about those people you'd thank your lucky stars you're alive. You'd actually live your life so theirs weren't wasted on someone as ungrateful as you."

The words stung. Before I could take any more I opened the door and hobbled back to my home as quickly as I could. The tears began to spill as I climbed the stairs and slammed the door shut behind me. I climbed into bed, kicked my shoe off and pulled the cover up above my face, sobbing loudly. Haymitch was right.

Peeta came up a few minutes later and tried to pull the sheet down but I clutched it tightly and told him to leave me alone. He got up to change and came back to the bed a few minutes later and climbed under the sheets. We lay there for what felt like a few hours. Finally after my tears tried I got up out of the bed and began to go to the door.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Downstairs. Don't worry. Just go to sleep." I answered.

I closed the door behind me and made my way downstairs. I fumbled around in the dark before turning a light on and finding the bag. I grabbed a pen from one of the kitchen drawers and sat down at the table. I pulled the journal out from the bag and stared at the first page for a while. Finally I started to write. At the top of the page I wrote the title for my list: things I am grateful for. At first it was hard to think of anything and I worried that I was more ungrateful than Haymitch even imagined. Until finally the list began.

Peeta Mellark


	28. Chapter 28

I woke up the next morning when Peeta patted me on my shoulder.

"Katniss? You okay?" he asked in a groggy voice.

I jerked away and looked at him. It was still early enough that the sun hadn't completely risen. Peeta pulled up the chair next to me and began rubbing my back as I massaged the pain in my neck.

"Why did you sleep down here?" he continued, his voice a little stronger.

"I didn't mean to," I trailed off.

He noticed the journal and pulled it out from under my elbow. The book was still open where I had left off. I hadn't written a huge list, but it filled the better part of a page. He quickly glanced at it and gave a faint smile before turning to me.

"How's your ankle? Do you feel up to doing your exercises yet or do you want to wait?" he asked.

I shook my head and pushed away from the table, trying to test my ankle to see how it felt with weight on it. I quickly realized it was a poor choice and winced from the pain. Peeta helped me stand up and led me to the couch where he helped me prop up my feet and grabbed a blanket to cover me. He inspected my ankle which was a little swollen and prepared a few ice packs to rest on it.

"Just leave these here and rest while I go get ready. I'll be back down shortly." He said.

I dozed off quickly and was awoken a few minutes later by Peeta as he quietly tried to remove the pack and cover my foot again without waking me. I moaned a little and he turned to me, giving me a smile.

"You rest and I'll come by for lunch so we can do your exercises, okay? Then, if you're up to it, you can come back with me to the bakery?" he suggested.

I nodded and he left after giving me a soft kiss on my forehead. Within moments I was asleep again. I was quickly overcome by a nightmare. But it was not as violent as others had been. Instead of burning or mutts I was greeted by the weeping dead. They accused me of using them and wasting their lives. Although they didn't physically hurt me, their words cut deeply into me. I awoke, sobbing and clutching a pillow that I had been resting against. I looked at the clock on the wall and noticed Peeta would not be home for a few more hours. But I couldn't sleep. So instead I hobbled to the table, grabbed my journal and pen, and propped myself up on the couch again.

I clutched the book closely to my chest and tried to erase the latest nightmare. I decided I would add to my list. I continued my list. Many of the people I had listed, but I had only done so in general terms. I slowly began giving details for why I was grateful for each of them and soon noticed tear drops falling on the page. I quickly wiped them away and stared at my book. A warm feeling crept up the back of my neck and I soon felt very comfortable. Not just in regards to my ankle and being in a blanket, but I began to feel a little bit of release of the pain I had been carrying. It was still there, but I felt like some of it had been lifted. The emotions drained me a bit and soon after I closed my book and set it on the ground. I laid my head back down against the pillow and fell asleep.

I awoke when Peeta brushed the hair out of my face and stared at me with a smile on his face.

"How do you feel?" He asked.

I returned his smile and simply said, "Better."

He helped me stand up and my ankle felt a bit better than it had this morning. I sat back down and we began to go through the exercises the doctor had asked me to go through yesterday. They were painful, but I gritted my teeth together.

"If I do it, I'll be outside sooner," I kept telling myself.

Afterwards Peeta looked at me cautiously and asked, "Are you up to heading with me to the bakery?"

I bit my lower lip as we finished the last exercise and nodded. I wanted to get out of the house. He helped me upstairs to the bedroom and left me there so I could change. Peeta informed me that it was especially warm that day so I decided against pants and wore a skirt Zenobia had me buy last year. I felt like an animal in a tuxedo, but I was already warm following those exercises and didn't want the added heat from the pants making me warmer. I opened the door and Peeta pursed his lips together in a smile as though he was trying not to say something and nodded. I shot him a dirty look and he held his arm out for me.

We walked through the town and I couldn't help but notice people looking at us. I simply looked down at the ground while Peeta continued towards the bakery, smiling and waving at people. After what felt like a very long time we entered the bakery. Peeta helped me get situated at a table and winked as he turned to leave. I smiled back in his direction and quickly noticed a group on women looking at me disdainfully as Peeta approached them at the counter. I quickly looked down and reached into my pack for the journal and pen I had brought; hoping they would look away.

I sat there silently wondering what I would write about. I opened my book and began reading over what I had listed. I laughed at a few as the sloppy handwriting illustrated that I had obviously begun to fall asleep. I sat there for a few more moments wanting to write something but struggled when I looked up to see the same women looking at me as they ate a few tables away. I gave them a quick scowl and they looked back to each other and began to chatter like a pack of little animals. As I turned to look away I saw Peeta approaching me with a plate and glass of milk. My mind was easily diverted as he sat down and handed me my treat.

"For being a good patient this morning," he winked.

I laughed and couldn't help but respond, "well if this is what I get I'll make sure to injure myself and be a good patient more often!"

We laughed and I began to eat the muffin he had brought over.

"Who are those women?" I asked, nodding towards the group.

"Oh, some women who moved here from Ten. They're pretty nice." He said.

I shot him a skeptical look at his last statement and he shrugged, "well, to me at least."

I tried to think back. Ten produced livestock. I've never even met these women. What would they have against me? I tried to think and laughed to myself. Would they not like me because of the business I ran with Vick? The idea made me chuckle and I brushed it off when Peeta questioned my laughter. He stood up and gave me a quick peck on the lips before heading back to work.

I quickly wrote in my book:

60) Silly women- so that I can feel better about myself.

I began listing other things that some might not see a reason to be grateful for and laughed at a few of the ideas. I smiled to myself when I had written down close to eighty ideas. I took a bite of my muffin and noticed the women were gone. I smiled to myself and stared out the window for a while thinking about what Haymitch had said. I did feel better when I tried to be thankful for what I had. I made a promise to try and show it more often.

That evening as we walked home later following Peeta's baking class we strolled in through the front door laughing as we tried to relive the moment when I proved I was most definitely not a baker. It involved confusing salt for sugar and the fact that one of my fellow students nearly choked after eating a sugar cookie I had made. As we closed the front door Peeta pulled me in closely and squeezed me tightly.

"How was today?" he asked

"Better," was all I could say as I smiled up at him.

We broke apart as I walked to try and prepare something for dinner. I began sarcastically explaining how I was a better cook than baker when I heard something fall to the ground. I turned and noticed Peeta had knocked over a picture frame. I went towards his kneeling body trying to think of a joke but stopped short as I noticed he was gripping the sides of the bookshelf it had been resting on. His eyes were closed and the knuckles in his hands were white as he gripped onto the piece. I cautiously approached him and reached out to touch him. He quickly grabbed my wrist in a tight grip.

With a clenched jaw he let out the words, "Go away you mutt."

I tried to break free from his grip but his grew tighter and tighter. I tried to get him to open his eyes but he wouldn't.

"On second thought," he continued, "stay right here. I owe you." He said as he reached for my other wrist.

I kicked him in the back of his knee and he fell to the ground, releasing my wrist as he broke his fall. I quickly stepped back, feeling the pain in my ankle in the process, and pressed my back against the counter as he continued yelling at me. I thought this was over. How foolish could I have been? Of course Peeta would still have flashbacks. As he stood to come towards me I grabbed the nearest object I could find and held it out as if it was a weapon.

"Great," I thought to myself as I held out the pen I had used earlier that day, "A lot of good this will do me."

He laughed and slowly began walking towards me.

"Peeta, whatever you're seeing isn't real. It's not. I am real. I would never hurt you. Ever," I began, my voice shaking.

He reached out for me and grabbed me by both arms, pushing me against the counter. He pushed me again, very hard, and my head snapped back quickly, hitting one of the cabinet doors. As I let out a yelp of pain I looked back, trying to make eye contact with him.

"Peeta, this isn't you. I lo-" I began, but he covered my mouth with his hands.

"Shut up! I know you did it. You told them to bomb 12. You never cared about anyone but yourself. You wanted to break all of us. Just like Snow. You always thought you were better than everyone else," He yelled.

I bit his hand and he stepped back quickly. As he quickly examined his hand I grabbed a pan that had been on the stove and hit him over the head with it. He let out a moan as he fell to the floor. I dropped the pan and fell to my knees next to him.

"Peeta? Peeta, are you okay?" I asked as he lay lifeless for a moment.

His eyes open shortly thereafter and the darkness that had filled them moments before was gone. I began crying as I looked at him.

"What? Oh… I'm so sorry Katniss," he said as he began to realize what had just happened.

I continued crying and he pushed himself up so that he was sitting next to me.

"I'm sorry I… What did I do?" He asked. He didn't touch me or try to make eye contact with me although at that point what I wanted was for him to wrap his arms around me. I knew it wasn't him. But the words he spoke were true. I didn't want to hurt anyone, but I was like Snow. I acted as if I was above everyone else. But I knew I wasn't. I continued crying until Peeta read my mind and wrapped his arms around me. We sat there for a while, hugging as I cried.

Eventually we stood and Peeta helped me get up the stairs. As I changed in the bathroom I heard him change in the bedroom. When we met again we quietly got under the covers.

"Look, I'm really sorry I hurt you. I'm not good to you, Katniss." He said.

"It wasn't what you did," I said, "it's what you said. But it was true."

"How could anything I say when I'm like that be true?" he shot back.

"I am selfish. I do think I'm better than everyone else. Peeta, I want to be the ideal person you might think I am. But I'm not. You know it." I said, trying not to make eye contact.

He pulled me so that I was facing him and took my chin in his hand as he spoke.

"Katniss, I never thought you were perfect. Don't flatter yourself," he began with a faint chuckle in his tone. I couldn't help but look down. "But I'm not perfect either. Shoot, with what I just did, I think we've both established the fact that we are both pretty messed up. But Katniss, you're not selfish. Would you have volunteered for your sister if you were selfish? Would you have sacrificed and risked so much to keep your family, or even me in the games, alive if you were selfish?" He gave me a kiss on my forehead and pulled me in again. "Messed up? Yes," he said as he let out a small laugh, "but selfish? No."

I scooted closer into him and laid my head upon his chest. While he quickly fell asleep I stayed up thinking of what he said. There was some truth to it, but I knew I still had a long way to go before I could see myself as not selfish. I eventually fell asleep, lulled away by the sound of Peeta's shallow breathing.


	29. Chapter 29

**Sorry it's been a few days, but here's the next chapter. Let me know what you think, I love reading your reviews! As always, feel free to leave recommendations and advice.**

The next morning I woke up when Peeta began to stir.

"Sorry," he began as he stretched and his prosthetic leg hit my shin.

It didn't really hurt so I just shook my head, indicating that it really wasn't a big deal. We sat in bed for a few moments and I couldn't help but smile to myself when I remembered that it was Saturday and Peeta promised we would be heading to the woods.

"Are you hungry? Do you want something for breakfast?" He began as he stood up next to the bed.

"Yes, but can we take something to the woods? I want to get out sooner rather than later." I said. Then I remembered my goal to be less selfish, "If that's okay with you."

Peeta smiled and ruffled his hair a little to help him wake up and said, "yeah, of course. Let me get started."

With that he headed downstairs and I finally stood up. I made my way to the bathroom and got ready for the day. I made sure to change inside the bathroom before heading out and upon opening the door, Peeta opened the bedroom door.

"I'm baking some muffins. If you want you can get the rest of our meal ready while I shower," he suggested.

I nodded and headed downstairs to finish packing. My ankle was sore, but not impossible, to walk on so I gripped onto the stair railing for dear life. As I made my way around the kitchen preparing our lunch, I began thinking about what Peeta had said the night before and tried to resolve it with how I felt. According to him I wasn't selfish, just messed up. Either option didn't make me feel great, but I guess one was better than the other? No, regardless of what he said, I was selfish. How often had I actually told him thanks for what he did every day? What did I even try to do on a regular basis to help him? I began to sink down into a feeling of depression and confusion when I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"Sorry I took so long," he began as he kissed the top of my head. "Do you need me to grab anything else?"

I turned to face him and answered, "If you want to, get my bag and put a blanket in it. I had the food ready to go. I don't know if you want to bring anything else," I shrugged.

He looked at me with a tilt of his head and a faint, "you okay?"

I smiled and nodded. He returned my smile and left to grab the rest of the things we would need. He returned a few moments later with the items I suggested as well as his art supplies. We packed the food in my bag and Peeta threw it over his back as he grabbed his canvas and easel in one hand and took my hand in his other. I held his art supply box as we slowly made our way towards the woods. To my pleasant surprise we didn't need to take a break at the meadow, but as we passed it I could help but imagine the little house Peeta had drawn. As he noticed me looking in that direction he smiled and asked where I wanted to go in the woods.

"Maybe near the lake?" I suggested.

"You sure you're up to it?" he asked.

I shrugged and nodded. Even if I wasn't, I wanted to go back there. He squeezed my hand and we continued walking towards the lake. While the pain slowly began to grow stronger, I grew more and more determined to make it to the lake. We eventually made it there and Peeta helped me climb up the side of the large rock where we had laid out and eaten only a few weeks ago. He spread out the blanket and helped me sit down following which he spread out his art things before sitting down next to me.

"Want me to help you take your shoes off?" he asked as he bent down towards my feet.

I nodded and bent to try and help without much success since bending my ankle too much hurt so badly. After he helped take my boots off I put them at the far edge of the rock and lay down. I rested my head on my hands and looked up in the sky. The sun wasn't too bright yet but I couldn't help but squint until it was too bright and I had to close my eyes. My heart was near exploding at the happiness I felt. Compared with the sadness that had overcome me recently, my heart felt at peace and overwhelming joy as I lay there in the sun listening to the mockingjays sing, smelled the pine trees and experienced the woods for the first time in what felt like a lifetime.

I opened my eyes to look over at Peeta who had been drawing and noticed he was painting the landscape before us but during the sunset. I sat up to get a better look at the drawing and noticed he had added something else to the scene; a little tent with a fire in front of it.

"What is that?" I said, startling him a little.

"Oh, just a little scene I imagined," he said, trying to brush off my question.

"Just a little scene?" I teased.

He laughed and took a moment to construct his response. "Well, kind of… I guess, no, not really," he replied. "I just really enjoy the lake. It's like a little sanctuary from everywhere else. No one else can come here, and I have fond memories of this place," he said, justifying his drawing.

I smiled back at him, "fond memories, eh?" I teased as I nudged him. He sat down and I bumped him in the shoulder and apologized, "I'm just kidding, Peeta. I agree. This was my secret spot until I brought you here."

"You mean you never brought Gale?" Peeta asked, surprised by the revelation.

I shook my head and took his hand. "No. I don't know that he would have appreciated it as much."

He looked at me and smiled while I stared off across the lake, imagining the tent and fire Peeta had created.

He eventually looked in the same direction as me and threw out a new idea, "We should camp out here some time."

My face lit up but I continued staring off and simply nodded in approval of his idea. He eventually let go of my hand and reached for our lunch. We spread it out before us on the blanket and Peeta and I shared our meal of rabbit sandwiches, carrots, berries, oatmeal cookies, and cold water. After our feast we lay down next to each other on the blanket and shaded our eyes as we stared up into the sky above us.

"You know," I began after a moment, "I can't remember the last time I was this happy." I said as I turned to Peeta.

He turned to face me and smiled. "I'm glad. I want you to be happy. More than anything else, I want you to be happy," he said as he brushed away the hair that had fallen into my face.

I scooted closer to him and turned my back to him, so I could face the lake, while we lay there in the sun with full bellies and smiles across our faces. I soon broke the silence again.

"Peeta, am I good to you?"

The thought had been weighing on my mind over the last day or so but had vanished when we set up our picnic here by the lake. I don't know why it had popped into my head again, but before I could stop myself, the words fell out of my mouth.

He squeezed me tight and pulled me close to him, kissing my ear as he softly said, "Of course you are. You are more than I could have ever hoped for."

"I just... I know we aren't on the same playing field, Peeta, but I still don't want to feel like I'm not good enough." I said, trying to explain myself.

He turned me to face him again and said with a very serious tone, "Katniss, who got us out of the Hunger Games alive? It wasn't me. Please stop thinking you're less than me or not deserving of me. I don't know why you should feel like that. You aren't like other girls waiting for others to save her. You saved me. Just because you need help every once in a while doesn't make you less of a person, it just makes you human. So let me help you since you've already helped me."

"But what about the bread? All the way back in the beginning when we were starving," I said.

"Well what about the song back when we were five years old? You gave me something to work for since that day," he shot back.

"But…" I began, trying to find another retort to his latest argument.

"Give up, Katniss," he said, jokingly, "this is an argument I'm going to win for once."

I spent the rest of the day relaxing on the rock and eating what remained of the cookies while Peeta painted some more scenes of the forest.

"If you can't get out here by yourself the least we can do is bring some of it back home," he explained as he began his second painting.

Towards the end of the day we began to grow hungry and pack up our things. By then the sun was beginning to set. But as Peeta reached for my feet to help me put my shoes back on I stopped him and tugged on his sleeve so he could look at what I saw. A beautiful sunset spread out over the trees. As the colors changed to a beautiful orange, it almost looked as though the trees were a glow. We froze with our necks craned up towards the sky and stayed in that position until it had faded.

The day had been perfect; the weather, the smells, the sounds. If there was a heaven I imagined it was like that day had been. We began walking back home and I was on an emotional high. As we made our way past the meadow, I stopped and pointed out to Peeta.

"There. Let's build a home right there."

He squeezed my hand and simply said, "I was waiting for you to say that."


	30. Chapter 30

**This was an interesting chapter to write. Let me know what you think! Thanks for the reviews!**

The next morning we went back to the woods. As we passed the meadow I couldn't help but look down. Although I meant what I had said about building a house there, I didn't want Peeta to think I was ready to rush forward and do it soon. He squeezed my hand as we walked past it and smiled at me; I returned his smile and kept walking cautiously along the road. We made our way and Peeta asked if I wanted to return to the lake or go elsewhere. The only other place I could think of going was the boulder where Gale and I often met up and relaxed together. But I shook my head. The idea seemed strange and I didn't want to bring Peeta there. So I suggested we return to our spot from the day before.

We set up camp on the large rock but this time Peeta had brought swimsuits for both of us. Although I wouldn't be able to swim like before, I could sit in the water and enjoy its cool feel on my body. We took turns changing behind a set of trees and eventually made our way to the shallow end of the lake. Although it wasn't especially deep on its perimeter, there was one side which was shallower than the others and thus I felt more comfortable there. As we sat down, the cool water sent goose bumps up my entire body and I shivered at the exhilarating feeling.

"Is it too cold?" Peeta asked when I shivered.

I shook my head no and smiled. "No, it's perfect," I said as I began to lie in the water.

He lay beside me and we listened as the wind blew through the trees. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the moment. Going back to our regular routine tomorrow would be difficult but yesterday and today had been a wonderful pick me up to counteract the depression I had been in recently. Peeta stood up, hovering over me to shade my face from the sun.

"I'm going to go swim. Not far, just close. Let me know if you need anything," he said before wading into the water, about waist deep.

I lay down and covered my eyes as I listened to the sound of the moving water as well as the regular sounds of the woods. Luckily, the day was particularly warm so while the water was cool and the breeze was strong, they were welcome. I heard the water stop moving and quickly sat up; afraid Peeta was too confident in his abilities and lost himself beneath the water. I was quickly calmed when he appeared, moments later, several yards away. He saw my concern and smile and waved, reassuring me he was okay before wading towards me.

"Do you want to come in? You can just float and I'll make sure you're steady," he suggested.

The idea sounded too good to pass up as my body was craving more water, so I nodded and he helped me stand up. We began to walk in the water and the resistance was painful on my ankle so Peeta picked me up and carried me out until he was about waist deep.

"You ready?" he asked.

"As ready as I'll ever be like this," I sighed.

I clumsily turned so that I was on my back. Peeta held out his hands until he could tell I was stable enough and then scooted away a few feet so that he was treading water. Luckily his motions weren't too strong and I only rocked a little.

"So about that house in the meadows," Peeta began. "When you say we should build a house there, you mean a house for us, right?"

I had to think of how to answer. "Yes… But… Not right away…" I didn't want to crush his hopes.

"Fair enough," he said nonchalantly.

I was surprised by how unchanged his tone seemed. "You're okay with that?" I asked, turning my head slightly towards him.

"Sure, why not? You said you didn't want to rush into anything, so we won't. You get to steer the ship now. I won't push you," he said unfazed.

I was a bit thrown off and turned to concentrate on staying stable and afloat without doing much to my ankle. I get to steer the ship? What was that supposed to mean? Was I in charge of advancing the relationship? I wasn't sure of how well I felt about that. While I was lost in thought of what steering the ship meant, I didn't notice Peeta near me. I jerked at the sight of him and got into a standing position before I became aware and landed on my foot with the healing ankle. I screamed a foul word following my landing and Peeta quickly picked me up.

"Are you okay? Did you hurt your foot again? What happened?" he shot out, question following question.

I bit my lip and tried to get the words out. "I landed on my ankle. I'm fine, it just hurt like hell."

He picked me up and carried me out of the water, sitting me at the edge where I had been before. He felt my ankle and after realizing I was indeed okay, he picked me up again and carried me to the rock where our things were spread out.

"I knew I shouldn't have egged you into going in the water," he said under his breath.

"Peeta, it was going to happen sooner or later. I'm fine. I promise," I reassured him.

We sat there for a moment before I reached for our bag and pulled out our lunch.

"Lunch?" I said cheerfully, trying to change the subject.

"Sure," he sullenly replied.

I realized that now would be a good time to try and cheer him up like he usually did for me when I was in a down mood and made my best attempt.

"So, about the tent. When are we going to go camping?" I asked.

"Whenever you want. Whenever you feel up to it." He suggested calmly.

"How about next weekend? My ankle should feel better by then if I don't freak out like I just did," I said with a wink and smile in his direction.

He let out a small laugh and smiled in my direction. "I am sorry," he said.

"I know. And it's not your fault either. Don't worry," I said, brushing off his apology.

"You just looked very concentrated while you were floating there on the water. What were you thinking about?" He asked curiously.

"Nothing, I was just focusing on not losing my position," I said, obviously lying.

He gave me a very skeptical look.

"Fine, I wasn't. I just didn't understand what you meant when you said I get to steer the ship now?" I said, in a conceding tone.

"Katniss, I understand if you don't want to rush into things, but I don't want to be a source of frustration because you think I'm going too fast. So I'm handing you the reins. You can make the calls for when you're ready to go to the next level."

His voice had a sense of tight frustration in it and I couldn't help but clench my jaw a little. Even though I know he didn't mean it like that, it almost felt like he was going to sit back and let me screw up the relationship.

"And what is the next level I should be working towards?" I said defensively.

He looked at me with a bit of disbelief, "Look, I don't mean to upset you. I don't. I just don't want to push you faster than you're ready to go. If it was left up to me, we'd be getting married soon. But I'm not going to push you into a marriage you don't want. It would only make you miserable," he said as his voice grew softer. "I grew up in a home with a miserable marriage. I don't want to repeat that."

I suddenly felt guilty for reminding him of those memories. I wouldn't be miserable married to Peeta. I wasn't like his mother. Was I? I couldn't help but have the idea planted in my mind and I suddenly disliked everything around me. Was I a mean woman like she was? Would I regret Peeta and hate him? I was brought back to reality when Peeta rested a hand on my shoulder and saw him staring at me. As I looked into his eyes there was a range of emotions.

"I don't want to be like her," I said.

A painful expression came across his face. "Katniss, you aren't like her. She wasn't as miserable as some thought, but you are still a much different woman than my mother was. She was defeated early on and instead of fighting it she lashed out at those around her."

"But I do that!" I cried, trying not to let tears come to my eyes.

"No, you're not," he said as he scooted closer to me and put an arm around my shoulder.

I didn't believe him entirely, but since I only interacted with her a handful of times in my life versus his daily contact, I took his word at it.

"Peeta," I began a few silent moments later, "I don't want you to be miserable. I know I won't be miserable if I'm married to you. I don't want you to think I would be. I just need time. I'm still adjusting to my new life," I trailed off.

"So am I Katniss!" Peeta pleaded. "We can do it together! I honestly don't see why marriage would freak you out so much. We're practically married as it is. Shoot, to most of Panem they think we already are. What would change except for the obvious?"

I honestly couldn't answer his question. What would change other than a legal document saying we were married and the physical aspect of our relationship? I sat there under the gaze of Peeta's pleading eyes and my mind began to race. I didn't want to get married for same reasons I didn't want to have children. Something Plutarch had said stuck in my mind. That added with the recent assassination attempt on the president illustrated how unstable the country was. I didn't want to risk a permanent attachment if it was going to be ripped away from me. That plus I didn't want to fail at it. I didn't want to be the prime target for anyone trying to overthrow the current government because they would definitely go after Peeta and any potential children we would have. And even if that didn't happen, I didn't want to fail him and a wife and any child who would have to call me mom.

"I just don't want to fail and I don't want to lose," I finally said.

"Why would either happen?" Peeta pried.

The words took some prying and patience on Peeta's part, but I finally explained my fears to the best of my ability. Upon finishing I felt drained and laid down on the rock, covering my eyes to shield me from the sun and also Peeta's look.

"Katniss," he began as he laid down next to me, "do you trust me?"

"Well yes, of course I do."

"Then let me prove to you that you won't fail."


	31. Chapter 31

**Goodness, this chapter felt like a blast from the past since I'm pretty sure my mom and I had a similar conversation a few years ago. I hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think!**

I was thrown off my guard and quite honestly didn't have a good comeback so I sat there silently thinking over what Peeta had just said.

"You don't have to make a decision right now," he said, as though he could hear my stomach jump into my throat a few moments earlier.

"O-okay." I said as he stood up.

Peeta held his hand out to me and helped me stand. We brushed off our swimsuits and grabbed the empty containers we had packed out lunch into. He helped me down the rock and we took turns behind the tree changing back into our regular clothes. When I came from behind the tree, he reached out for my hand and helped me hobble back home.

That evening I took a long bath while Peeta made dinner. My ankle was tired from the day and I wanted to think, undisturbed, about my realization and Peeta's attestation from earlier. As I lay there in the tub a train of thoughts tore through my mind quickly and in rapid succession. Why couldn't I just accept the fact that Peeta and I were going to be married and go forward with it? Would I be miserable if I rushed into it? Why would I even consider children? Would I be a horrible mother? I was terribly awkward around kids except for Sadie and she didn't count. Why couldn't I just move forward with life?

Many of the people my age had moved on. If they weren't married they were thinking about it. And if they weren't, like Gale, they had thrown themselves so strongly into the causes they worked around that they didn't have time for marriage. I wasn't married and I had no strong cause to devote my time to. Was I being selfish by not wanting to get married yet? Peeta was involved and he wanted to get married. I honestly couldn't ask for a better husband. But I didn't feel ready yet. A pit slowly grew in my stomach as I unsuccessfully tried to find the answer for why I didn't want to get married. The only thing I could think of was foolish. I wanted freedom.

It wasn't foolish that I wanted freedom. I think that is essential to a successful marriage. And I highly doubted that Peeta wanted to keep me chained up or dependent upon him. I just didn't want to feel tied down, in addition to my fear of being a bad wife and mother and Snow's supporters taking away my family. But I felt selfish at the idea of not being tied down. Peeta could have gone anywhere else in Panem, but instead he came back to 12 where I was. Whether out of love or simply because he couldn't pick another place, he came here even though he wasn't exiled like I was. He stayed with me when I had horrible nightmares and wanted to die.

I wrestled with my thoughts as the warm water around me began to grow cold. I turned the hot water on and drained the tub as I stood for a shower. I heard a knock on the door.

"I doubt you're _that_ dirty to need a bath AND a shower, Katniss," Peeta chuckled through the door. "Besides, dinner is ready whenever you are."

"I'll be out in a few minutes. I didn't rinse the soap off," I called back.

No, if Peeta and I were to marry, I would be lucky. But I couldn't hide my desire for freedom from him. But what if Snow's supporters came back into power? The questions began to race through my head and finally in an attempt to stop them I rinsed off and got out of the shower as I tried to quickly dry off and get dressed.

I met Peeta downstairs and was greeted by a large stack of pancakes, eggs, and juice.

"Breakfast for dinner," Peeta explained without my asking.

I enjoyed breakfast, especially when Peeta made it. I pushed the thoughts from earlier out of my head and sat down, hungrily eying the plates of food. We ate quickly and eventually Peeta and I made our way to the couch where he propped my feet up on his lap.

We sat there, fat and happy, and enjoying the quiet. One of my questions from earlier slowly crept back in and before I could stop myself I couldn't help but ask Peeta for the answer.

"Why did you come back to 12? I mean, after everything, why did you come back?" I asked, hoping none of my other questions would escape.

He turned to me and shrugged, "Because."

"But you could've gone anywhere else. Any other district could use your baking skills," I suggested.

"Well, because it's my home. I mean, I guess I hoped, somewhere in the back of my mind, that my family was here. But even when they weren't, Haymitch was here. You were here. The two of you became my family during everything that had happened with the Games and the Capitol. Besides, it's not like I completely forgot how I felt about you. I thought I would try to see what happened," he said as he began to blush a little.

I broke eye contact with him and looked down, smiling to myself. That night, due to exhaustion and the late hour at which we went to bed, we fell asleep quickly. I awoke the next morning with a note from Peeta on the nightstand.

_I'll be back around noon. Breakfast is downstairs. –Peeta_

As I finished the note I slowly sat up and woke the rest of my body up. My ankle was incredibly tired so I decided to stay in bed until my stomach began to grumble. As I lay there I couldn't stop the thoughts from my bath yesterday to creep back in. I was unsettled by the feeling and headed downstairs. Although I couldn't think of a good answer, I thought of a few people who might be able to help me out. I sat on the stool by the kitchen and grabbed the phone.

"Hello, this is Mrs. Everdeen."

"Hi Mom, it's Katniss."

"Katniss! How are you? I heard you broke your ankle! How are you healing? Do you need any medicine? Any help? Are Peeta and Sae taking care of you?"

"Yeah, Mom, I'm fine. The cast's off and Peeta is taking very good care of me."

We chatted for a little bit about her job and how Vick had been doing with the business since I wasn't there to help. We eventually grew quiet and my mom was about to hang up before I stopped her.

"Mom, I called for a reason." I piped up. It took a lot out of me.

"Oh? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's _wrong_," I began, "I just… I had a question."

"About what?"

"Marriage."

"Oh?" she asked. You could hear her breath leave her body. "What about marriage?"

It was obvious forming the question was almost as difficult for her as the previous question had been for me.

"Mom, did you lose your independence when you got married?"

"No, not at all. If anything, I felt freer because of it," she said firmly, regaining her voice.

"But you never felt like you were tied down?"

"No. I mean, maybe a little when you and your sister came into the picture. But your father was always so helpful. And he encouraged me to keep doing the things I loved. Besides, having you both only made me happier," she said. "Why do you ask?"

"Well," I began hesitantly, "Peeta…" I trailed off, not knowing where to start.

"Are you two engaged?" my mother almost squeeled into the phone.

"No, no, no. Not yet at least. He wants to be but…"

"Katniss, you shouldn't rush into it. I was lucky. Your father was the best man I knew. I loved him and couldn't imagine a life without him, despite the difficulties we had. But don't rush into it just because he wants to."

"He's not pushing me into it. I just am worried about it. I don't want to lose my freedom. And what if I'm a terrible wife? And what if.."

She cut me off before I could continue, "Katniss, no one is every ready. Even if they think they are, they aren't. Marriage is like a trial by fire, except it's not a trial; at least, hopefully not. People have ideas, but it never really is how you imagine it to be."

The words gave me a little peace of mind but I couldn't help but bring up my last concern.

"Mom, what if something happens? What if the rebellion isn't over and they do something to Peeta to get to me? What if they take him from me again?"

She became quiet. "Katniss, our situations were different. My husband worked in a mine every day of his adult life until the day he didn't come home. In the back of my mind I always worried that something would happen, but always blew it off. But if I knew he would be gone after only 17 years together, I still wouldn't have missed out on the life I had with him. Every single day I'm grateful that I had him with me. Does it hurt? Incredibly so. But I don't regret it."

I thanked her softly and she ended the call; she had a patient waiting for her.

"But I love you and trust you with whatever you choose," she said.

The words warmed me and I hung up. I sat there thinking about what she said and while I was afraid, I felt a sense of quiet confidence overcome me. I looked around and noticed the muffins not far away from me and reached over to grab one. I eventually went back upstairs to change and came downstairs to relax on the couch.

Not more than an hour later Peeta came through the door. He smiled and returned his smile. He knelt down in front of me and we began my exercises. They were not enjoyable, but I kept reminding myself that the better of a patient I was, the quicker I could feel better. Eventually the torture session was over and we relaxed on the couch.

"How was your morning?" he asked as he put his arm around my shoulder.

"Good, I spoke with my mom." I mentioned.

"Oh? How's she doing?" he asked, curiously.

"She's doing well. Busy with work. You know, same as usual."

He smiled and stood, holding a hand out for me to grab while he helped me stand up. We grabbed my bag and began heading out of the door. As we walked towards the bakery hand in hand, I looked up to notice a few people looking at us. I stared ahead, trying not to make eye contact with them. We made it to the bakery and the shop was busy. I began to let Peeta head back to work, but because there were no open tables, he dragged a stool to the back, in the hallway between the bakery and the cash register, so I could look into either area easily.

I sat on my perch and watched as Peeta and his employees buzzed around the bakery for a good hour. When it finally began to calm down Peeta brought out large glasses of water for everyone and they stood around me as they caught their breath. The rest of the day was busy, but not as much as earlier so I sat and observed quietly the rest of the day. For the first time in a few days my head felt clear. Not numb, not giddy, but calm and clear.

We headed home and I helped Peeta prepare dinner. Peeta began joking about something from that morning at the bakery and I laughed. When I didn't say much after a few more stories he turned to me and looked me in the eyes.

"Are you okay Katniss?" he asked with some concern in his eyes.

I nodded and smiled.

"What are you thinking about then?" he continued.

I laughed to myself and said under my breath "Full steam ahead!"


	32. Chapter 32

**Let me know what you all think. Thanks again for my regular reviewers! I love your comments!**

"What?" he said, giving me a confused look.

I simply laughed to myself and repeated my phrase, "Full steam ahead."

He simply looked at my quizzically until it registered in his mind.

"Oh!" he said, dropping the knife he had been using to chop some vegetables. "Oh! Wait, are you sure? Like, now?"

The look on his face was too much for me to not laugh. He was confused, excited, and it was obvious he was trying not to show too much emotion; although he failed miserably. I simply laughed and shrugged my shoulders.

"Well, not right now. I'm hungry. And probably not tomorrow. But yes, in the future, yes. I'm sure. I'm as ready as I'll ever be, so why wait any longer, right?" I said nonchalantly, albeit a bit surprised that the words were coming out of my mouth.

Peeta dropped what he was doing and picked me up at my waist, spinning me around the room until we both became dizzy. Although I knew I meant what I said, a pit began to rise in my stomach. But I ignored it and simply tried to catch my balance when we both stopped and stood, laughing in the kitchen. He excitedly kissed me all over my face and neck, and stopped after a few minutes, pulling me closely and resting his cheek on the top of my head.

"Oh Katniss, you have no idea how happy you make me," he began. "I promise I'll make you as happy as you make me."

We stayed in that position for several more minutes until I finally pulled away, my stomach grumbling loudly enough for us both to hear.

"Well, if you want to make me happy, let's finish making dinner so I don't starve," I threw out, teasingly.

We ate in a quiet excitement and I washed the dishes while Peeta went upstairs to take a shower. As I scrubbed the pan we had used earlier I couldn't help but feel the pit rising again in my stomach. Why was I feeling ill? I knew Peeta was more than I ever deserved. Plus, it's true what my mom said; I couldn't imagine a life without him. Why was I feeling so anxious and nervous? I was tempted to call her again that night but didn't. Instead I cleaned up downstairs and slowly began trudging my way upstairs.

When I opened the door I noticed Peeta wasn't in there. I knocked on the bathroom door but heard no answer. I opened the door, nervous of what I would find, but the bathroom was empty as well. Had I not heard him come downstairs? Where was he? I went out on the landing of the stairs and called out for him.

"Peeta?" I called out.

"I'm in the study," I heard him call back from downstairs.

I guess I hadn't heard him come down the stairs. This was odd, given his gait, but I simply brushed it off and headed downstairs again to the study. I didn't venture back there often; once every week and a half at best. I guess I avoided it because while I had burned his rose, I couldn't help but think of Snow when I walked into the room. I opened the door and found Peeta kneeling in a corner. Immediately I froze, afraid he was having an attack, but when he heard me step into the room he turned around and greeted me with a smile.

"Sorry, I just need to grab something down here," he said as he turned back towards the corner.

I walked closer and noticed he was putting a few books back on the shelf while he had something else clutched in his hand. He pushed himself up and stood facing me with a big smile.

"What's up?" I asked, a little concerned that I didn't know what he was doing and still hung up on the fact that I hadn't heard him come downstairs.

"Don't worry, I just needed to get something," he said, brushing off the concern in my voice.

"What?" I asked, more curious.

"You'll see," he said with a smile.

I didn't enjoy his teasing. It irritated me. Sensing my irritation he suppressed the smile on his face and pulled me in for a hug.

"Sorry," he laughed, "I don't mean to be a tease," he said as he pulled away to look into my face.

I gave him a scowl and pulled further away. In the back of my head I had a nagging voice telling me what he went to find, but I didn't want to think about it. I was still processing the fact that I told him I wanted to get married.

He eventually put it in his pocket and we walked back upstairs. I climbed up the stairs and made my way to the bath. As I soaked I couldn't help but think about everything. Saying I was ready to get married (I wasn't, I just knew I would accept Peeta and I didn't want to make him wait that much longer), finding Peeta getting my ring, and him not even telling me about it. When I finally made my way out to the bedroom the lights were off and I could tell Peeta was in bed. As I climbed in, he scooted closer and finally pulled me so that my back was resting against his chest. He kissed my shoulder and whispered good night to me.

The next morning I woke up to find Peeta had left a note like usual. He said he wouldn't be able to make it back, but that if I was able to, I should walk over to the bakery whenever I felt up to it. My ankle had been feeling a little better so I decided that after eating breakfast I would give it a try. An hour or so later I changed to head to the bakery. I dug around in my closet for my usual black pants and boots, but upon pulling out the two pairs I had I realized I needed to wash my pants. A bit disheartened, I put on a skirt and shoes Zenobia convinced me to buy and headed to the bakery.

I felt a bit foolish, walking to town in a skirt. I usually avoided wearing them in public; choosing my pants instead. But the heat and my dirty clothes left me no other option. As I walked I noticed a few people looking at me but before I could start scowling, several greeted me with faint smiles and nods. My cheeks burned at my previous idea and I returned their smiles and nods. I eventually made it to the bakery where I was greeted with a crowd similar to the day before. To my surprise Haymitch was both awake and sober. And he greeted me with a whistle.

"Looking good, Sweetheart. Got important plans for tonight?" he chuckled as I shot him my filthiest scowl.

"Shut up, Haymitch," I said as I pushed past him and caught Peeta's eye; he winked and I smiled before finding a stool to sit on.

Haymitch came to sit next to me.

"How's the ankle?" he asked as he tapped my foot.

I punched him in the arm and said, "fine."

Peeta came over a few moments later once he had caught a break and brought Haymitch and I some cheesy buns.

"I wasn't expecting you until later," Peeta said.

"Oh, I just thought you wanted me to come over when-" I began to explain before he cut me off.

"No worries," he smiled.

He gave Haymitch a certain look as he glanced at the man and he stood up from the stool.

"Well, thanks for the bun. It was pretty good. And remember, don't worry," he said as he laughed.

Peeta gave him a dirty look and the old man left the bakery.

"What was that all about?" I asked.

"Nothing. I was asking Haymitch about some stuff. Nothing to worry about," he said as he patted my hand. "How was your morning? You look nice!" he said, finally noticing my clothes.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "The morning was fine. Nothing interesting," I said quickly.

Peeta looked at me and I gave him a sassy smile. Before he could get the next few words out of his mouth a new wave of people came in and he left to go help them. The day was busy as waves of people came in every hour. I didn't get to speak with Peeta much, but he kept me full with cheese buns, Danishes, cookies, and things to drink. Eventually it was time to go upstairs for his class and I made my way up the stairs behind him. I sat in a chair towards the back of the room and watched as the kids filed in with their canvases and art kits.

Peeta set up station in the front and greeted all of the kids with a warm smile and strong handshake. When everyone had set up Peeta began with a quick explanation of their lesson. I didn't understand everything he was saying so I kicked my foot up on an empty stool ahead of me and closed my eyes. I began to drift in and out of sleep, every once in a while hearing him explain certain things.

The last thing I remember hearing before finally falling asleep was Peeta stating, "now you go ahead and paint your happiest memory."

I wanted to open my eyes, but sleep took over and kept them shut. As I slept I dreamt of a warm, comfortable place. I hadn't been there before. It was a room with a couch, chair, and small table. As I woke up on the couch I looked over to see Peeta reading in the chair near me. He looked older, but was happy as usual and greeted me with a warm smile. I felt happy and content. As I continued to wake up I could smell something delicious and Peeta began to tell me about the fruity quick bread he was baking. As the dream continued I kept thinking "I don't want to wake up from this," because in the back of my head I knew this was a dream, to my dismay. I eventually did wake up; Peeta shook my shoulders and I noticed the classroom was empty. I looked up at him and he greeted me back to reality with a soft smile.

"You ready to go home?" he asked softly.

"Yeah," I said as I looked back at him. As the room came into focus I noticed the painting behind him. I was thrown off a bit but couldn't help but smile when I saw what he had painted.

"I told them to draw their happiest memory, so I thought I would draw one too," he smiled as he explained as he noticed what I was staring at.

The painting was of a young girl singing while standing on a stool in a classroom, surrounded by her classmates while the teacher looked on. It made my heart happy and I smiled as Peeta helped me stand and we walked home.

When we entered the house there was a meal waiting on the stove for us; a note was left on the counter near it.

_I knew you'd be getting home late so I brought over some food – Sae_

Peeta opened the pot and the delicious smell of lamb stew greeted us. We smiled at each other and set the table quickly, hungry and excited for the mouthwatering meal awaiting us. As I sat down Peeta went to grab the cups and opened the refrigerator to get a pitcher. I didn't pay much attention to it since we usually kept a pitcher of water there, but I was surprised when he placed it before me and it was filled with orange juice. I looked up at him and gave him a knowing look and he blushed as he shrugged, pretending like he didn't know what was up. He sat down and divvied the stew up between the two of us while I poured the juice. The meal was heavenly.

As we sat back with full bellies Peeta and I smiled at each other, reveling in the repast we had just devoured. Peeta stood up and pulled me up from my chair, continuing to pull me as he headed towards the couch. We plopped down, and sat next to each other, stretching our legs out in front of us and talking about how wonderful of a cook Sae was. After a few minutes of this things grew quiet and I happily sat there, Peeta grabbed my hand and turned towards me.

"Katniss, you don't have to say anything," he said as he reached in his pocket. "You don't have to act surprised either, because I know you aren't a big fan of surprises either. But I just need to give you something," he continued as he took out the little box.

Inside was the pearl. It had been fastened to a simple ring. I looked up at Peeta who was looking lovingly, but intently, into my eyes and smiled

"You knew I couldn't give the pearl to anyone else," he said softly as he took it from the box and placed it on my finger after which he kissed me softly on my lips.


End file.
